Extremely depressed...

[idNut]

Lately I have just hated life. I have to go back to school tomorrow and I find absolutely no pleasure there. I'm failing chemistry, I hate my teachers and I'll probably be sent down the stupid guidance counselor for this paper. Here is the essay I have to do on the movie "It's a wonderful life" and how the world would be different if I never existed. I believe a lot of this animosity has been formulated from school.

How would the world be different if I had never been born? Well my shockwave is felt only within a small vicinity, and if lucky, it alleviates the family. I am not terribly important to anyone or anything and for the record, that is not pity that speaks but rather true and utter reason. Surely I have affected the people around me and vis-à-vis but would this world really miss me if it had never known I?d existed? If I never knew I existed?

We are meaningless, face the unbearable fact. Though we would like to think we do hold meaning, we simply don?t and won?t ever. We continually reject the idea to spare a glimpse in that direction of truth; the corner which shows us that we are nothing and insignificant. Ecclesiastes has unveiled this to us also about life and its vanity. In space and eternity, what meaning can exist? When eternity is forever, what can we be late for, early for? Things must be measured in finitude to hold any true value to us. We all must find some sort of meaning in our life or we?ll be dabbling in the mouth of madness. If we must lie to ourselves to believe that we have meaning to live through this life then so be it because a mind with a nihilistic view is surely aimed downward.

?Be positive? How could I possibly be positive on such a vast topic as existence that involves so many ranges of emotion that least favors levity? I have nothing to be positive about. Thankful for my existence would be blasphemy to my philosophies. Allow someone to take my place whom does not muster up such thoughts as I and who can live happily without wondering what he or she is within. I have stirred up something in my mind that will not be calmed. My soul aches from these facts and cannot be lead into anything that will send me astray of them.

Religion plays its part by giving us false hopes, giving us something to believe in, anything than having to look into that dark corner in which I lye prone. I?m not going to turn this into an ontological argument so I?ll leave the deity intact and for you to wonder. It?s just religion seems to be so farfetched yet so is this charade we call life. I won?t call myself a heathen or an atheist but rather an optimistic agnostic and someone who wishes that Christianity was true. Although there is too much proof of something of higher power than us that can create time, feeling, and substance to be ignored, total proof a god would then defeat the purpose of faith so some doubt must exist. Do you really think in the beginning there was nothing which exploded?

So I continue to wonder, trying to make sense of this enigma we call life; wailing to find some sense of sanity in the sinew of it all. Is this hell? Have these thoughts driven me into complete lunacy? Am I not ?normal? because of these thoughts of futility? I am hopeless about the future and regretful of the past but does that make me unfit for society? Just because of my creed it does not indicate whatsoever that I will take any measures to harm anyone or thing. No matter how much I loathe life, I still find something precious within it that I would defend with my own to save. Even though I live in misery there are others who don?t and what right do I have to take it from them?

Why am I like this? It is not because of happiness or misery; that trite circular set of emotion I have now surpassed. It is the general detestation of life itself that has sent me into this frenzy of sentiment. These thoughts are told only because my insanity will not allow me to keep them under lock and key. But now I am afraid that allowing these thoughts to be heard measures will be taken to try and cure my forever disease with trivial, careless doctors that I have seen a thousand times and fed them the same story then taken the same medication all for nothing. Perhaps this is just an eternal pity party at my residence to draw attention. Perhaps this ardor is for real; the beauty I could never describe. Listen to the silence.

Sometimes I wish I never did question reality, the world; it has disrupted my terribly vapid life. But when my redemption is at hand, what will it accomplish? Continue my postponed life of conformity and sin? With this depression I have taken off the blindfold which was a tourniquet to my real mind. Blind I saw the seen and reality as it is with a clear conscience and an unquestioning soul. When the blindfold was removed, I no longer saw the seen but rather the unseen and my soul was anxious for answers that this world could not supply.

I am lost, so lost in my mind that I cannot understand how reality still remains primary. In my cell, black and blue and shrouded in shadow, there is no hope, no crave, not anything but indifference. There is nothing to look forward to, look backward at. Memories that are in vain, empty love, superficial desires: just this zero that I live within. But after all I have said, after all that I have done, after all the brooding thoughts and possible hypothesis? that could be dreamed, after all the pain and suffering from the knowledge my mind has laid upon me, my catharsis does not escape me. From this telling only one axiom can escape me that will perfectly portray the loss of humanity in me: ?nothing?s essential.?

?Existence well what does it matter?
I exist on the best terms I can
The past is now part of my future
The present is well out of hand
Heart and soul, one will burn?
-Heart and soul,
Joy Division

 

[edro]

Speechless.

I think you have a point to life now. Writing.

I have almost all the same thoughts you speak of, but right when I feel that all hope of me understanding the universe and why "we are here" is gone, I descend back to my everyday life and say to my self "just go on". There has to be something better that will happen on down the road.

What if the whole world is pointless? What if there is no God? Should we all just be Hedonists and live like animals, responding only to our id? If so, why does one feel bad when they hurt another person or do something morally wrong? I will tell you why. Because there is a God. It may not be Jesus Christ, Buddha, Allah, or God..... but there is definately a higher power out there that gave you a mind.

I have no idea what the point of life is, but I think one of the things that keeps me going is trying to find out.

On a personal note to you, if suicide ever comes to mind (I hope it doesn't to you because you seem far too intelligent for that), just talk to someone. Try not to talk to councellors or parents. You need to talk to people who have went through the same feelings you have. (like myself) And what better a place to talk about your feelings than ATOT?

 

[BMdoobieW]

I failed chemistry in college (got a 'D'). My first semester. Without that class I would have had around a 3.9 GPA and made Dean's list. But it was ok. Because I was allowed to get one 'D' and not have to repeat the class.......of course, later, I got a 'D' in a math class and had to repeat that.......but my point is that it all turned out ok because I just graduated from college two weeks ago. So like drop chemistry, move to Nepal, and study yodeling. Or don't.

 

[edro]

He is in High School. High School grades do not mean anything. If you get a D or even fail it, it will not mean anything in the long run.... whatever path you choose.

 

[Kev]

1) You overthink and overanalyze your life way too much.

2) Give the thesaurus a rest

 

[idNut]

Everyone thinks I use the thesaurus, rarely do I.

 

[TallBill]

eh, who isnt at one point or another. things turn around, but only if you help them. i've lucked out and have been on a very good streak over the last year, even with the failing of a class or two life goes on. just pick up the pieces and make the best of them

 

[Kev]

Originally posted by: idNut
Everyone thinks I use the thesaurus, rarely do I.

well then u are teh smrt

 

[idNut]

My nickname is Mr. Lexicon, I use these words not because they are uncommon but because they describe the sentiment much more specific. You may be right on one thing, perhaps I am too selfish and only concerned with myself but how could I possibly love someone else when I can't even love myself? I don't know, I'm tired of pity, tired of failure, tired of happiness and misery, I'm praying for the end.

 

[TallBill]

but when it all comes down to it, does any of that sh1t really matter? Just have a fvcking good time, and do what you need to do.

 

[Kadarin]

To vomit up a stomachful of half-digested negativity and use that as the palette from which to paint your rather eloquent essay is indeed more or less a guarantee of an involuntary visit to a counselor, but philosophical meanderings aside, why do you feel this way? Engaging in the intellectual quest for profound meaning to your existence is a self-defeating task, given that at present there is no knowable answer other than "there just isn't any"; one must look elsewhere for enlightenment. You may not be here to fulfill a grand purpose, and you are almost certainly not here to jump through hoops like some circus animal only to be later judged on your performance to determine the nature of your "afterlife". You are simply here, like it or not, along with others both like and unlike you, and the only thing you can do if you wish to retain your center of awareness is to make the best of it. So take pleasure in the little things that make you happy, and be considerate of those others you come into contact with who are in the same boat.

 

[JimmyEatWorld]

I like it, need to fix some gramatical errors, remove some contractions, and rework a few sentences so that the level of complexity and elegance you are shooting for will sound smoother, and hence less theatening to the audience you are primarily trying to speak to.

I agree with almost everything your saying. Enjoy everything you do, and try and do everything you can. Travel, enjoy the culture of the world, its food, its customs, its ideologies, its social morees. Study hard in school, because this will give you the chance to pursue these endeavors. You will end up enjoying life more than even the most religious, or socially revered person on Earth. You enjoy hot and cold weather, have listened to all of the worlds music, dabbled in classics, etc. Be a humanitarian in the true sense of the word, a classical "Renaissance man" sense. Try to consume as much of life as you can. Make alot of money, but spend it thoughtfully. Don't give up your values, or let other people tell you how to experience and enjoy life, but just remember, your values don't necessarily have to come in conflict with theirs.

 

[idNut]

Originally posted by: Astaroth33
To vomit up a stomachful of half-digested negativity and use that as the palette from which to paint your rather eloquent essay is indeed more or less a guarantee of an involuntary visit to a counselor, but philosophical meanderings aside, why do you feel this way? Engaging in the intellectual quest for profound meaning to your existence is a self-defeating task, given that at present there is no knowable answer other than "there just isn't any"; one must look elsewhere for enlightenment. You may not be here to fulfill a grand purpose, and you are almost certainly not here to jump through hoops like some circus animal only to be later judged on your performance to determine the nature of your "afterlife". You are simply here, like it or not, along with others both like and unlike you, and the only thing you can do if you wish to retain your center of awareness is to make the best of it. So take pleasure in the little things that make you happy, and be considerate of those others you come into contact with who are in the same boat.

Impressive insight, my psychologist couldn't reach a depth of that magnitude. That is what my dad said about that paper; it's just vomit. The main point is that I just don't think I want to be around anymore and it truly is only a matter of time before I do something about that. Why I'm telling you this is probably just my apathy of holding things in anymore. "Just old humanity, ready to tear the world down on its head"

 

[LAUST]

With age, the death and birth of others around you and thinking of times and places in the past, you will start to see if you did not exist how great the impact would be.

You will effect the time and place other people are at all the time, it could mean things from one of your friends finding the woman they fall in love with and merry because he was brave enough to talk to her with you pressing on him to do it, or them getting a job because you knew someone who was really good at doing something, it can be holding your mom up at a grocery store trying to decide what cerial you want for breakfast and in that time if she was alone and got in the car and drove off there was someone that ran a red light and would have killed her....

you have a paper with ENDLESS possibilites to it, but that might be a good thing if they want something long and creative

 

[idNut]

Originally posted by: JimmyEatWorld
I like it, need to fix some gramatical errors, remove some contractions, and rework a few sentences so that the level of complexity and elegance you are shooting for will sound smoother, and hence less theatening to the audience you are primarily trying to speak to.

I'll just burn it, no one really likes my writing anyway, seriously. I've lost so many friends because of it.

 

[deerslayer]

Too many big words...makes me feel stupid.

 

[DigDug]

I think one way to quell your yearning to meet your master is to stop with the melodrama. Your post reeks of affected language, and you seem to enjoy attempting to write in some quasi-Shakespearean prose. The power of your point isn't made greater by a thesaurus, and your pain is no more justified or legitimized by an over-intellectualized treatment of the problem.
If you are in pain just say so.

 

[idNut]

Originally posted by: BlipBlop
I think one way to quell your yearning to meet your master is to stop with the melodrama. Your post reeks of affected language, and you seem to enjoy attempting to write in some quasi-Shakespearean prose. The power of your point isn't made greater by a thesaurus, and your pain is no more justified or legitimized by an over-intellectualized treatment of the problem.
If you are in pain just say so.

OKAY. I feel like fvcking dog sh1t! You happy? So you're saying that the only way you can write is dull? That the only good writers are dead or already famous and that any room for new writers would simply be out of the question? I agree, I hate my writing, it's so pitiful and conceited that it makes me sick. I wish I did have some true talent in writing but that wouldn't be fair. Hell, I can't do anything I want. I've tried everything and failed continously. I tried to program--fail, I tried to draw--fail, I tried to learn Maya and Photoshop 7--fail, maybe I should try suicide because it's the only fvcking option anymore, knowing my luck I'll fail at that too! I've tried and tried and kept trying and yet I keep failing.

 

[thirtythree]

I actually didn't mean to reply to this thread but since I did ..

I think that was very well written as well. Err, that's all.

 

[JimmyEatWorld]

Originally posted by: idNut

Originally posted by: JimmyEatWorld
I like it, need to fix some gramatical errors, remove some contractions, and rework a few sentences so that the level of complexity and elegance you are shooting for will sound smoother, and hence less theatening to the audience you are primarily trying to speak to.

I'll just burn it, no one really likes my writing anyway, seriously. I've lost so many friends because of it.

Then why did you show it to them?
see the conflict you cause yourself?
Don't show people your writing, allow them to see it. Write a book, make money while you do it.

btw, if that fails, I heard crying helps

 

[DigDug]

OKAY. I feel like fvcking dog sh1t! You happy?

Not happy, but at least I believe you now. Why do you waste your time with the Homerian epic stuff? Why are you trying to be the next Nabakov? You are at that stage where you know some vocabulary yet lack a style with which to write. Your use of those words (and I KNOW you made conscious effort to sound like you did) was very contrived. That's all I was referring to.

 

[TallBill]

just remember, your are a unique individual.. just like everyone else on the planet

You feel like dogshit? Cry me a river. Jews locked up in ghettos of Germany felt like dog-shit. Soldiers in veitnam felt like dog-shit. Earthquake victims in California felt like dogshit. The man driving with his family that was hit by a drunk driver and lost his entire family felt like dog-shit. Stop beating yourself up and grow some cajones.

 

[JimmyEatWorld]

Originally posted by: TallBill
just remember, your are a unique individual.. just like everyone else on the planet

You feel like dogshit? Cry me a river. Jews locked up in ghettos of Germany felt like dog-shit. Soldiers in veitnam felt like dog-shit. Earthquake victims in California felt like dogshit. The man driving with his family that was hit by a drunk driver and lost his entire family felt like dog-shit. Stop beating yourself up and grow some cajones.

Everythings relative, captain antagonism. Sure he should stop crying about it, but citing other instances where people have been sad is a terrible reason to.

 

[TallBill]

Why? Why is it a bad reason? Do you feel guilty when you feel glad that you werrent the victim of a horrible accident or crime? Its not like i choose who gets wronged. Whos able to eat. Who has a home.

 

[JimmyEatWorld]

Originally posted by: TallBill
Why? Why is it a bad reason? Do you feel guilty when you feel glad that you werrent the victim of a horrible accident or crime? Its not like i choose who gets wronged. Whos able to eat. Who has a home.

Your "gladness" doesn't have to be derived from guilt, at least mine doesn't.