An Editorial I Wrote: Please comment

phita23

Member
Aug 19, 2002
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The following is an editorial I wrote for my school newspaper. It's pretty much done. Any comments would be appreciated.

THE NEGATIVE

He nods at his teammates and winks at a huddled group of girls as he strolls through the crowded commons area. His 6?1? 210 lbs body stands commandingly among his peers. The collar of his Varsity jacket is ruffled; the ?P/1B? position patch ostensibly sewn on his right sleeve. Along him stands a kid, 5?6? barely 120 lbs soaking wet, fitted in his own Varsity jacket, with ?Debater? tagged on his arm. Wait a minute, in what sport is there a position called Debater?

[Info on why debate club is pushing for varsity letters]

?Debate is a club where we have an annual problem and try to create a plan that will solve the problem,? says club co-president, junior Maggie Boniecka. The affirmative team proposes a solution, and the negative team tries to debunk it as implausible or illogical.

?Debate is very competitive. It requires considerable hours of preparation, effort, and skill,? says club co-president, junior Elissa Dunn. She estimates her team will log 25 hours of practice this season.
Elite chess club members polish their skills for hours as well. Hell, what in life doesn?t demand a few hours of preparation? ?I work real hard in math class, should I get a varsity letter in math?? asks junior Ryan Canning.
?AP Chem is hard as hell. I spend hours doing problems [each week] and the class is very competitive but I don?t receive a letter in it,? says junior Tai Alon.

The preparation hours that debate club puts in hours are grossly dwarfed compared that invested by athletic teams. ?An athletic [team practices for] about 300 hours a season. [For some first year varsity seniors,] that?s 1,200 hours for a varsity letter,? explains Grasso, Supervisor of Athletics and Wellness at PHS. Also consider those are only the hours that the entire team practices together; it?s impossible to be a varsity athlete without months of individual training in the off season.
Football players are already lifting for next season 9 months in advance. Nearly the entire varsity baseball team is currently receiving instruction at PBI, a private camp, in preparation for next spring. Many other athletes, like David Suh and Edgar Cepena have trained at Parisi?s, a speed and strength camp, prior to their track season. ?There?s no weight room for debaters,? points out junior Andy Kiely. Do debaters go to voice lessons or do jumping-jacks to maintain their arguing stamina?

Unfortunately, Canning and Alon will not be receiving varsity letters for their ?considerable hours of preparation and effort.? The PHS Athletics and Wellness department awards letters to varsity athletes who play a sport recognized by the NJSIAA (New Jersey State Interscholastic Athletic Association). These letters are limited to 32 sports recognized by the association; debate, along with math and chemistry is not one of them.

For most of the PHS student body and teachers, the meaning of a varsity letter is universal and unambiguous. To Grasso, a varsity letter awarded to an athlete means that ?[he or she is] good enough to compete in a high school sport.?
?Varsity synonymous with athletics,? says varsity basketball coach Bill Whitney.
When asked to whom a varsity letter is given, 3 year varsity track junior Jessica Malacrida immediately responded, ?Oh, of course varsity letters are only for sports.?
?Honestly, I don?t think of academics,? says junior Peter Soderman.
?My father only got varsity letters for athletics. It?s tradition,? says freshman Connor Nutland.
To junior Dominick Roman, a member of the PHS golf team, a varsity letter means that ?I?m the best out there. I?m the real deal.? That?s the image that should remain. If non-athletes start getting varsity letters, it will dilute the prestige of being one of the best athletes in the school.

Debaters say they want Varsity letters to gain recognition and respect among their peers. ?To excel at something is an honor,? says Boniecka. ?It?s deserving of recognition.?
?It?s an ego booster,? says Dunn. ?It makes you look good, people look up to you. Like, ?Hey this person is good at debating.? ?
?Some [members] join debate so they can put it for college,? adds Lim.
Seeking varsity recognition to boost your ego or to appeal to your peers and colleges is a faulty motive.
?To want a varsity letter so that people to look up to you is retarded,? says Soderman.
?To be cool is to participate in an activity, not to parade around with the actual letter,? says debater junior Kenny Lee.
?A piece of paper won?t make a difference, it won?t give you respect,? says Roman.

?Debate club is an academic sport,? claims Dunn. Whoa! What exactly constitutes an academic sport? A sport, defined by The 4th Ed. American Heritage Dictionary, is a ?physical activity that is often engaged in competitively.?
?Formal argument is not a physical activity,? reasons senior Scott Darwick.
So what qualifies debate as an ?academic sport?? Logical reasoning isn?t a physical activity. If it?s vocal, then singing has be a sport, too. Varsity and JV chorus? Would understudies for ?Brigadoon? be the bench players? If it?s in the frantic arm waving then the sign language club deserves a letter.
?All sports have the injury factor; the possibility exists for a season ending injury,? adds Alex Kaplanovich, head football coach at PHS. ?There?s no injury factor in debate.?
?The biggest injury a debater will get is a paper cut,? jokes junior Leo Muchnik.

Why the debate club chose the varsity nomenclature is beyond me. Now the club?s seeking of varsity letters is a blatant attempt to leech off of our student athletes? achievements. By awarding debate club with the same recognition that our school?s best athletes receive, debates are insidiously raising themselves to the same pedestal as athletes.

?In general, academics and sports are separated,? says Dunn, ?But they do overlap. In sports, you need strategy, to know who to pass the ball to.? So a wrestler who nimbly executes a clever takedown or a baseball pitcher who outsmarts the batter should be the Academic Student of the Month? Does a bowler who bowls a 300 receive a physics award for perfecting his curve? Athletes don?t demand academic recognition for their athletic achievements; debate club shouldn?t seek athletic recognition either.

My resolve is to give recognition where recognition is due. To terminate any misconceptions between debate and a varsity sport, the debate club should rename their teams. ?They should have beginner, intermediate, and advanced levels,? suggests sophomore Allison Kapr. ?Varsity and junior varsity should be for sports. [The names] should be kept different.?
?Clubs should be rewarded,? says Grasso, ?But not in [the same category as] athletics.?
Whitney agrees, ?Debate could get a different award that the school sets up, that isn?t involved in athletics.? Just as we don?t give Ted?s Deli a varsity letter for their American Chicken, we shouldn?t award it to debaters either.
Besides if debaters do get varsity letters, ?What would their insignia be [on their jackets]?? asks varsity girls soccer and baseball coach Vic DiPasquale. My guess is a big mouth.

Gone are the days when awards and recognition made sense. Gone are the old days when hard working athletes got athletic recognition and hard working scholars got academic recognition. Today the debaters want varsity letters, tomorrow the basketball players will fight over who has the highest IQ. I give up. Just give me my damn varsity ?Chessmaster? jacket.

 

HappyPuppy

Lifer
Apr 5, 2001
16,997
2
71
I'm sure it's very good, but far too long to read right now. I'll put it on my calendar to read right after War and Peace.
 

hjo3

Diamond Member
May 22, 2003
7,354
4
0
You've got a few grammar errors. E.g.:
"The preparation hours that debate club puts in hours are grossly dwarfed compared that invested by athletic teams."
"debates are insidiously raising themselves to the same pedestal as athletes."
 

phita23

Member
Aug 19, 2002
72
0
0
Thanks hjo3.

What do you think of my path of logic? Am I missing any convicing factors?
 

Hubris

Platinum Member
Jul 14, 2001
2,749
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0
It's been a while since I took a journalism class, but is that the format for editorials? That seems more like a feature peice to me.
 

Ness

Diamond Member
Jul 10, 2002
5,407
2
0
Originally posted by: Hubris
It's been a while since I took a journalism class, but is that the format for editorials? That seems more like a feature peice to me.

Precisely. An editorial is about 50% personal opinion/standpoint and 50% facts to back it up. It is often (nearly) one-sided, and the only time it presents other views is to point them out right before it knocks them down.

For some excellent example of editorials, open up a newsweek and in the first few pages there is a section called "My Turn", which is all reader-submitted editorials, or just read the newspaper's editorials.

After reading the article, I don't see a clear thesis statement that directly defines what you (the author of the editorial) thinks of the piece. Not only that, but I don't see what stake you have in the piece. Why should we give a crap about your opinion if we don't know what this means to you? Are you on the debate team, or are you an athlete? If you aren't, you may have a hard time with this subject. Could it be that you are a student who is deeply concerned with preserving the nature of the varsity letter?

Also, you have two (three, maybe?) paragraphs that consist almost entirely of quotes... which all say the same thing. While they are all very valid points and good statements, there are two problems wrong with this. One, the aformentioned... this is an editorial, it's YOUR opinion, and two, it waters down the article and becomes boring. I don't know any of these people, I don't really care who they are, so you should stick to the quotes that are MOST effective and from the people who are the biggest players in the situation or have the the point that best fits your opinion.

I won't go through and pick out the grammar and spelling mistakes, because this is a high school class and that would be a waste of time.

The points you make in the article are valid, however, they are also somewhat weak. You should take some time and think of some ways to "empower" them, and be sure to put the most powerful arguments first, because many readers sometimes stop halfway through a piece and you don't want them to miss the best parts.

No matter what, take out the quote "To want a varsity letter so that people to look up to you is retarded,? says Soderman."
That is BEYOND derogatory, and if I were an english teacher I would give this paper a failing grade for that reason alone. It is NEVER acceptable to use derogatory statements like that, even if it has nothing to do with the subject, even if it is just "common slang", etc. It shows a lack of appreciation for your audience, and completely insults their intelligence, even if it is a direct quote. But most importantly, it shows (especially in an editorial) that your opinion is crap and that we shouldn't listen to you. (which is why I would fail you, with that one statement you make the entire paper unsucessful from its purpose.)

Oh, and one more thing. You may want to remind your readers that there is a such thing as an academic letter, which can really be obtained by anyone with good grades (like I did) but is prestigious none the less.
 

AreaCode707

Lifer
Sep 21, 2001
18,447
133
106
"Now the club?s seeking of varsity letters is a blatant attempt to leech off of our student athletes? achievements. By awarding debate club with the same recognition that our school?s best athletes receive, debates are insidiously raising themselves to the same pedestal as athletes."

You have a base assumption there that athletes are already on a pedestal above academics. Since it's an editorial you can obviously do that but you'd want to establish that premise earlier on, and doing it at all is likely to distance many readers.
 

SaturnX

Diamond Member
Jul 16, 2000
3,415
0
76
Originally posted by: Hubris
It's been a while since I took a journalism class, but is that the format for editorials? That seems more like a feature peice to me.

I've gotta agree with Hubris, that doesn't sound like much of an editorial but rather an article, or feature piece.

--Mark
 

phita23

Member
Aug 19, 2002
72
0
0
ness1469 - thanks a lot on your advice, i'll take them into consideration and update. Do you have an suggestions on how to make my comments more powerful?

I don't think my school has academic letters.

maybe my article is more of a feature then. I just don't want to come off as a bully, so i had other people say some things too.

I am an athlete so that's where I'm coming from. How do you suggest I clear that up?

hotchic - I tried to establish that with:

"To junior Dominick Roman, a member of the PHS golf team, a varsity letter means that ?I?m the best out there. I?m the real deal.? That?s the image that should remain. " maybe I should insert "... real deal. To be recognized as an elite athlete is highly respected and envied. That's..."
 

Ness

Diamond Member
Jul 10, 2002
5,407
2
0
Originally posted by: phita23
ness1469 - thanks a lot on your advice, i'll take them into consideration and update. Do you have an suggestions on how to make my comments more powerful?

Stop beating around the bush in paragraphs and just say exactly what you want to show, then back it up with "evidence".. I use that losely because I mean that more as viewpoints and opinions backed up by some slight facts. In some of the paragrahps, you get what you are pointing out, but just come out and say it. Don't imply anything.

I don't think my school has academic letters.
Perhaps that could work as a solution then. Maybe you could mention how some schools DO have them, and that your school could get them, too. Research academic letters a bit and then think up a possible criteria for them. In my school, anyone could get an academic letter. You could get one based on your cumulative GPA... freshman year it was 4.0+, sophmore it was 3.75+, junior and senior year it was 3.5+, as of my junior year, they added the requirement that you had to partake in two non-athletic extracurricular activites. So basically, anyone that could join two clubs and stay on honor roll could pick one up in the junior year at the least.

maybe my article is more of a feature then. I just don't want to come off as a bully, so i had other people say some things too.
Does the article have to be an editorial? If not, then it works just fine as a feature, with a few cleanup issues. But if it has to be an editorial, then it should be mostly your opinion. You won't come across as a "bully" if you spend time in the article discussing why you feel a certain way in a logical manner. Like I said before, show other viewpoints... but make sure you refute them. You'd be a bully if you said "Those chess nerds need to stop popping zits, get over it, and go back to their dungeons and dragons." You won't be a bully if you can discuss things without insulting people.

I am an athlete so that's where I'm coming from. How do you suggest I clear that up?
How about by simply saying that you're an athlete?

A good way to start is by saying "As an athlete (put your thesis statement here)" or "as a member of the varsity football team, I can say..."



 

phita23

Member
Aug 19, 2002
72
0
0
I thought it would be more interesting to read if I let someone's quotes set it up and i'll knock them down. Maybe it would be a little dry if I just got to the point and closed it.

My point pretty much is "Debate shouldn't get an award reserved for athletes." That would be a pretty short story.
 

sparkyclarky

Platinum Member
May 3, 2002
2,389
0
0
Originally posted by: HotChic
"Now the club?s seeking of varsity letters is a blatant attempt to leech off of our student athletes? achievements. By awarding debate club with the same recognition that our school?s best athletes receive, debates are insidiously raising themselves to the same pedestal as athletes."

You have a base assumption there that athletes are already on a pedestal above academics. Since it's an editorial you can obviously do that but you'd want to establish that premise earlier on, and doing it at all is likely to distance many readers.

Yeah, you might want to watch out for that.

FYI, I lettered in Cross Country, Model UN, Forensics, Academics, and was just a smidge (5 points out of 200) away from lettering in Math. I regard all of the experiences as character and skill building, and wouldn't necessarily place them in any particular rank.
 

Siddhartha

Lifer
Oct 17, 1999
12,505
3
81
Is this high school? Actually, I think that academics should get more air time than athletics but your editorial was tough to follow. You could have made your point in a third to half the words you used here.
 
D

Deleted member 4644

ness1469 and Hubris had good advice. I do this for a living (sorta) and what you wrote is not really an op-ed, nor is it a proper column. Work on it a bit, give it a clear thesis, cut down on the quoting, and add more plain argumentation. That will help a lot.

If you are still stuck, PM me.

This is a high school paper yes?
 

opticalmace

Golden Member
Oct 22, 2003
1,841
0
0
i didn't read it (about to head to bed), but an interesting thing i noted about really well-written articles...

i was able to comprehend almost all of the points discussed by simply reading the first line of each paragraph

it's a bit automatic to force yourself to, but make sure you have stone-set statements, lest you be stuck with no argument/opinion
sitting on the fence sucks arse.
 

opticalmace

Golden Member
Oct 22, 2003
1,841
0
0
Originally posted by: phita23
I thought it would be more interesting to read if I let someone's quotes set it up and i'll knock them down. Maybe it would be a little dry if I just got to the point and closed it.

My point pretty much is "Debate shouldn't get an award reserved for athletes." That would be a pretty short story.

that point is phrased rather awkwardly..
perhaps (however you use this, i don't know) try to keep it simple, clean, and understandable

you don't have to be specific thorought the article...
even a simple reference to "misdirected acclaim" will get you on your way

gives you a strong opinion
 

phita23

Member
Aug 19, 2002
72
0
0
I polished. Cutting lines feels like chomping off limbs lol

He nods at his teammates and winks at a huddled group of girls as he strolls through the crowded commons area. His 6?1? 210 lbs body stands commandingly among his peers. The collar of his Varsity jacket is ruffled; the ?P/1B? position patch ostensibly sewn on his right sleeve. Along him stands a kid, 5?6? barely 120 lbs soaking wet, fitted in his own Varsity jacket, with ?Debater? tagged on his arm. Wait a minute, in what sport is there a position called Debater?

If the debate club gets their way, varsity debate jackets may flood the hallways. Michele McKenzie, debate club advisor, wants her varsity debaters to receive varsity letters, á la those awarded to PHS varsity athletes.

?Debate is very competitive. It requires considerable hours of preparation, effort, and skill,? says club co-president, junior Elissa Dunn.
?[The debaters] put in the same amount of hours and effort [as athletes do,]? says McKenzie.

McKenzie?s statement has proved to be untrue. Dunn, a varsity debater, estimates that her team will log 25 hours of practice this season; senior Vincent Lim and juniors Chris Kim and James Lavelle, all varsity debaters, estimate that each of their teams practice 20 to 40 hours for debate this season. Four debaters admitted, all anonymously, that his or her varsity sport requires ?far more effort? than debate club.

?An athletic [team practices for] 200 to 250 hours a season. [For some first year varsity seniors,] that?s 800 hours for a varsity letter,? explains Grasso, Supervisor of Athletics and Wellness at PHS. According to Alex Kaplanovich, head football coach at PHS, the football team invested 245½ hours of practice in the 2003 season.
In what job can I work 50 hours and claim over 200?

Also consider those are only the hours that the entire team practices together; it?s impossible to be a varsity athlete without months of individual training in the off season.
Football players are already lifting for their next season, 9 months in advance. Nearly the entire varsity baseball team is receiving private instruction in the off season. ?There?s no weight room for debaters,? points out junior Andy Kiely. Do debaters go to voice lessons or do jumping-jacks to maintain their arguing stamina?

Grasso, varsity basketball coach Bill Whitney, and the students interviewed agree that the debate club deserves some kind of recognition. Just as importantly, they agree that awarding debaters with varsity letters would wrongfully acclaim them. The PHS Athletics and Wellness department only awards letters to varsity athletes who play one of 32 sport recognized by the NJSIAA (New Jersey State Interscholastic Athletic Association); debate is not one of them.

The meaning of a varsity letter is unambiguous and unequivocal. ?Varsity is synonymous with athletics,? says Whitney.
To junior Dominick Roman, a varsity letter means that ?I?m the best out there. I?m the real deal.? To be recognized as varsity is highly respected. It means you?re among the best athletes in the school. This is the image that should remain. If non-athletes start getting varsity letters, it will dilute the prestige of being ?the real deal.?

?Debate club is an academic sport,? claims Dunn. Whoa! What exactly constitutes an academic sport? A sport, defined by The 4th Ed. American Heritage Dictionary, is a ?physical activity that is often engaged in competitively.?
?Formal argument is not a physical activity,? reasons senior Scott Darwick.
So what qualifies debate as an ?academic sport?? Logical reasoning isn?t a physical activity. If it?s vocal, then singing has be a sport, too. Varsity and JV chorus? If it?s in the frantic arm waving then the sign language club deserves a letter.
?All sports have the injury factor; the possibility exists for a season ending injury,? says Kaplanovich. ?There?s no injury factor in debate.? Where are the bruises, cuts, strains, breaks and ubiquitous ice bags in debate?
?The biggest injury a debater will get is a paper cut,? jokes junior Leo Muchnik.

Debaters say they want varsity letters for respect from others. ?It?s an ego booster,? says Dunn. ?It makes you look good, people look up to you. [They?ll say,] ?Hey this person is good at debating.? ?
?Some [members] join debate so they can put it for college,? adds Lim.
Seeking varsity recognition to boost your ego, to appeal to your peers, or to be a better college candidate are faulty motives.
?To be cool is to participate in an activity, not to parade around with the actual letter,? says debater junior Kenny Lee.

The underlying reason why the debate club chose the varsity nomenclature is clear. Debaters want to be associated in name and thought with PHS student athletes. PHS athletes are highly respected for their work ethic and commitment in their sport. If the debate club successfully campaigns for varsity letters, they will have cheaply raised their club to the same pedestal as athletes; while lowering the overall stature of varsity. This pedestal, reserved for the best student athletes, must not be entitled to any non-athletic and unqualified club.
?If we start giving varsity letters to debaters, soon we?re going to have to give it to every club,? says an anonymous varsity debater.

?In general, academics and sports are separated,? says Dunn, ?But they do overlap. In sports, you need strategy, to know who to pass the ball to.? So a wrestler who executes a clever takedown deserves to be the Academic Student of the Month? Does a bowler who bowls a 300 receive a physics award for perfecting his curve? Athletes don?t demand academic recognition for their athletic achievements; debate club shouldn?t seek any athletic recognition either.

To terminate any misconceptions between debate and a varsity sport, the debate club must rename their teams. ?They should have beginner, intermediate, and advanced levels,? suggests sophomore Allison Kapr. ?Varsity and junior varsity should be for sports. [The names] should be kept different.?
?Clubs should be rewarded,? says Grasso, ?But not in [the same category as] athletics.? Just as we don?t give Ted?s Deli a varsity letter for their American Chicken, it would be unreasonable to award it to debaters.
If debaters do get letters, ?What would their insignia be [on their jackets]?? quips varsity girls soccer and baseball coach Vic DiPasquale. My guess is a big mouth.

Gone are the days when awards and recognition made sense. Gone are the days when hard working athletes got athletic recognition and hard working scholars got academic recognition. Today the debaters want varsity letters, tomorrow the basketball players will fight over who has the highest IQ. I give up. Just give me my damn varsity ?Chessmaster? jacket.
 

MithShrike

Diamond Member
May 5, 2002
3,440
0
0
OK I am still in high school and go to an alternative school simply because I HATE all the god-damned bullsh!t about varsity letters, who's a nerd, and 'I'm better than you because I play a sport! I still haven't quite figured out why you scare the living sh!t out of me though.' I can't stand the basic dynamic of the average American high school. Yes, athletics can be entertaining and I know from personal experience that it can also be very rewarding. However, I do not agree with the glorification of athletes. I am a firm believer that one's actions should reflect one's beliefs and respect should follow for upholding those beliefs rather than for the action itself.

OK, I'm too damned tired to elaborate any more. If anyone wants to talk I'm on AIM as UnoJavaAddict and on MSN as masterofpain_shrike@hotmail.com . Yep.
 
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