Dasm Nef Thread

[Fardringle]

SUBJ: Dilbert is a Documentary

The following excerpts are taken from <http://www.myboss.com/>, a site that site allows contributions of real-life work-related experiences ...


New company policy: You cannot work at a job that is rated higher than your current competency level. You cannot be rated at a higher competency level until you have worked at a job rated at that level. You can not improve your competency level through training.
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&quot;We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.&quot;
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A group of us got together concerning the lack of merit increases this year (even though management got theirs). We made up a bumper sticker and stuck it on the Boss's new Lexus. It reads, &quot;How's my managing? Call 1-800-NO-CLUE!&quot;
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We recently received a memo from senior management saying: &quot;This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above&quot;
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One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said &quot;If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!&quot;
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I worked for a Boss who sent a memo to his assistant to investigate the possibility of canceling the fire insurance and buying a used fire truck for the employees to man.
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To my previous Boss of 3 painful years: I worship the ground that awaits you.
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My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
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Quote from a recent interview: &quot;You are a top flight candidate and I see that you have a lot of education. However, you understand, that intelligence is not really required for this job.&quot;
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My Boss is a lot like a single sperm: there is a one-in-three-million chance that he will ever become human!
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Quote from the Boss: &quot;Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say.&quot;
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How About Friday: My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, &quot;That would be better for me.&quot;
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Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the &quot;pedagogical approach&quot; used by one of the training manuals.

The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch.

When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for &quot;perverts&quot; working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired -- and the word &quot;pedagogical&quot; circled in red.

The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it.

Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out -- directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.

A month later I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
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Stick With Me: Our consulting group received a new manager. She recently had received control over another business line as well, which gave her a sense of power and grandeur. In the very first meeting with her she told the group &quot;Stick with me! I am building an empire at this company, and I am going to need little people like you to be Kings and Queens!&quot;

 

[Fardringle]

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate &quot;Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.&quot;

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
--Age 10

When I go to heaven, I want to see my Grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
--Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said &quot;Vrrrrmmmmm.&quot; Unless it was just a lawn mower.
--Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.
--Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
--Age 14

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
--Age 15

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
--Age 8

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
--Age 7

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.
--Age 10

Home is where the house is.
--Age 6

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
--Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
--Age 5

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
--Age 13

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
--Age 13

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
--Age 6

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!
--Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe &quot;Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?&quot; or &quot;Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?&quot;
--Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?
--Age 15

 

[Fardringle]

The following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins!

1. Don't let worry kill you; let the church help.
2. Thursday night; Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing &quot;Put me in my little bed&quot; accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All ladies wishing to be &quot;Little Mothers&quot; will meet with the Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with &quot;Little Drops of Water.&quot; One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be &quot;What is Hell?&quot; Come early and listen to our choir practice.

 

[Fardringle]

A Woman?s 50 Rules For Men

1. Call.
2. Don?t lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together
4. If guy?s night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guy?s night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to ?Do I look fat?? is never ?Yes.?
7. Ditto for ?Is she prettier than me??
8. Victoria?s Secret is good. Frederick?s of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. ?Honey,? ?Darling,? and ?Sweetheart? are good. ?Nag,? ?Lardbutt,? and ?Wench? are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn?t an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dish soap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering ?Who was that on the phone?? with ?Nobody? is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for ?Whose lipstick is this??
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you?re probably not more attractive when you?re drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You?re wrong.
26. You?re sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. ?Will you marry me?? is good. ?Let?s shack up together? is bad.
31. Don?t assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don?t assume PMS doesn?t exist.
33. No means no. Yes means yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. ?But, we kiss...? is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don?t clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 PM.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive
37. Pick her up at the airport. ** Don?t whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don?t act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don?t tell her you love her if you don?t.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine?s Day, and any cheesy ?Anniversary? she so names.
45. Don?t try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don?t let your friends pick on her.
48. Call when you say you will.
49. Don?t lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your butt smoking cigars isn?t fair either, and it balances everything.
**Addendum to #37: Be waiting at the gate. NOT baggage claim.

 

[Fardringle]

46 Signs You Have A Drinking Problem

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
3. Classes start interfering with your drinking.
4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5. Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. You sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8. That damned pink elephant followed you home again.
9. You believe &quot;Two hands and just one mouth... That's a drinking problem.&quot;
10. When you enter a party people shout, &quot;Norm!&quot;
11. You can focus better with one eye closed.
12. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
13. Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14. Beer, Beer, Beer... is all you can say after the 12th one.
15. If you keep asking your wife, &quot;Where are the kids?&quot;, but you don't really have a wife. She's actually your couch.
16. You fall off the floor...
17. You discover in the morning that your liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared.
18. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
19. You had your &quot;Spuds McKenzie&quot; tattoo removed, and replaced it with &quot;Red Dog.&quot;
20. 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, so you skip dinner.
21. Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
22. The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23. Rush Limbaugh starts to make sense.
24. When you go to donate blood they ask what proof it is.
25. Mosquitoes and vampires catch a buzz after biting you.
26. You believe your only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
27. At AA meeting you begin: &quot;Hi, my name is... uh...&quot;
28. Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
29. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
30. Having a hard time staying on the side walk because you walk in the pattern: Left, right, stumble, fall.
31. You wake up in the bedroom, but your underwear is in the bathroom and you fell asleep clothed.
32. When you tell people, &quot;I'm not under the affluence of incohol.&quot;
33. You wake up with a traffic cone between your legs.
34. When you tell people, &quot;I'm not drunk... You're just sober.&quot;
35. Even rednecks stop telling jokes about your drinking.
36. You find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
37. When the bar owner actually carved your name onto your own barstool.
38. Roseanne looks good.
39. You don't recognize your wife unless seen through bottom of a glass.
40. You like the Barney socks you're wearing.
41. Job is interfering with your drinking.
42. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
43. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
44. I'm as jober as a sudge.
45. You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
46. The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.

 

[Fardringle]

101 things NOT to say during sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah..today.
12. (In the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think-I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (Preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow?
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance?
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people?
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs; it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. (censored)
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic-don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen &quot;Fatal Attraction&quot;?
83. Sorry about the nametags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me?I always file my nails in bed.
85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for &quot;The Enquirer&quot;.
93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be &quot;almost there&quot;?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

 

[Fardringle]

Jesus is Watching?

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: &quot;Jesus is watching you!&quot;

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

&quot;Jesus is watching you,&quot; the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: &quot;Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?&quot;

&quot;Yes&quot;, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: &quot;What's your name?&quot;

&quot;Clarence,&quot; said the bird.

&quot;That's a dumb name for a parrot,&quot; sneered the burglar. &quot;What idiot named you Clarence?&quot;

The parrot said, &quot;The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.&quot;

 

[Fardringle]

HONK IF YOU LOVE THE LORD

The other day, I went to the local religious bookstore, where I saw a &quot;HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS&quot; bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back of my car, and I'm really glad I did, What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked!

I found lots of people who loved Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord because, pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled&quot; JESUS CHRIST! as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting &quot;GO, JESUS CHRIST, GO!&quot;

Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a &quot;sunny beach&quot; and saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian Good Luck sign so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well but it sounded like, &quot;MOVE YOU TRUCKER&quot;. Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow, and I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there, I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

 

[GT1999]

Fardringle I love the quotes in your sig. LMAO

 

[Fardringle]

&quot;Genetic Fitness in M &amp; Ms: A Test of Darwinian Evolutionary Mechanisms in a Non-Biological Entity&quot;?

Whenever I get a package of plain M&amp;Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&amp;M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the &quot;loser,&quot; and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&amp;Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&amp;Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&amp;M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&amp;M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, &quot;Please use this M&amp;M for breeding purposes.&quot; This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&amp;Ms. I consider this &quot;grant money.&quot; I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.

 

[Fardringle]

Funny Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says...
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers...
Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted...
Drunk gets nine months in violin case...
Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents...
Farmer Bill dies in house...
Iraqi head seeks arms...
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Stud tires out...
Prostitutes appeal to Pope...
Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over...
British left waffles on Falkland Islands...
Eye drops off shelf...
Teacher strikes idle kids...
Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead...
Squad helps dog bite victim...
Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66...
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax...
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told...
Miners refuse to work after death (West Virginia paper...?)
Juvenile court to try shooting defendant...
Stolen painting found by tree...
Two Soviet ships collide, one dies...
2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter...
Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years...
Never withhold herpes infection from loved one...
Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84...
War dims hope for peace...
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while...
Cold wave linked to temperatures...
Enfields couple slain; Police suspect homicide...

 

[Fardringle]

DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK


If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Everything can be filed under ?miscellaneous.?

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human; to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn?t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, ?How would the Lone Ranger handle this??

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.

 

[Fardringle]

Fun with Ebonics

A friend of mine has an 18-year-old son named Leroy. He attends Oakland High School where they teach Ebonics as a second language. Last week he was given an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence. This is what Leroy did:

1. Rectum: I had two Cadillacs, but my Old Lady rectum both.

2. Hotel: I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the hotel everybody.

3. Odyssey: I told my Bro, you odyssey the jugs on dis ho!

4. Stain: My Mother-in-law axed if I was stain for dinner again.

5. Seldom: My cousin give me two tickets to da Knicks game, so I seldom.

6. Penis: I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said ?penis.?

7. Catacomb: Don King was at de fight de udder night. Man, somebody give dat catacomb!

8. Foreclose: If I pay alimony this month, I?ll have no money foreclose.

9. Undermine: Dere?s a fine lookin? hoe livin? in da apartment undermine.

10. Tripoli: I was gonna buy my old lady a bra, but I couldn?t find no tripoli.

12. Disappointment: My parole officer tol? me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the big house.

13. Income: I jus? got in bed wit? de hoe and income de wife.

14. Honor: At de rape trial, de judge axed my buddy, ?Who B honor first??

15. Fortify: I axed da ho how much, and she say, ?Fortify.?

16. Israel: Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex. I said, ?Man, dat looks fake.? He said, No, israel.?

17. Department: Yo Honor, I swear da door B open. I din?t break into department where de fine hoe be livin?.


Question: Why were there only 49 contestants for the &quot;Miss Ebonics U.S.A.&quot;
Pageant?

Answer: No contestant wanted to wear a banner that said, &quot;Idaho&quot;!

 

[Fardringle]

HERE?S YOUR SIGN.....

This list is circulating among Forest Service employees. These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

&quot;A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.&quot;

&quot;Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.&quot;

&quot;Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.&quot;

&quot;Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.&quot;

&quot;Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.&quot;

&quot;All the mile markers are missing this year.&quot;

&quot;Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.&quot;

&quot;Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.&quot;

&quot;Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.&quot;

&quot;Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.&quot;

&quot;Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.&quot;

&quot;The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate
these annoying animals.&quot;

&quot;Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.&quot;

&quot;Need more signs to keep area pristine.&quot;

&quot;A McDonald's would be nice at the trail head.&quot;

&quot;The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.&quot;

&quot;Too many rocks in the mountains.&quot;

 

[Fardringle]

PRISON vs. A FULL-TIME JOB

In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you're just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you can't even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are sadistic wardens. At work, we have managers.

 

[Fardringle]

The British Military writes Officer Fitness Reports. The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's &quot;206's&quot;....

-His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

-I would not breed from this Officer.

-This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

-When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

-He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

-He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

-Technically sound, but socially impossible.

-This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

-This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

-When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

-This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

-Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

-She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

-He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

-This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

-In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

-The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

-Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

-This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

-Only occasionally wets himself under pressure

 

[Fardringle]

NEW ELEMENTS ON THE PERIODIC TABLE

Element: WOMAN
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stone. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dissipation of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

--------------------------------------------------------

Element: MAN
Symbol: Xy
Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#&amp;*!
Atomic Weight: 180+/-100
Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on demand.
Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

 

[Fardringle]

Murphy's Technology Laws

1. You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
2. Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
3. Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
4. Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
5. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
6. The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
7. The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
8. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
9. Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
10. All great discoveries are made by mistake.
11. Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
12. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
13. All's well that ends.
14. A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
15. The first myth of management is that it exists.
16. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
17. New systems generate new problems.
18. To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
19. We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
20. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
21. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
22. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years can make.
23. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
24. Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
25. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
26. To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
27. After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.
28. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
29. A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
30. If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
31. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
32. Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a &quot;Pearl Harbor File.&quot;
33. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it darn well pleases.
34. If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
35. The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
36. In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
37. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
38. All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
39. The only perfect science is hind-sight.
40. Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
41. If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
42. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
43. When all else fails, read the instructions.
44. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
45. Everything that goes up must come down.
46. Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
47. Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
48. Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
49. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it probably needed to be replaced anyway.
50. The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

 

[Fardringle]

You'll recall a Darwin award from not too long ago where a guy decided to strap a cargo plane rocket booster to his car to see how fast it would go, and ended up hitting a cliff several hundred feet in the air. Here's a couple more. These stories are clipped from the recent Darwin awards, which people get for doing something incredibly stupid. True stories.

This year's runner-up (The Wyle E. Coyote Honorable Mention):

An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claim. This was the response.

I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. I am an amateur radio operator, and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items using a pulley. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools into a small barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block 11 of the accident report that I weigh 155 pounds...

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. I regained my presence of mind, and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools, so only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watch the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind, and let go of the rope . . .


Here's the winner:

Larry Walters is among the relatively few who have actually turned their dreams into reality. His story is true, as hard as you may find it to believe . . .

Larry was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. So when he finally left the service, he had to satisfy himself with watching others fly the fighter jets that crisscrossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying. Then one day, Larry had an idea.

He went down to the local Army-Navy surplus store and bought forty-five weather balloons, and several tanks of helium. Now, weather balloons are not your typical, brightly colored party balloons, these were heavy-duty spheres measuring more than four feet across when fully inflated. Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the balloons to his lawn chair, the kind you might have in your own back yard. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep, and inflated the balloons with helium. Then he packed a few sandwiches and drinks, and a loaded BB gun, figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to return to earth.

His preparations complete, Larry sat in his chair and cut the anchoring cord. His plan was to lazily float into the sky, and eventually back down to terra firma. But things didn't quite work out that way. When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up; he shot up as if fired from a cannon! Nor did he go up a couple hundred feet. He climbed and climbed until he finally leveled off at eleven thousand feet! At that height, he could hardly risk deflating any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really experience flying. So he stayed up there, sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss about how to get down.

Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los Angeles International Airport. An airline pilot radioed the tower about passing a guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet, with a gun in his lap... (Now there's a conversation I would have given anything to hear!) LAX is right on the ocean, and you may know that at nightfall, the winds on the coast begin to change. So, as dusk fell, Larry began drifting out to sea. At that point, the Navy dispatched a helicopter to rescue him, but the rescue team had a hard time getting to him because the draft from their propeller kept pushing his homemade contraption farther and farther away. Eventually, they were able to hover above him and drop a rescue line, with which they gradually hauled him back to safety.

As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was arrested. But as he was led away in handcuffs, a television reported called out, &quot;Sir, why'd you do it?&quot; Larry stopped, eyed the man, and then replied nonchalantly, &quot;A man can't just sit around!&quot;

 

[Fardringle]

OK, I think that's enough...for now...

 

[DanC]

What a bunch of dasm Nefs!

 

[Splork]

Narf! Do'h! I mean Nef!

-sp

 

[Adul]

nef nef nef

 

[Adul]

nef nef nef

 

[Adul]

nef nef nef