Are friends useless?

[Stuxnet]

I've noticed that truly good friends are one in a million. Most people are just looking out for #1. We recently had some issues in our neighborhood where (I thought) everyone was really close. One person started bitching about another person behind their back and wanted everyone to pick sides. When three of us refused (such as myself), said person lashed out in uncontrollable rage (hate-filled FB messages, email, etc). Everyone else just completely withdrew and became hermits.

So rather than trying to sort it out and preserve friendships, everyone just bunkered themselves.

When the going gets tough, most people flee like cowards.

 

[dpodblood]

I've noticed that truly good friends are one in a million. Most people are just looking out for #1.

This. I would say I have 4-5 that I would call true friends. That is people who are always there for me when I need help, and I would help out whenever possible.

 

[Zargon]

You're right. Funny thing I lost people during every step - got married, lost some people I thought were "true" friends.. Now I have 2 people I thought were there for me, and they're MIA now. It's just depressing, though I'm glad to hear from you guys that this is just the way it is.

I wouldnt write them all off. they'll slowly come around eventually. its hard to hold 'not wanting to grow up' against people for a while.

I have friends in their late 20's still trying to party like they are in college. TBH at times it makes me jealous cuz I can't do it anymore, I can barely handle it when we get together.

When my wife leaves town I'll hang out with them(my wife can't handle the nights out with them), and inevitably drank under the table.

hell, one of them is a good friend thats older than me(mid 30's) and is in the middle of a divorce. so he's regressed


of ocurse, if your main thing in common was just drinking, that makes it harder

 

[Krynj]

I'm a very specific person when it comes to who I will call a "friend". Having said that, most of my best friends are people I've known since I was about 12 or 13. We were best friends through Junior high, high school, college, and still make time to see each other now that we're all graduated and don't live quite so close. We're all 24-26 now, and we've just stuck together for so long. Of course we've all got other friends we've met along the way, but the core group of us have just stuck together and always gotten along so well. I feel very fortunate to have such awesome friends.

Most of us live within an hour or two of each other, and some out of state. But we still make time to get together as often as we can. Most of us are in long-term relationships, and a couple are even married (no kids yet), but any chance we have to get together and do something -- we do it. My girlfriend and I host a burger night once a month, where we invite them all up for a night, feed them burgers, beer, and whatever else. Spend the whole night laughing, and just enjoying each other's company.

Once a year we get the WHOLE group together, and go on a weekend-long camping trip. The out of state friends make the trip home, and we spend the weekend together. Grilling, tipping 'em back, and just shooting the shit. It's easy to stay in touch via SMS/Facebook/Email/Phone, so we all stay pretty well connected. And when we see each other, it doesn't matter how much time has passed. It's always just like old times.

Love those people. I'd do anything for them, and I know they'd do anything for me.

So no, friends are not useless. Perhaps you use the term 'friend' a bit too loosely.

 

[PingSpike]

OP, that's typical, and its because your interests are diverging from theirs.

I actually have kinda the same issue. Basically its like since about sophomore year of high school everything is focused around drinking, and its actually gotten worse as time has gone on. Hey, let's go fishing...to drink and sit around. Let's go out tonight (which is going somewhere to eat...and drink, possibly followed by going to a bar). Let's play cards...to sit around and drink. Let's go camping...to sit around and drink. Let's go on vacation...to sit around and drink somewhere else.

I don't mind taking it easy or having alcohol being involved, but its pretty much completely pervasive in everything. Its also annoying because the drinking really takes it out of people as they age, so they just want to sit around and do hardly anything until they pass out at like 10 or 11.

And they act like they're making big plans, but just ends up being going to one person's house and sitting around and drinking. Sometimes they get pissed if you decide to go do something else too like you ruined their plans. I remember one night we were going to go do a bunch of stuff, but someone had an issue or something (one of the guy's girlfriends got pissy about something which blew everything to hell), and ended up sitting around drinking watching a baseball game (the Royals too, so it was extra awful). I couldn't leave because I rode with one of the people. Oh, but boy did I ever witness a horribly exciting game of darts.

Its like they're just drinking until they inevitably get married and have kids. That seems to be what normal is though. Seems like a lot of people resign themselves to that situation, so when someone has a kid they start to distance themselves as they're still clinging to "independence".

Oh, and those flaky friends are assholes. I've still got some friends that I'd help out pretty much no questions asked (assuming I can help them out). Not sure if they'd all reciprocate that (actually one I learned long ago I can't count on even for something small, but luckily one of the other ones was more than willing to help out), but there's at least one that would and that's enough. True friends are very rare though, and you'll be lucky if you keep any after you get married and start having kids.

Some of my friends are starting to grow out of this (they're still almost alcoholics though, but functional) but for awhile it was like that. At first we'd do stuff while drinking and then after awhile I realized all we did was drink and sit around. I like to kick a few back every now and then, but I can't do that every night...it's to expensive and I can't take the punishment anymore. Plus, it is more or less a complete waste of your limited time.

 

[Zargon]

This. I would say I have 4-5 that I would call true friends. That is people who are always there for me when I need help, and I would help out whenever possible.

yeah, not everyone will come pick you up at a bar, in a thunderstorm, at 1am because you car got towed. or drive 4 hours each way to pick up a new vehicle with you, or come over early saturday am for some home construction fun

 

[SaDiZTiKStyLeZ]

I keep all my friends locked in cages in the basement. I love my friends. <3 They will never leave me.

 

[Numenorean]

My friends aren't. Sounds like yours are though.

 

[slackerinabox]

I'm a very specific person when it comes to who I will call a "friend". Having said that, most of my best friends are people I've known since I was about 12 or 13. We were best friends through Junior high, high school, college, and still make time to see each other now that we're all graduated and don't live quite so close. We're all 24-26 now, and we've just stuck together for so long. Of course we've all got other friends we've met along the way, but the core group of us have just stuck together and always gotten along so well. I feel very fortunate to have such awesome friends.

Most of us live within an hour or two of each other, and some out of state. But we still make time to get together as often as we can. Most of us are in long-term relationships, and a couple are even married (no kids yet), but any chance we have to get together and do something -- we do it. My girlfriend and I host a burger night once a month, where we invite them all up for a night, feed them burgers, beer, and whatever else. Spend the whole night laughing, and just enjoying each other's company.

Once a year we get the WHOLE group together, and go on a weekend-long camping trip. The out of state friends make the trip home, and we spend the weekend together. Grilling, tipping 'em back, and just shooting the shit. It's easy to stay in touch via SMS/Facebook/Email/Phone, so we all stay pretty well connected. And when we see each other, it doesn't matter how much time has passed. It's always just like old times.

Love those people. I'd do anything for them, and I know they'd do anything for me.

So no, friends are not useless. Perhaps you use the term 'friend' a bit too loosely.

I am completely envious - I don't have that with the people already in my circle. I honestly blame alcohol more than anything, socializing has become code for drinking. I'd love to have a small group of friends to go see movies with, have dinners with, etc. but that's not in the cards right now... This thread is helping me stay optimistic, I just need to go out there and meet new people with similar ambitions and responsibilities.

 

[slackerinabox]

OP, that's typical, and its because your interests are diverging from theirs.

I actually have kinda the same issue. Basically its like since about sophomore year of high school everything is focused around drinking, and its actually gotten worse as time has gone on. Hey, let's go fishing...to drink and sit around. Let's go out tonight (which is going somewhere to eat...and drink, possibly followed by going to a bar). Let's play cards...to sit around and drink. Let's go camping...to sit around and drink. Let's go on vacation...to sit around and drink somewhere else.

I don't mind taking it easy or having alcohol being involved, but its pretty much completely pervasive in everything. Its also annoying because the drinking really takes it out of people as they age, so they just want to sit around and do hardly anything until they pass out at like 10 or 11.

And they act like they're making big plans, but just ends up being going to one person's house and sitting around and drinking. Sometimes they get pissed if you decide to go do something else too like you ruined their plans. I remember one night we were going to go do a bunch of stuff, but someone had an issue or something (one of the guy's girlfriends got pissy about something which blew everything to hell), and ended up sitting around drinking watching a baseball game (the Royals too, so it was extra awful). I couldn't leave because I rode with one of the people. Oh, but boy did I ever witness a horribly exciting game of darts.

Its like they're just drinking until they inevitably get married and have kids. That seems to be what normal is though. Seems like a lot of people resign themselves to that situation, so when someone has a kid they start to distance themselves as they're still clinging to "independence".

Oh, and those flaky friends are assholes. I've still got some friends that I'd help out pretty much no questions asked (assuming I can help them out). Not sure if they'd all reciprocate that (actually one I learned long ago I can't count on even for something small, but luckily one of the other ones was more than willing to help out), but there's at least one that would and that's enough. True friends are very rare though, and you'll be lucky if you keep any after you get married and start having kids.

I was most popular when I used to wake up on a weekday with a hangover, now that's the most depressing thing I can imagine. I'm glad to read your post because I feel like I'm in the twilight zone, seeing facebook updates of people with gray hair doing shots as if that's the ultimate in cool while I scratch my head and think "if they spent less on drinking then they could buy property and stop bitching about having to move since their landlord raises the rent $400 every year!" It's like I'm yearning for permanence and sanity while they still seek out chaos.

 

[nanette1985]

Friends come in all kinds. You go through a lot of different phases of life. Friendships don't stay the same. Some people disappear. Some drift away for a while and then reappear when they hit a similar life experience. You get new friends for all sorts of reasons. Your friends change for all sorts of reasons - you get divorced, arrested or go bankrupt or have a sick kid and you discover who your true friends are - and it will probably surprise you who they turn out to be.

Life's full of changes. Have fun.

 

[mi xiao]

Here is a hint:

If they are treating you like this; they were never really your true friends at all.

qft.

however, it has nothing to do with growing up, getting married, or having a kid.
they are using you and taking advantage.

find people who will help when you need it.

you will thank you and your wife will thank you.

 

[SamQuint]

Eventually you will start hanging out more with other parents. As soon as your kid is in school or playing soccer you will be exposed to other parents. Since your kids will get to know each other you will automatically have something in common.
This is also why people join clubs like the Elks. (your way too young for that now) They are a good way of meeting people and broadening your social network.
I went to a retirement seminar. One topic that came up was that people should be planning for (or invest in) a social group of friends when you retire. Not only will they keep you active but will be able to help "support" you as you get older.

 

[SlitheryDee]

I never ask my friends to do anything. If they volunteer that's one thing, but I generally don't do stuff I need help with or I somehow wrangle a way to do stuff I should need help with alone. I will help my friends if they ask, but I don't ever want to owe them shit.