Light travels faster than sound. How do I know this? Because people seem bright, until they open their mouths.
This is why people seem bright until they open their mouths.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how many nukes you use.
With opinions as good as mine, facts aren?t so necessary.
The next time you see someone with problems, you might try walking a mile in their shoes. That way, when you have to listen to their story, you'll be a mile away with their shoes.
If you need help, please don?t hesitate to ask someone else first.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
death (dëth) n. When sinning suddenly stops.
If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside down?
Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but its lightning kills hundreds each year who are trying to find it.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Sanity is the playground for the unimaginative.
Baseball wrong. Man with 4 balls cannot walk.
In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.
An amateur built the Ark; professionals built the Titanic.
If a synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity!
A smoker?s section in a restaurant is like a urinal in a swimming pool.
I don't have an attitude problem; you have a perception problem.
If it isn?t broke, break it!
You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends but you can't roll your friends into little green balls.
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
A computer is almost human - except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer.
Don?t piss me off; I?m running out of places to hide the bodies.
In God we trust ? others we target.
1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor.
They eat to grow, grow to die, die to be eaten at the hamburger fry. Cows well done.
Windows is a 32-bit patch to a 16-bit GUI for an 8-bit operating system written for a 4-bit processor by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1-bit of competition.
Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.
If you're one in a million, there are 1,200 of you in China.
A critic is somebody who knows the way but can?t drive the car.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
Anything I say can't, and will not be used against me in a court of law.
If you can remain calm when those around you panic, you don't have all the facts.
I stopped to think and forgot to start again.
My mouse is racist; it doesn?t like the black mouse pad.
Rehab is for quitters!
Faith ? not wanting to know what is true.
My son has taken up meditation ? at least it?s better than sitting doing nothing.
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn?t expect to be paid back.
Knowledge without wisdom is a load of books on the back of an ass.
Tug McGraw, major league pitcher, was asked whether he favors grass or Astroturf. His reply ? ?I don?t know. I?ve never smoked Astroturf.?
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Be nice to people on your way up because you?ll need them on your way down.
Give a skeptic an inch and he?ll measure it.
When there is a will ? there is an Inheritance Tax.
If it doesn?t say Binford on it ? somebody else made it!
If you run, you?ll only die tired.
To err is human, but to blame it on others is politics.
Diplomacy - the art of telling someone to go to hell and make them look forward to the trip!
Tact - the ability to tell someone to go to hell and make them feel happy to be on their way.
In the year 2020, as more and more people start having sex with robots it will become more and more embarrassing to buy a can of WD-40.
Argue with an idiot, and he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
It?s not rocket science, it?s just brain surgery!
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.
God bless America, but God help Canada put up with them!
The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
God pulled an all-nighter on the sixth day.
Everyone loves a moose. Some just don't know it.
If you can't laugh at yourself, laugh at others.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and say your mother.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together.
Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A good pun is its own reword.
When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing.
Why is ?abbreviation? such a long word?
Jesus is coming ? everybody look busy.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The reward for a job well done is more work.
Patience will come to he who waits for it.
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
When in doubt, give advice.
After all is said and done, usually more is said.
After something is made idiot-proof, somebody invents a greater idiot.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.
Eagles fly, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
Build a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. Set a man ON fire and he will be warm for life!