After Reading VaeVictus's Suicide Thread...

[Mik3y]

After reading it here, even though its just a prank, it reminded me of myself just about 3 weeks ago. I was in the same situation and was going to post on atot about it also, but i didnt have the convenience to do so. After leaving class on monday morning on January 10th, 2005, i drove away in front of the barnes & nobles parking lot and nearly shot myself in the head. Before i was going to shoot myself, i made a phone call to some of my best friends (three-way calling), and was going to tell them a speech. i couldnt handle having to tell them about it, so i just said, "It's really hard for me to say this...but i'm going to miss you guys very much." right after i hung up, i loaded the gun and cocked it, but sadly the bullet somehow got smashed inside the barrel, so basically, it got jammed. after tinkering with it for 5 min, i finally got it working fine. it was really too hard for me to pull the trigger while feeling the cold steel touch the side of my head. after 6 hours of crying and trying to find the strength in myself to pull the trigger, i gave up. i just couldnt do it. my parents found the suicide notes in my laptop and filed a police report. about 15 of my friends drove around for hours trying to find where i might be. i didnt know where to go, so i decided to go to my best friends house. there, the police were questioning him. they recognized me from the photos, so they cuffed me and threw me into the squad car. after a ton of junk, i was sent to the mental healthcare facility for 4 days underging rehab and mental treatment.

I know many of you guys think that suicide is the stupidest thing ever and that i'm a dipshit for attempting it. well, most of you guys havent lived my life, or VaeVictus's life, so you guys could not possibly understand how and why we felt like doing this. I am very aware of the effects suicide will have and i am perfectly aware of all the psychological and emotional things related to it. my therapists hasnt told me one thing that i dont already know. all they are useful for are to prescribe me my medications for depression. believe it or not, i am a perfectly logical and reasonable guy. it was my depression that led me to deciding, "to do, or not to do". for 4 yrs straight, i've thought about killing myself. even now, as much as i want to be gone, i dont have the will to commit such an act.

this is just a short story to my near suicide. i'm sure i'm gonna get flamed and bashed for my thoughts and attempt of suicide, but nothing you guys say will enlighten me. as i said before, i am perfectly aware of everything. hell, most of my friends come to me to be their unofficial therapist when they are depressed and are feeling like crap. during my 4 yrs of depression, i had a lot of time to think about everything. i know so much about all the psychological crap that even my doctors and the people at rehab couldnt believe i was in such a situation. that was the reason why i was able to leave so soon instead of weeks. my doctors also say taht i really need to stop helping others and start helping myself. most people would describe me as "the nicest guy around, most understanding person, really caring, honest, sympathetic, sensitive, and funny". when in rehab, i really made a lot of people feel better about themselves because i know what it feels like to be in their position. then i think to myself that i'm not really any different then them because i was currently in rehab undergoing "mental counseling". all that counseling didnt do anything to me. telling me what i was already perfectly aware of is just an echo. what really helped me was experiencing a near death situation. it really does change the negative outlook you have on your life to something more positive. that and the support of all my friends is whats keeping me going.

the reason why i decided to post this now instead of weeks ago is because of VaeVictus's thread. after reading his suicide post, even though its bogus, i guess it just made me feel like i should explain things out to you guys. my therapists say i'm lucky to be alive, because most people who attempt suicide actually succeed.

*if you guys want cliff notes, go to a bookstore and buy it.*

 

[notfred]

I can't tell from your post, but are you feeling better about your life now, or are you still having the same feelings?

 

[Megatomic]

I am so glad to hear that you failed in your attempt. My oldest son made a weak attempt last year (2 days before his birthday) and failed also. Turns out his is massively bipolar and has ODD.

I hope you find peace Mik3y.

 

[Mik3y]

well, before, i was plainly pessimistic, low self-asteem, and etc. now, i'm working on being more optimistic, but i still feel depressed. if you know depression, you would know that it is just a simple term that defines negative emotional and psychological feelings. i guess being depressed for so long just happens to stick with you your entire life. that's why i'm glad i'm taking the medication. whats funny is that after i left rehab, they got me addicted to sleeping pills (ambien), but i got over that after a few days. i cant say that i still dont think about suicide now and then, but i'll live. if anything, taht 1 week period was extremely depressing and traumatizing to me.

 

[newbiepcuser]

Life does get better. I've hit rock bottom before and at times even thought life wasn't worth living. You just have to live one day at time. Not saying it will be easy, but you just have move forward. Its easier said then done, but just take one day at a time and don't overwhelm yourself. Talk it out with your close friends etc.

 

[imported_Mike]

Thank goodness for that jam, life is worth living my friend.

 

[Kadarin]

Interesting story, and thanks for sharing.

 

[imported_Reck]

Hm? Most people who attempt suicide do not succeed and end up injuring themselves.

 

[AStar617]

Best to you... keep your chin up :beer:

 

[yukichigai]

Ambien is easy to get addicted to. The worst part is when it no longer makes you sleep, yet you still want it. (In case you're wondering, I suffer from occasional bouts of insomnia. This is only a problem during finals week)

Now I thought I'd contribute my tale of... not woe, but it's related to the suicide theme. VaeVictus' thread got more than just you thinking.

A few years ago I had a chat buddy who was Schizophrenic. Really schizophrenic. No less than 13 distinct, commonly recurring voices, and a host of other "guest stars". Fun fun fun. Well this guy tells me if he ever starts acting weird or wonky I should call up his buddy Kim and get her to come over and make sure he doesn't hurt himself. Sure enough, it happens. Again and again. He acts weird, says weird crap, I call Kim, he gets a thorazine suppository. One night he goes off the edge. Now I call up Kim as a preemptive strike, but she won't answer. Then he says he can't stop the bleeding. Instantly chills run down my spine. I ask where he's bleeding; he replies from his arms where he's been cutting himself. Then he goes offline.

Well s%$#, I say as my heart kicks into overdrive. So I call up information in Georgia to get the police near his residence. I get through, report a possible suicide attempt. They ask for an address, I respond that I only have a name and a city, no address. They call information, find he has a number. Hooray, I say, now he won't die. But the number and address is private/unlisted. Well f%$#, bitch, I say, he's trying to f%$#ing kill himself, I doubt his privacy matters much at this point. But they can only get the address with administrator approval, and he only comes in at 4am. Oh, well, I say, that's only, what, an hour from now your time? He should be fine, having lost maybe 18 f%$#ing pints of blood. But no, apparantly the new computerized system has locked them out quite firmly. My friend is going to die. Hooray, I down a half bottle of whiskey and pass out so I don't have to deal with this nightmare anymore.

Flash forward 8 hours. I wake up, get online. As if on cue, 5 minutes later he comes online. Turns out he cut himself alright, just not on any veins. His arms now look like a scratching post. Wheeeeee, isn't life grand.

And you want to know the best part? It wasn't real. Any of it. Turns out that in addition to schizophrenia, this fellow also had Dissociative Identity Disorder, aka Multiple Personalities. He wasn't even the main personality. Guess who the real person was? That's right, Kim.

I could write a goddamn screenplay out of this. Hell, I just might.

 

[Mik3y]

its sad to say that i still have about 12 voicemail messages in my cell fone that i'm still afraid to listen to. these messages were during the hours i was still debating inside the car in the lot. i dont want to delete them yet, and as much as i want to hear them, i'm terrified of listening to them.

 

[Crusty]

Originally posted by: yukichigai
Ambien is easy to get addicted to. The worst part is when it no longer makes you sleep, yet you still want it. (In case you're wondering, I suffer from occasional bouts of insomnia. This is only a problem during finals week)

Now I thought I'd contribute my tale of... not woe, but it's related to the suicide theme. VaeVictus' thread got more than just you thinking.

A few years ago I had a chat buddy who was Schizophrenic. Really schizophrenic. No less than 13 distinct, commonly recurring voices, and a host of other "guest stars". Fun fun fun. Well this guy tells me if he ever starts acting weird or wonky I should call up his buddy Kim and get her to come over and make sure he doesn't hurt himself. Sure enough, it happens. Again and again. He acts weird, says weird crap, I call Kim, he gets a thorazine suppository. One night he goes off the edge. Now I call up Kim as a preemptive strike, but she won't answer. Then he says he can't stop the bleeding. Instantly chills run down my spine. I ask where he's bleeding; he replies from his arms where he's been cutting himself. Then he goes offline.

Well s%$#, I say as my heart kicks into overdrive. So I call up information in Georgia to get the police near his residence. I get through, report a possible suicide attempt. They ask for an address, I respond that I only have a name and a city, no address. They call information, find he has a number. Hooray, I say, now he won't die. But the number and address is private/unlisted. Well f%$#, bitch, I say, he's trying to f%$#ing kill himself, I doubt his privacy matters much at this point. But they can only get the address with administrator approval, and he only comes in at 4am. Oh, well, I say, that's only, what, an hour from now your time? He should be fine, having lost maybe 18 f%$#ing pints of blood. But no, apparantly the new computerized system has locked them out quite firmly. My friend is going to die. Hooray, I down a half bottle of whiskey and pass out so I don't have to deal with this nightmare anymore.

Flash forward 8 hours. I wake up, get online. As if on cue, 5 minutes later he comes online. Turns out he cut himself alright, just not on any veins. His arms now look like a scratching post. Wheeeeee, isn't life grand.

And you want to know the best part? It wasn't real. Any of it. Turns out that in addition to schizophrenia, this fellow also had Dissociative Identity Disorder, aka Multiple Personalities. He wasn't even the main personality. Guess who the real person was? That's right, Kim.

I could write a goddamn screenplay out of this. Hell, I just might.

:Q:Q:Q:Q

Holy sh!t!!!!!!!

That is insane

 

[imported_Mike]

Originally posted by: yukichigai
Ambien is easy to get addicted to. The worst part is when it no longer makes you sleep, yet you still want it. (In case you're wondering, I suffer from occasional bouts of insomnia. This is only a problem during finals week)

Now I thought I'd contribute my tale of... not woe, but it's related to the suicide theme. VaeVictus' thread got more than just you thinking.

A few years ago I had a chat buddy who was Schizophrenic. Really schizophrenic. No less than 13 distinct, commonly recurring voices, and a host of other "guest stars". Fun fun fun. Well this guy tells me if he ever starts acting weird or wonky I should call up his buddy Kim and get her to come over and make sure he doesn't hurt himself. Sure enough, it happens. Again and again. He acts weird, says weird crap, I call Kim, he gets a thorazine suppository. One night he goes off the edge. Now I call up Kim as a preemptive strike, but she won't answer. Then he says he can't stop the bleeding. Instantly chills run down my spine. I ask where he's bleeding; he replies from his arms where he's been cutting himself. Then he goes offline.

Well s%$#, I say as my heart kicks into overdrive. So I call up information in Georgia to get the police near his residence. I get through, report a possible suicide attempt. They ask for an address, I respond that I only have a name and a city, no address. They call information, find he has a number. Hooray, I say, now he won't die. But the number and address is private/unlisted. Well f%$#, bitch, I say, he's trying to f%$#ing kill himself, I doubt his privacy matters much at this point. But they can only get the address with administrator approval, and he only comes in at 4am. Oh, well, I say, that's only, what, an hour from now your time? He should be fine, having lost maybe 18 f%$#ing pints of blood. But no, apparantly the new computerized system has locked them out quite firmly. My friend is going to die. Hooray, I down a half bottle of whiskey and pass out so I don't have to deal with this nightmare anymore.

Flash forward 8 hours. I wake up, get online. As if on cue, 5 minutes later he comes online. Turns out he cut himself alright, just not on any veins. His arms now look like a scratching post. Wheeeeee, isn't life grand.

And you want to know the best part? It wasn't real. Any of it. Turns out that in addition to schizophrenia, this fellow also had Dissociative Identity Disorder, aka Multiple Personalities. He wasn't even the main personality. Guess who the real person was? That's right, Kim.

I could write a goddamn screenplay out of this. Hell, I just might.

He faked a girls voice when he was "Kim"?

 

[0roo0roo]

Originally posted by: yukichigai
Ambien is easy to get addicted to. The worst part is when it no longer makes you sleep, yet you still want it. (In case you're wondering, I suffer from occasional bouts of insomnia. This is only a problem during finals week)

Now I thought I'd contribute my tale of... not woe, but it's related to the suicide theme. VaeVictus' thread got more than just you thinking.

A few years ago I had a chat buddy who was Schizophrenic. Really schizophrenic. No less than 13 distinct, commonly recurring voices, and a host of other "guest stars". Fun fun fun. Well this guy tells me if he ever starts acting weird or wonky I should call up his buddy Kim and get her to come over and make sure he doesn't hurt himself. Sure enough, it happens. Again and again. He acts weird, says weird crap, I call Kim, he gets a thorazine suppository. One night he goes off the edge. Now I call up Kim as a preemptive strike, but she won't answer. Then he says he can't stop the bleeding. Instantly chills run down my spine. I ask where he's bleeding; he replies from his arms where he's been cutting himself. Then he goes offline.

Well s%$#, I say as my heart kicks into overdrive. So I call up information in Georgia to get the police near his residence. I get through, report a possible suicide attempt. They ask for an address, I respond that I only have a name and a city, no address. They call information, find he has a number. Hooray, I say, now he won't die. But the number and address is private/unlisted. Well f%$#, bitch, I say, he's trying to f%$#ing kill himself, I doubt his privacy matters much at this point. But they can only get the address with administrator approval, and he only comes in at 4am. Oh, well, I say, that's only, what, an hour from now your time? He should be fine, having lost maybe 18 f%$#ing pints of blood. But no, apparantly the new computerized system has locked them out quite firmly. My friend is going to die. Hooray, I down a half bottle of whiskey and pass out so I don't have to deal with this nightmare anymore.

Flash forward 8 hours. I wake up, get online. As if on cue, 5 minutes later he comes online. Turns out he cut himself alright, just not on any veins. His arms now look like a scratching post. Wheeeeee, isn't life grand.

And you want to know the best part? It wasn't real. Any of it. Turns out that in addition to schizophrenia, this fellow also had Dissociative Identity Disorder, aka Multiple Personalities. He wasn't even the main personality. Guess who the real person was? That's right, Kim.

I could write a goddamn screenplay out of this. Hell, I just might.

 

[yukichigai]

Originally posted by: CheapArse
He faked a girls voice when he was "Kim"?

"He" was actually a she. Kim is a girl, a real girl. Had gender identity disorder -- man trapped in a woman's body -- and Trev (the guy) was her idea of a perfect man. Someday I'll tell you the whole story. It's actually kind of amazing; there's a part in there, a revelation that's akin to something out of Memento or Fight Club or Signs, the way it came to me. It's just... yeah.

 

[Slappy00]

Originally posted by: MCrusty

Originally posted by: yukichigai
Ambien is easy to get addicted to. The worst part is when it no longer makes you sleep, yet you still want it. (In case you're wondering, I suffer from occasional bouts of insomnia. This is only a problem during finals week)

Now I thought I'd contribute my tale of... not woe, but it's related to the suicide theme. VaeVictus' thread got more than just you thinking.

A few years ago I had a chat buddy who was Schizophrenic. Really schizophrenic. No less than 13 distinct, commonly recurring voices, and a host of other "guest stars". Fun fun fun. Well this guy tells me if he ever starts acting weird or wonky I should call up his buddy Kim and get her to come over and make sure he doesn't hurt himself. Sure enough, it happens. Again and again. He acts weird, says weird crap, I call Kim, he gets a thorazine suppository. One night he goes off the edge. Now I call up Kim as a preemptive strike, but she won't answer. Then he says he can't stop the bleeding. Instantly chills run down my spine. I ask where he's bleeding; he replies from his arms where he's been cutting himself. Then he goes offline.

Well s%$#, I say as my heart kicks into overdrive. So I call up information in Georgia to get the police near his residence. I get through, report a possible suicide attempt. They ask for an address, I respond that I only have a name and a city, no address. They call information, find he has a number. Hooray, I say, now he won't die. But the number and address is private/unlisted. Well f%$#, bitch, I say, he's trying to f%$#ing kill himself, I doubt his privacy matters much at this point. But they can only get the address with administrator approval, and he only comes in at 4am. Oh, well, I say, that's only, what, an hour from now your time? He should be fine, having lost maybe 18 f%$#ing pints of blood. But no, apparantly the new computerized system has locked them out quite firmly. My friend is going to die. Hooray, I down a half bottle of whiskey and pass out so I don't have to deal with this nightmare anymore.

Flash forward 8 hours. I wake up, get online. As if on cue, 5 minutes later he comes online. Turns out he cut himself alright, just not on any veins. His arms now look like a scratching post. Wheeeeee, isn't life grand.

And you want to know the best part? It wasn't real. Any of it. Turns out that in addition to schizophrenia, this fellow also had Dissociative Identity Disorder, aka Multiple Personalities. He wasn't even the main personality. Guess who the real person was? That's right, Kim.

I could write a goddamn screenplay out of this. Hell, I just might.

:Q:Q:Q:Q

Holy sh!t!!!!!!!

That is insane

 

[Mik3y]

Originally posted by: yukichigai
Ambien is easy to get addicted to. The worst part is when it no longer makes you sleep, yet you still want it. (In case you're wondering, I suffer from occasional bouts of insomnia. This is only a problem during finals week)

Now I thought I'd contribute my tale of... not woe, but it's related to the suicide theme. VaeVictus' thread got more than just you thinking.

A few years ago I had a chat buddy who was Schizophrenic. Really schizophrenic. No less than 13 distinct, commonly recurring voices, and a host of other "guest stars". Fun fun fun. Well this guy tells me if he ever starts acting weird or wonky I should call up his buddy Kim and get her to come over and make sure he doesn't hurt himself. Sure enough, it happens. Again and again. He acts weird, says weird crap, I call Kim, he gets a thorazine suppository. One night he goes off the edge. Now I call up Kim as a preemptive strike, but she won't answer. Then he says he can't stop the bleeding. Instantly chills run down my spine. I ask where he's bleeding; he replies from his arms where he's been cutting himself. Then he goes offline.

Well s%$#, I say as my heart kicks into overdrive. So I call up information in Georgia to get the police near his residence. I get through, report a possible suicide attempt. They ask for an address, I respond that I only have a name and a city, no address. They call information, find he has a number. Hooray, I say, now he won't die. But the number and address is private/unlisted. Well f%$#, bitch, I say, he's trying to f%$#ing kill himself, I doubt his privacy matters much at this point. But they can only get the address with administrator approval, and he only comes in at 4am. Oh, well, I say, that's only, what, an hour from now your time? He should be fine, having lost maybe 18 f%$#ing pints of blood. But no, apparantly the new computerized system has locked them out quite firmly. My friend is going to die. Hooray, I down a half bottle of whiskey and pass out so I don't have to deal with this nightmare anymore.

Flash forward 8 hours. I wake up, get online. As if on cue, 5 minutes later he comes online. Turns out he cut himself alright, just not on any veins. His arms now look like a scratching post. Wheeeeee, isn't life grand.

And you want to know the best part? It wasn't real. Any of it. Turns out that in addition to schizophrenia, this fellow also had Dissociative Identity Disorder, aka Multiple Personalities. He wasn't even the main personality. Guess who the real person was? That's right, Kim.

I could write a goddamn screenplay out of this. Hell, I just might.

now that's just plain freaky.

 

[Mill]

Smashed inside the barrel? WTF do you mean by that? If you didn't have a misfeed or a dud round, it wouldn't just smash the inside of the barrel and chill out. 5 minutes to get it "right." How did you know when it was "right" again, did you test fire it? I'm sorry, but that simply doesn't add up. Perhaps you just wrote it in a confusing manner, but the way you write it you make it sound as if it fired but jammed in the barrel. Not a misfeed or dud round/primer. When you say "barrel" do you mean the extraction point or where it feeds from the mag into the barrel? Color me confused.

 

[yukichigai]

Originally posted by: Mik3y
now that's just plain freaky.

And apparently it cheered you up. Hooray! ^_^

 

[Mik3y]

Originally posted by: Mill
Smashed inside the barrel? WTF do you mean by that? If you didn't have a misfeed or a dud round, it wouldn't just smash the inside of the barrel and chill out. 5 minutes to get it "right." How did you know when it was "right" again, did you test fire it? I'm sorry, but that simply doesn't add up. Perhaps you just wrote it in a confusing manner, but the way you write it you make it sound as if it fired but jammed in the barrel. Not a misfeed or dud round/primer. When you say "barrel" do you mean the extraction point or where it feeds from the mag into the barrel? Color me confused.

i dont know much about guns, but when i put the clip inside the pistol, i pulled the top chamber thing back. what was weird was that the chamber thing didnt close back in. i tried pulling the thing back again to pop the bullet out, but i couldnt, so i tried pushing the back of the chamber in and the bullet got squeezed in and the bullet part rammed all the way back into the bullet casing. since i couldnt get it out, i just drop the clip out and pulled the top chamber part back again and it popped back out. like i said, i'm a complete nub with guns, so ya. i figured i got it working properly when i was able to pull the "hammer" thing back and lock it in place. hell, took me a while to get the safety off.

 

[Mill]

Originally posted by: Mik3y

Originally posted by: Mill
Smashed inside the barrel? WTF do you mean by that? If you didn't have a misfeed or a dud round, it wouldn't just smash the inside of the barrel and chill out. 5 minutes to get it "right." How did you know when it was "right" again, did you test fire it? I'm sorry, but that simply doesn't add up. Perhaps you just wrote it in a confusing manner, but the way you write it you make it sound as if it fired but jammed in the barrel. Not a misfeed or dud round/primer. When you say "barrel" do you mean the extraction point or where it feeds from the mag into the barrel? Color me confused.

i dont know much about guns, but when i put the clip inside the pistol, i pulled the top chamber thing back. what was weird was that the chamber thing didnt close back in. i tried pulling the thing back again to pop the bullet out, but i couldnt, so i tried pushing the back of the chamber in and the bullet got squeezed in and the bullet part rammed all the way back into the bullet casing. since i couldnt get it out, i just drop the clip out and pulled the top chamber part back again and it popped back out. like i said, i'm a complete nub with guns, so ya. i figured i got it working properly when i was able to pull the "hammer" thing back and lock it in place. hell, took me a while to get the safety off.

What kind of gun was it?

 

[otispunkmeyer]

Mik3y how old are you? you mention going to class so i assume your less than 20? less your a post grad

 

[Freejack2]

I have a brother-inlaw who has been fighting depression and has a hard time with it. I even had a hard time with it when I was a teenager, luckily I grew out of it and never needed to go on antidepressants or anything like that. Quite frankly antidepressants scare the crap out of me.

Being a nice guy is ok but don't let people run over you. It's something I had to learn early on, stand up for yourself and don't take crap you don't deserve. When someone asks you to do something that you know is not right, say no. It's hard at first but so long as you stand firm people will realize that they can't take advantage of you anymore and it will get easier to deal with it.

 

[Mik3y]

like i said before, i really suck wth guns, so i dont know what gun it was besides that its a pistol.

as for my age, i'm 18.

as for being a nice guy, i actually dont let people take advantage of me or w/e. i've always stood firm and based most of my actions on ethics and logic.

as for how i feel, so much has happened to me recently that i've become an even stronger individual. its something i've notice some of my friends have been admiring me about. even though what i did and was about to do, i still cant help but apologize to everyone and hell, i still cant apologize to myself. one thing i dont like about myself is my ability to hide my emotions too well to the point where it degenerates my health. that is one of the things i've been working on since rehab.

 

[Skyclad1uhm1]

The reasoning sounds very familiar, being a kind of psychiatrist for friends, being seen as a nice and kind person, but getting more and more depressed the more you help people with their problems. Do you also have the problem that you actually feel horrible of what happened to them, that you are more or less empathic? That you cannot let go of the problems even after it's solved for them?

I've been doing this for ages too now, and am unable to put distance between me and the people I help. I've found out that for me the only way to at least stop thinking about suicide so much is to actually focus on one person in your family who means a lot to you. For me it's my mother. I will not hurt her by taking my life, so as long as she lives I will not harm myself either. If you care too much about one of your friends who is having a lot of problems you might want to get them to seek professional help, as you can put a bit more distance between you that way, and you'll know that they are getting help without you having to deal with it all.

Seek help, but don't do it from the point of 'I have a problem and need help', but more from a point of 'I need to be able to place things at a distance, to not feel everything so strongly, to turn of feelings a while if I'm helping someone'.
Psychology is great for helping people who need someone to understand and show feeling for what they are going through. But you're in the opposite position: You cannot let go of it. Try explaining it to an expert, and if you can find a solution let me know, it might benefit me too