After Reading VaeVictus's Suicide Thread...

[Eli]

Damn man, I don't know what to say.

It is hard for those of us that are "normal" in that regard to empathize with you. That's why you expect to get ridiculed and flamed. You know it's wrong to think like that, but you can't help it. I sure do hope we really figure out why, medically, at some point..

Anyway, I don't know. I can't possibly imagine being so depressed that I would just want to end it all.

When I read, "well, most of you guys havent lived my life, or VaeVictus's life, so you guys could not possibly understand how and why we felt like doing this.", I couldn't help but think how wrong, if not understandable, that viewpoint is.

It makes me wonder, how bad has your life really been? Do you honestly think, or believe that you know, that your life has been "worse" than say, mine? Or anyone elses? I guess worse is realitive.

Just as we don't know you, you don't know us, so I don't think it's fair that you've decided we don't know how you feel.

It's not like I have never been depressed or down in the dumps. But it's all in how you deal with it. The thought of suicide has never even come close to entering my mind. I'm just simply too positive.

Dunno. Hope you get your life figured out though. Good luck.

 

[Eli]

Originally posted by: yukichigai
Ambien is easy to get addicted to. The worst part is when it no longer makes you sleep, yet you still want it. (In case you're wondering, I suffer from occasional bouts of insomnia. This is only a problem during finals week)

Now I thought I'd contribute my tale of... not woe, but it's related to the suicide theme. VaeVictus' thread got more than just you thinking.

A few years ago I had a chat buddy who was Schizophrenic. Really schizophrenic. No less than 13 distinct, commonly recurring voices, and a host of other "guest stars". Fun fun fun. Well this guy tells me if he ever starts acting weird or wonky I should call up his buddy Kim and get her to come over and make sure he doesn't hurt himself. Sure enough, it happens. Again and again. He acts weird, says weird crap, I call Kim, he gets a thorazine suppository. One night he goes off the edge. Now I call up Kim as a preemptive strike, but she won't answer. Then he says he can't stop the bleeding. Instantly chills run down my spine. I ask where he's bleeding; he replies from his arms where he's been cutting himself. Then he goes offline.

Well s%$#, I say as my heart kicks into overdrive. So I call up information in Georgia to get the police near his residence. I get through, report a possible suicide attempt. They ask for an address, I respond that I only have a name and a city, no address. They call information, find he has a number. Hooray, I say, now he won't die. But the number and address is private/unlisted. Well f%$#, bitch, I say, he's trying to f%$#ing kill himself, I doubt his privacy matters much at this point. But they can only get the address with administrator approval, and he only comes in at 4am. Oh, well, I say, that's only, what, an hour from now your time? He should be fine, having lost maybe 18 f%$#ing pints of blood. But no, apparantly the new computerized system has locked them out quite firmly. My friend is going to die. Hooray, I down a half bottle of whiskey and pass out so I don't have to deal with this nightmare anymore.

Flash forward 8 hours. I wake up, get online. As if on cue, 5 minutes later he comes online. Turns out he cut himself alright, just not on any veins. His arms now look like a scratching post. Wheeeeee, isn't life grand.

And you want to know the best part? It wasn't real. Any of it. Turns out that in addition to schizophrenia, this fellow also had Dissociative Identity Disorder, aka Multiple Personalities. He wasn't even the main personality. Guess who the real person was? That's right, Kim.

I could write a goddamn screenplay out of this. Hell, I just might.

:Q

That's a freakin' trip. Write it up. Could make a good movie.

 

[Cristatus]

mik3y: i guess this is one of the times that someone would be happy that something is not working right

anywho, i was just thinking about multiple personalities when i read the other suicide thread, and was wondering if anyone here actaully had it. I have read a few novels about multiple personalities (Stephen King i think), and it's pretty surprising as to how this disorder works, because to anyone at all, it seems like different people, and it's hard to catch it. how many personalities did Kim have? (i think you said thirteen, but i can't remember anymore...) Please do share your stories about Kim as mutliple personalities, although scary, are certainly interesting stories.

 

[aidanjm]

Originally posted by: Mik3y
After reading it here, even though its just a prank, it reminded me of myself just about 3 weeks ago. I was in the same situation and was going to post on atot about it also, but i didnt have the convenience to do so. After leaving class on monday morning on January 10th, 2005, i drove away in front of the barnes & nobles parking lot and nearly shot myself in the head. Before i was going to shoot myself, i made a phone call to some of my best friends (three-way calling), and was going to tell them a speech. i couldnt handle having to tell them about it, so i just said, "It's really hard for me to say this...but i'm going to miss you guys very much." right after i hung up, i loaded the gun and cocked it, but sadly the bullet somehow got smashed inside the barrel, so basically, it got jammed. after tinkering with it for 5 min, i finally got it working fine. it was really too hard for me to pull the trigger while feeling the cold steel touch the side of my head. after 6 hours of crying and trying to find the strength in myself to pull the trigger, i gave up. i just couldnt do it. my parents found the suicide notes in my laptop and filed a police report. about 15 of my friends drove around for hours trying to find where i might be. i didnt know where to go, so i decided to go to my best friends house. there, the police were questioning him. they recognized me from the photos, so they cuffed me and threw me into the squad car. after a ton of junk, i was sent to the mental healthcare facility for 4 days underging rehab and mental treatment.

I know many of you guys think that suicide is the stupidest thing ever and that i'm a dipshit for attempting it. well, most of you guys havent lived my life, or VaeVictus's life, so you guys could not possibly understand how and why we felt like doing this. I am very aware of the effects suicide will have and i am perfectly aware of all the psychological and emotional things related to it. my therapists hasnt told me one thing that i dont already know. all they are useful for are to prescribe me my medications for depression. believe it or not, i am a perfectly logical and reasonable guy. it was my depression that led me to deciding, "to do, or not to do". for 4 yrs straight, i've thought about killing myself. even now, as much as i want to be gone, i dont have the will to commit such an act.

this is just a short story to my near suicide. i'm sure i'm gonna get flamed and bashed for my thoughts and attempt of suicide, but nothing you guys say will enlighten me. as i said before, i am perfectly aware of everything. hell, most of my friends come to me to be their unofficial therapist when they are depressed and are feeling like crap. during my 4 yrs of depression, i had a lot of time to think about everything. i know so much about all the psychological crap that even my doctors and the people at rehab couldnt believe i was in such a situation. that was the reason why i was able to leave so soon instead of weeks. my doctors also say taht i really need to stop helping others and start helping myself. most people would describe me as "the nicest guy around, most understanding person, really caring, honest, sympathetic, sensitive, and funny". when in rehab, i really made a lot of people feel better about themselves because i know what it feels like to be in their position. then i think to myself that i'm not really any different then them because i was currently in rehab undergoing "mental counseling". all that counseling didnt do anything to me. telling me what i was already perfectly aware of is just an echo. what really helped me was experiencing a near death situation. it really does change the negative outlook you have on your life to something more positive. that and the support of all my friends is whats keeping me going.

the reason why i decided to post this now instead of weeks ago is because of VaeVictus's thread. after reading his suicide post, even though its bogus, i guess it just made me feel like i should explain things out to you guys. my therapists say i'm lucky to be alive, because most people who attempt suicide actually succeed.

*if you guys want cliff notes, go to a bookstore and buy it.*

glad you're living to see another day, Mik3y.

 

[otispunkmeyer]

Originally posted by: Mik3y
like i said before, i really suck wth guns, so i dont know what gun it was besides that its a pistol.

as for my age, i'm 18.

as for being a nice guy, i actually dont let people take advantage of me or w/e. i've always stood firm and based most of my actions on ethics and logic.

as for how i feel, so much has happened to me recently that i've become an even stronger individual. its something i've notice some of my friends have been admiring me about. even though what i did and was about to do, i still cant help but apologize to everyone and hell, i still cant apologize to myself. one thing i dont like about myself is my ability to hide my emotions too well to the point where it degenerates my health. that is one of the things i've been working on since rehab.

dang im 18 too, thats way too young to be worried about lots of stuff! these are meant to be your best years man, get out there and party hard....of course dont forget to work hard too, get a degree and just kick back knowing that your hella qualified

 

[BigJ]

I know what you're going through man. Just recently I let my mother know about how I've been dealing with depression for the past 3 years (I'm 18). I still haven't told my father face-to-face, and I don't know if I'll ever muster up the courage. I know how bad it can be that you actually attempt to kill yourself, but I personally could never attempt suicide no matter how bad my depression gets. I view suicide as the ultimate weakness in a person's life, and I simply could never admit to myself that the world got the better of me and I was gonna throw in the towel. No matter how bad it gets, I'm not leaving this world without a fight.

Like you, I do not express my emotions and feelings to anyone. Whether it's a trust issue or whatever, I have a very hard time letting people know how I feel. Since coming out to my mother about my depression, I've tried to trust more of my friends and allowing them to help me with my problems. It's slow going now, but I'm trying.

One thing I suggest to do is to quit drinking entirely, and be weary of any medication you may be taking that has side effects such as depression. The worst my depression ever was, was when I was taking Accutane. Some of those nights were simply unbearable, but I won't get into that.

 

[w00t]

Mik3y is probably one of the coolest people i have met he has helped me learning about computer answering my questions.

he really is cool

 

[BooGiMaN]

just out of curiousity why in front of a barnes and noble and why would you want to traumatize a customer or employee like that for life when they found your corpse?

 

[MartyMcFly3]

Originally posted by: MCrusty

Originally posted by: yukichigai
Ambien is easy to get addicted to. The worst part is when it no longer makes you sleep, yet you still want it. (In case you're wondering, I suffer from occasional bouts of insomnia. This is only a problem during finals week)

Now I thought I'd contribute my tale of... not woe, but it's related to the suicide theme. VaeVictus' thread got more than just you thinking.

A few years ago I had a chat buddy who was Schizophrenic. Really schizophrenic. No less than 13 distinct, commonly recurring voices, and a host of other "guest stars". Fun fun fun. Well this guy tells me if he ever starts acting weird or wonky I should call up his buddy Kim and get her to come over and make sure he doesn't hurt himself. Sure enough, it happens. Again and again. He acts weird, says weird crap, I call Kim, he gets a thorazine suppository. One night he goes off the edge. Now I call up Kim as a preemptive strike, but she won't answer. Then he says he can't stop the bleeding. Instantly chills run down my spine. I ask where he's bleeding; he replies from his arms where he's been cutting himself. Then he goes offline.

Well s%$#, I say as my heart kicks into overdrive. So I call up information in Georgia to get the police near his residence. I get through, report a possible suicide attempt. They ask for an address, I respond that I only have a name and a city, no address. They call information, find he has a number. Hooray, I say, now he won't die. But the number and address is private/unlisted. Well f%$#, bitch, I say, he's trying to f%$#ing kill himself, I doubt his privacy matters much at this point. But they can only get the address with administrator approval, and he only comes in at 4am. Oh, well, I say, that's only, what, an hour from now your time? He should be fine, having lost maybe 18 f%$#ing pints of blood. But no, apparantly the new computerized system has locked them out quite firmly. My friend is going to die. Hooray, I down a half bottle of whiskey and pass out so I don't have to deal with this nightmare anymore.

Flash forward 8 hours. I wake up, get online. As if on cue, 5 minutes later he comes online. Turns out he cut himself alright, just not on any veins. His arms now look like a scratching post. Wheeeeee, isn't life grand.

And you want to know the best part? It wasn't real. Any of it. Turns out that in addition to schizophrenia, this fellow also had Dissociative Identity Disorder, aka Multiple Personalities. He wasn't even the main personality. Guess who the real person was? That's right, Kim.

I could write a goddamn screenplay out of this. Hell, I just might.

:Q:Q:Q:Q

Holy sh!t!!!!!!!

That is insane

 

[Mik3y]

Originally posted by: BooGiMaN
just out of curiousity why in front of a barnes and noble and why would you want to traumatize a customer or employee like that for life when they found your corpse?

it was raining like hell and super stormy outside. you couldnt see crap. i held my gun to my head for like 5 minutes straight at one point and people were walking by right in front of my car. they still couldnt see me. the lot was mostly empty because of the rain tho.

 

It really troubles me that

Originally posted by: Mik3y
i dont know much about guns

but you had access to one when you tried to kill yourself.

It's a good thing you failed at your suicide attempt, but Jesus, if there's ever a person who should NOT own a gun, it's you.

 

[thirdlegstump]

Well if you decide to kill yourself, make sure you save enough money for your own funeral and don't hurt others in the process. Also don't make a mess that you can't clean up afterwards as it would be a major inconvenience for others around you.

 

[tjaisv]

The rest of your life may be filled with heavy sorrow and depression. Sorry...I guess some people were meant to suffer like u.

 

[zoiks]

Mikey. I had a friend that commited suicide by hanging himself from the branch of a tree in his backyard with a long exension cord.
Truth be spoken, I think of him to this day and it makes me sad when I remember he joyfully came down that evening to say goodbye to me. I remember finding it awkward since he never did that before. I didnt know what he was about to do.
I found out at work. You have no idea how it affects people around you.
You could take your life but just remember that it would hurt other people too to know that you're gone.

 

[tjaisv]

One finds the peace in death that one never found in life.

 

[HardcoreRobot]

lifes not worth dying for

glad to still have you around though. i dont even bother thinking about suicide bc i know im too much of a pussy to ever do it.

 

[rz8168]

Do you have particular reasons why you decided to get urself dead? Or just plain unexplainable depression??

 

[Stumps]

suicide, what a waste..my brother killed himself in 1996 because his GF left him, some people just don't think about the consenquences of their actions.

 

[Mik3y]

i have a reason, but its far too complicated for me to explain to you guys, since there are so many variables involved. the depression part is what's making me have an extremely difficult time of feeling happy and in control. i really do want to get better.

stumps, i'm sorry that your brother killed himself. trust me when i say that the reasons why i feel the way i do is far more complex then girl troubles.

 

[TallBill]

/me heads to bookstore

But seriously I really dont need to hear about suicidal thoughts.. maybe if it was someone I knew, I'd be like "what the fvck is wrong with you". But for a random guy..

My uncle killed himself a few years ago, and I'm still pissed at him even though he had 3 times the problems that most depressed teenagers cry about.

 

[MrChad]

That's a pretty powerful story. Thanks for sharing.