Are friends useless?

[slackerinabox]

Maybe turning 30 was enough or having a pregnant wife (due in 2 months! wo0t!), but my friends have proven to be absolutely useless and I'm beginning to wonder if finding a new group is even worthwhile.. I'd never considered myself a loner, and used to have dozens of friends and 5 or 6 I'd consider close life-long friends. Now that numbers dwindled because people don't seem to understand my married life and forget that I've always been there for them in times of need. I'm constantly the kind to do people favors - need a ride? Sure! Need to stay at my place? Sure! I'll watch your dog too! But now whenever I need something excuses come up or my friggin best man at my wedding doesn't return my call when I need help moving a dresser (I've done him countless favors).. Then there's the fact that 30 year olds (at least in NYC) all still act like they're in college, with drinking being the primary means of entertainment while drinking's the last thing I want to do after working 6 days a week. A movie? Sure! But people just drink, drink, and drink.

This absolutely sucks. No one's married, no one understand's what it's like to be or going to be a father, no one has any real responsibilities, and everyone seems to be a user either emotionally with their b.s. drama or asking for favor after favor and never giving back...

Is this married life? I'm ok with that, my wife's always been my best friend. Or is my experience atypical? How do you even make new adult friends these days?

 

[sourceninja]

Sounds like your getting old. Just relax, it happens.

 

[highland145]

Typical.

People buy a house, they want to talk about their house.
People have kids, they want to talk about their kids.
People get married, the singles don't get it.
etc, etc.

I've got life long friends that I may not talk to for months but when we get together, it still clicks.

New friends? No time because of your new baby.

 

[Lean L]

Sounds like your getting old. Just relax, it happens.

I feel kind of the same way and I'm 21. I think that there's definitely some truth in that. I've stopped doing favors for a lot of people (it's probably down to two friends who I will go out of my way to help) since I know that people are likely to never return the favor and act unappreciative and entitled.

Sux the world that we live in sometimes. Makes me wonder if we are still supposed to live in tribes.

edit: to add to that... if someone does you a favor don't ever look at it like they were supposed to... that pisses me off to no end... I had this friend that I cut off completely since he was trying to get his license.. he asked me to teach him. I provided the car, the fuel, the time, and the lessons. He would call me 30 mins in advance and ask me to meet him to drive... sure okay.. not even a thank you for the many sessions... To add insult to injury this guy was the worst driver in the world. He supposedly knew how to drive to begin with... yeah right... He drove my auto with two feet even after I told him repeatedly to only use one. His excuse was that he was used to manual... Bullshit. You'd have to know how to turn a corner to know how to drive manual... not to mention you don't brake with your left foot anyways... Idk if he ever got his license but if he did, the world is slightly less safe.

 

[bignateyk]

My wife and I have mostly gotten new friends since we got married. Still some old friends, but we don't do much anymore. I dunno.. I think it's just natural. We don't have nearly as many friends as we used to.

I'd just as soon sit at home and have a drink and a cigar on my deck than deal with driving to a bar, paying for overpriced drinks, wading through the crowds...

If we do anything anymore it's usually just having another couple over for dinner or going over to another couples house for dinner...

My wife has a group of women that she gets together with every monday night to do woman stuff though (naked pillow fights, etc...?)

 

[HydroSqueegee]

ive always had a small group of close friends. Fortunitely we're all married with children now. Except for my best friend. He ended up marring my wifes cousin, but they dont and wont have any children. If it wasnt for family functions, i would never see him.

Singles dont understand married people somewhat. I think its more of the child factor that alienates parents from friends with none. children suck up 100% of your life.

 

[slackerinabox]

Typical.

People buy a house, they want to talk about their house.
People have kids, they want to talk about their kids.
People get married, the singles don't get it.
etc, etc.

I've got life long friends that I may not talk to for months but when we get together, it still clicks.

New friends? No time because of your new baby.

I think you're right. Getting engaged meant losing some friends. Buying a house while all my peers are renters or still have roommates...It actually pissed some people off! Having a baby? No one understands that one at all.. I'm very, very careful never to gloat, brag, or even talk much about it but .. You're right.. then we have nothing to talk about..

 

[sdifox]

Sleep now, rage later when your kid keeps you awake

 

[gorcorps]

What I'm getting out of this thread is that married people are useless to anybody not in that family. Keep pointing the finger elsewhere though. I'm not saying nobody should get married or anything, but lets look at this from their perspective... who changed here? You did. Can't blame them for not making life changing steps when you did.

 

[highland145]

Sleep now, rage later when your kid keeps you awake

QFT Too bad you can't bank it. "Think I'll pull a couple of hours out of my sleep bank. Ahhhh."

Had a buddy with twins. He looked like hell for the 1st year.

 

[highland145]

What I'm getting out of this thread is that married people are useless to anybody not in that family. Keep pointing the finger elsewhere though. I'm not saying nobody should get married or anything, but lets look at this from their perspective... who changed here? You did. Can't blame them for not making life changing steps when you did.

Looks like freedoms is having the opposite problem. His friends are users and useless.

 

[slackerinabox]

I feel kind of the same way and I'm 21. I think that there's definitely some truth in that. I've stopped doing favors for a lot of people (it's probably down to two friends who I will go out of my way to help) since I know that people are likely to never return the favor and act unappreciative and entitled.

Sux the world that we live in sometimes. Makes me wonder if we are still supposed to live in tribes.

edit: to add to that... if someone does you a favor don't ever look at it like they were supposed to... that pisses me off to no end... I had this friend that I cut off completely since he was trying to get his license.. he asked me to teach him. I provided the car, the fuel, the time, and the lessons. He would call me 30 mins in advance and ask me to meet him to drive... sure okay.. not even a thank you for the many sessions... To add insult to injury this guy was the worst driver in the world. He supposedly knew how to drive to begin with... yeah right... He drove my auto with two feet even after I told him repeatedly to only use one. His excuse was that he was used to manual... Bullshit. You'd have to know how to turn a corner to know how to drive manual... not to mention you don't brake with your left foot anyways... Idk if he ever got his license but if he did, the world is slightly less safe.

Oh, when people do me favors I take them out to dinner or send them a card, I'm not ungrateful in the least (even if someone watched my dog after I watched there's many times before). I never act as though I'm entitled, but it does get old after your pleas for help go unanswered when you've helped people time and again. Especially with a pregnant wife and parents in their 70s - I feel like I have to do everything alone right now, which is kinda overwhelming.

 

[Lean L]

Oh, when people do me favors I take them out to dinner or send them a card, I'm not ungrateful in the least (even if someone watched my dog after I watched there's many times before). I never act as though I'm entitled, but it does get old after your pleas for help go unanswered when you've helped people time and again. Especially with a pregnant wife and parents in their 70s - I feel like I have to do everything alone right now, which is kinda overwhelming.

I wasn't talking about you lol. It just irks me when people do it. That's good what you do though. I'd be doming so many more favors for people if I got a meal or a card afterwards.

 

[slackerinabox]

What I'm getting out of this thread is that married people are useless to anybody not in that family. Keep pointing the finger elsewhere though. I'm not saying nobody should get married or anything, but lets look at this from their perspective... who changed here? You did. Can't blame them for not making life changing steps when you did.

That's absolutely not true - just in the past few months I've watched friends dogs (even though I gave mine away), hand delivered speakers I didn't need anymore to "friends," gave away furniture to friends, played host countless times. I never made excuses when people needed anything and have always been around, my only thing is that I don't drink anymore. I can't afford to waste $200 a night (bars in Manhattan are expensive) and my wife can't drink. And I don't like the feeling anymore.

 

[pcgeek11]

Here is a hint:

If they are treating you like this; they were never really your true friends at all. You grew up they are still children. Move on and remember this when they ask for help...

 

[sdifox]

QFT Too bad you can't bank it. "Think I'll pull a couple of hours out of my sleep bank. Ahhhh."

Had a buddy with twins. He looked like hell for the 1st year.

And of course the twins don't operate on the same schedule. The tag team!

 

[slackerinabox]

My wife and I have mostly gotten new friends since we got married. Still some old friends, but we don't do much anymore. I dunno.. I think it's just natural. We don't have nearly as many friends as we used to.

I'd just as soon sit at home and have a drink and a cigar on my deck than deal with driving to a bar, paying for overpriced drinks, wading through the crowds...

If we do anything anymore it's usually just having another couple over for dinner or going over to another couples house for dinner...

My wife has a group of women that she gets together with every monday night to do woman stuff though (naked pillow fights, etc...?)

Weird question, but where do you find married friends, especially with kids? I guess I have to be more outgoing again, I think I forgot how to make new friends! I'm thinking it'll be easier once my kid's old enough to socialize in groups, but not sure where to go to meet new parents. It would be wonderful to have someone to vent to every now and then, or hear vent

 

[Murloc]

If you change your lifestyle you can't keep all of your friends. You're bound to lose those who don't change with you.
Just find new ones or engage more with those who got married or have children.

 

[highland145]

Weird question, but where do you find married friends, especially with kids? I guess I have to be more outgoing again, I think I forgot how to make new friends! I'm thinking it'll be easier once my kid's old enough to socialize in groups, but not sure where to go to meet new parents. It would be wonderful to have someone to vent to every now and then, or hear vent

You won't have time with the newbie. After that, daycare parents, kindergarten parents, etc.

New friends? What the heck is wrong with us?


kidding.

 

[Lalakai]

part of the problem may be how you define "friends". you should have at least a couple different "classes" of friends. The rare friends that will always stick by you, the ones you can call at 3 AM to help with a stopped vehicle; they are more like family, your kids will call them "aunt or uncle" though there is no blood relation. These friends are small in number, maybe 1-3. For the other type, most are casual friends. You know them and their families, you wave at each other as you pass, sometimes you send 'em cards. Rarely do you meet or get together, but you are comfortable with them and can ask for help in emergencies but you are hesitant to do so. You will do small favors for each other but they are not part of your primary security net.

lol as someone already pointed out, kids take up your time; especially in the early phases. I make a joke about it that the best form of birth control is having one child. Any more after that and you loose the creditability to call yourself sane and logical. That said, I have to join the insane non-logical group. But they are worth it.

Look for those people who are the rare friends, realize there is no "give and take" as close friends don't keep count of those things. In some areas they will be closer then family. If you can find 1 or 2 people like that, you are doing well. The others.............they are friends that make you appreciate your close friend even more.

 

[darkswordsman17]

OP, that's typical, and its because your interests are diverging from theirs.

I actually have kinda the same issue. Basically its like since about sophomore year of high school everything is focused around drinking, and its actually gotten worse as time has gone on. Hey, let's go fishing...to drink and sit around. Let's go out tonight (which is going somewhere to eat...and drink, possibly followed by going to a bar). Let's play cards...to sit around and drink. Let's go camping...to sit around and drink. Let's go on vacation...to sit around and drink somewhere else.

I don't mind taking it easy or having alcohol being involved, but its pretty much completely pervasive in everything. Its also annoying because the drinking really takes it out of people as they age, so they just want to sit around and do hardly anything until they pass out at like 10 or 11.

And they act like they're making big plans, but just ends up being going to one person's house and sitting around and drinking. Sometimes they get pissed if you decide to go do something else too like you ruined their plans. I remember one night we were going to go do a bunch of stuff, but someone had an issue or something (one of the guy's girlfriends got pissy about something which blew everything to hell), and ended up sitting around drinking watching a baseball game (the Royals too, so it was extra awful). I couldn't leave because I rode with one of the people. Oh, but boy did I ever witness a horribly exciting game of darts.

Its like they're just drinking until they inevitably get married and have kids. That seems to be what normal is though. Seems like a lot of people resign themselves to that situation, so when someone has a kid they start to distance themselves as they're still clinging to "independence".

Oh, and those flaky friends are assholes. I've still got some friends that I'd help out pretty much no questions asked (assuming I can help them out). Not sure if they'd all reciprocate that (actually one I learned long ago I can't count on even for something small, but luckily one of the other ones was more than willing to help out), but there's at least one that would and that's enough. True friends are very rare though, and you'll be lucky if you keep any after you get married and start having kids.

 

[slackerinabox]

Here is a hint:

If they are treating you like this; they were never really your true friends at all. You grew up they are still children. Move on and remember this when they ask for help...

You're right. Funny thing I lost people during every step - got married, lost some people I thought were "true" friends.. Now I have 2 people I thought were there for me, and they're MIA now. It's just depressing, though I'm glad to hear from you guys that this is just the way it is.

 

[slackerinabox]

Just realized that my bachelor party was the last time I got drunk and the last time I saw my old friends in their element... Funny, I had no idea it was such a turning point at the time. I would have done lines then!

 

[Possessed Freak]

Sounds like you regret getting married and having kids. I am out drinking tonight and going to go bang some random chick. Winning!

Just kidding man, you have a change in priorities. The friends have a different set of priorities.

 

[dpodblood]

Sounds like you are growing and changing, and your friends aren't. Not that that's a bad thing. They have the right to be who they are, and you have the right to be who you are, but that also means you are going to start growing apart. It's only natural. Maybe it's time to start finding some new friends with common interests. Although i suspect you wont have much time for anything after your baby is born.