How do you feel about?

[jdub1107]

Everything you listed seems like a really bad combination, especially LD relationship + trust issues. My ex and I were in the same situation you mentioned (we only lived about 2hrs apart though). She liked to be with other guys and seek acceptance and always wanted to party/club with them. Ended up cheating on me. I would suggest putting boundaries for him/her, but that just may make the other person blame you for their unhappiness. Didn't work for me, maybe it will for you? I don't know how someone can just begin to trust someone though. Seems like something you should just let go. I'm sure there's someone else out there for you that's looking for the same thing.

 

[Bryophyte]

Originally posted by: YJK76
Would you limit your S.O.?s going out? Curfew? Filter out some of the opposite sex friends he/she might have when most of his/her friends are of the opposite sex?
When is it compromising for the sake of the relationship and when is it overly controlling?

It is NEVER acceptible for you to dictate to your partner where he or she can go, for how long, and with whom. You are not the parent, you are the partner. If you have issues of trust or betrayal, work them out as adults or part ways. If someone would give you the power to give them a curfew or to choose their friends, then he or she is a worthless doormat. Break up and spend some time alone while you grow the hell up.

 

[StageLeft]

Originally posted by: Bryophyte

Originally posted by: YJK76
Would you limit your S.O.?s going out? Curfew? Filter out some of the opposite sex friends he/she might have when most of his/her friends are of the opposite sex?
When is it compromising for the sake of the relationship and when is it overly controlling?

It is NEVER acceptible for you to dictate to your partner where he or she can go, for how long, and with whom. You are not the parent, you are the partner. If you have issues of trust or betrayal, work them out as adults or part ways. If someone would give you the power to give them a curfew or to choose their friends, then he or she is a worthless doormat. Break up and spend some time alone while you grow the hell up.

Absolutely correct. If I had a curfew with my SO i'd break it just to piss them off.

 

[JulesMaximus]

Dump him/her.

Edit-My wife wouldn't go out clubbing with guys. She might go out with her girlfriends once in a great great while but I'm fine with that.

 

[JulesMaximus]

Originally posted by: Bryophyte

Originally posted by: YJK76
Would you limit your S.O.?s going out? Curfew? Filter out some of the opposite sex friends he/she might have when most of his/her friends are of the opposite sex?
When is it compromising for the sake of the relationship and when is it overly controlling?

It is NEVER acceptible for you to dictate to your partner where he or she can go, for how long, and with whom. You are not the parent, you are the partner. If you have issues of trust or betrayal, work them out as adults or part ways. If someone would give you the power to give them a curfew or to choose their friends, then he or she is a worthless doormat. Break up and spend some time alone while you grow the hell up.

Along those same lines it is not appropriate for a spouse to continually hang around alone with members of the opposite sex.

 

[YJK76]

Most of you addressed this in regards to a gf being the attention seeker.

How would your responses change if it was a guy?

 

[JulesMaximus]

Originally posted by: YJK76
Most of you addressed this in regards to a gf being the attention seeker.

How would your responses change if it was a guy?

My response wouldn't change.

 

[Bryophyte]

Originally posted by: YJK76
Most of you addressed this in regards to a gf being the attention seeker.

How would your responses change if it was a guy?

No change whatsoever. It sounds like both you and your boyfriend are not mature enough to be in a committed relationship. You seem to feel that it's ok to dictate how he behaves (it's not) and he seems to think it's ok to agree to a committed relationship while continuing to behave like he is in an open relationship (that's not ok either.) You need to come to an understanding about what each of you wants from the relationship because obviously you are not on the same wavelength. His behavior is a "deal breaker" for you because you want to have a monogamous relationship and he does not. Until you both want the same thing from your relationship, it just isn't going to work out. Demanding he behave differently will ALWAYS backfire on you because he does not WANT to.

 

[ace up my sleeve]

Trust you S.O. until there is a reason not to...then dump him/her.

 

[LeonarD26]

go bang someone else..... it'll make you feel beter.... no really, it will.

 

[Bryophyte]

To address your personal problem ("you yourself have a trust issue stemmed from past experiences (meaning you have a difficulty fully trusting people)?"), why are you not seeking help with that problem instead of laying it on him to deal with? How fair is that, for him to have to pay for the mistakes of someone you used to date? I think you need to seriously consider staying away from serious relationships until you work out your issues by yourself. It's not fair to punish someone for the mistakes of others.

 

[Cable God]

Originally posted by: Crazyfool
If they are wanting to go out and get drunk/party with members of the opposite sex until the wee hours don't be surprised when they "get drunk and accidentally fvck someone else".

If they were committed to the relationship they wouldn't play those dangerous games.

That's my 2 cents.

WINNAR!

 

[Toasthead]

I would be fine with it, because if shes gonna be a chaeting wh0re I want to find out as soon as possible so I can kick her to the curb and find another.

 

[ggnl]

Originally posted by: Cable God

Originally posted by: Crazyfool
If they are wanting to go out and get drunk/party with members of the opposite sex until the wee hours don't be surprised when they "get drunk and accidentally fvck someone else".

If they were committed to the relationship they wouldn't play those dangerous games.

That's my 2 cents.

WINNAR!

Bullshit.

If the relationship is serious, you should know the other person well enough to know they won't do it. If you have to worry about it you probably shouldn't be dating them unless it isn't serious.

 

Originally posted by: YJK76
How do you feel about?

Your S.O. partying/clubbing/hanging out until really late (2-5 AM)

1. Without you?
2. Without you when it?s a LD relationship where there?s a heavier strain (?) on trust?
3. With mostly friends of the opposite sex (your S.O. has mostly friends of the opposite sex)?
4. With mostly friends of the opposite sex when he/she admitted to you that he/she has a tendency to seek attention/acceptance from the opposite sex?
5. With mostly friends of the opposite sex when he/she admitted to you that he/she has a tendency to seek attention/acceptance from the opposite sex and it was discussed between you two that you yourself have a trust issue stemmed from past experiences (meaning you have a difficulty fully trusting people)?

How would you approach these issues?
What would you do?
Would you limit your S.O.?s going out? Curfew? Filter out some of the opposite sex friends he/she might have when most of his/her friends are of the opposite sex?
When is it compromising for the sake of the relationship and when is it overly controlling?

I wouldn't put up with that crap. But if did decide to put up with that nonsense, I would shut up instead of complaining.

That being said, I would try to reason with my SO first. If we both agree that it is fundamentally wrong, then we'll wait and see if he does it again. That's it if he does it again. I really don't believe in trying to change someone. If he wants to do something, he will. If he doesn't want to, he won't. He makes his choices.

If it's a long distance relationship as it appears it is in this case, I would say good-bye. The person by his/her actions wants to be free anyway. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but let's be realistic ... is it really worth fighting if someone is so far away and the situation won't be changing anytime soon? The person's already showed her nature and admitted it. Why stress her and yourself? Either put up with it and don't complain; or just let her go. She would still behave this way even if you two were at the same region. There are some long distance relationships worth fighting for, but both parties have to be committed and willing participants with a long established "close" relationship.

 

[VirtualLarry]

Originally posted by: seanws
its called trust, look into it.

i say let her go

^^^ he is correct.

I speak from fairly painful personal experience in this area, and especially because the OP mentioned that this is an "LD relationship"... give it up. Don't try to be "exclusive", don't try to exert or assert control over her, they are obviously just going to do what they want to do, and aren't ready to "settle down", even as much as having a exclusive dating relationship. If you try, all you will succeed in doing, is hurting yourself, most likely.
I'm guessing that you are both young, that's alright... I guess. Do what you feel is right - but do it because of what you feel in your heart, not because of some insecurities that have popped into your head.

 

[VirtualLarry]

Originally posted by: SampSon
BTW, you're in a long distance relationship and worrying about this stuff, she has already cheated on you, has been for some time, and will continue to.
You're blind, give up, find someone else.

^^^ Another good example of the painful truth learned by experience.

 

[Patt]

Trust issue == no relationship in my eyes. If I can't trust my SO then it is over.

 

[Gurck]

You're like a favorite arcade game... getting SO played

 

[maziwanka]

are you asian?

 

[ahurtt]

If your s.o. really cared about you and knew their habbits of staying out late and partying without you bothered you or was hurting you, they would stop. Time for you to move on I'd say. You're being cheated on most likely.

 

Originally posted by: YJK76
How would you approach these issues?
What would you do?
Would you limit your S.O.?s going out? Curfew? Filter out some of the opposite sex friends he/she might have when most of his/her friends are of the opposite sex?
When is it compromising for the sake of the relationship and when is it overly controlling?

How would I approach it? I wouldn't act all pissy the first time. I'll request we both sit down and talk. I would have a discussion, not a quarrel or scolding. Discussion means reasoning for why it is wrong or right. If we do not agree at the end, then it isn't going to work because, again, I'm not trying to stick around and hope that someone will change.

You also asked at what point it becomes controlling? Well, going past the obvious controlling behavior of physically barring her, I would say it becomes controlling when you are following her without her consent (you couldn't do that in this case); or when you know her position about the issue but choose to stay, keep complaining--and in your complaints are threats of any kind, including ultimatums.

 

[GasX]

When my wife goes out with her friends, she gets home VERY late.

whoopee frickin do

 

[MaxDSP]

Originally posted by: her209
I've done the long distance thing... didn't work out.

 

[Ynog]

If you have trust issues, a relationship isn't going to work. Let alone a long distance relationship. You'll never be able to trust her.

That said you need to get over your trust issues. Has this SO given you any reason not to trust them? If not, then you need to look at
yourself and ask why. And using the old someone burned me in the past as the reason for your trust issues isn't good enough. If you are
still hung up on the past trust problem. You shouldn't be in a relationship. That simple. If your SO has not given you any reason to not trust
him/her, then its not their fault you don't trust them. So limited what they can do, so you feel better about yourself, is selfish.