I know the thread really isn't serious but I'll give a semi-serious answer anyway. From my experiences, it's more so that females have a bigger standard dev than males. Comparing the average is tough.
On the plus side, women seem to have a higher high point in life from things like stronger emotional attachment to their kids and their close female friends. If they're into fashion/looks at all, they have more variety since most of the fashion world caters to women. While it's nice to have a full-time job, a woman can get away with being a stay at home mom without serious consequences most of the time. I'm sure there are stay at home dads but they are a lot fewer and far between. That's not to say being a housewife is easy (salary.com estimates they should get paid ~$122k/year for their activities) but I think there's a lot more pressure in our culture for the male to be the breadwinner.
It seems a bit easier for a women to marry into money than it would be for males. Might not be the exact case but seems like there's more Anna Nicole Smiths than some young guy stealing a old woman's fortune.
For those that can do it, multiple orgasms. It's close to impossible to know both sides but I would wager that a good experience in the bedroom would be better for a woman if it's good but it's tempered by the fact that a lot of women have a tough time having one at all sometimes, especially if the male is really inexperienced.
On the negative side, there's a lot of things dragging things down. Obvious things include mood swings, possible PMS, monthly cycles, possible pains from pregnancy/childbirth and those general not so nice things about the reproductive system. While a woman can get away with being a "slob," in general, they're expected to care about their appearance more so than males. This leads to longer time to get ready in the morning and longer lines in public bathrooms. A lot of the time, they're just viewed as sex objects so getting older or being ugly can be more detrimental than it would be for a male. You can see this in Hollywood where older actors can get leading roles so much more than older women (who are stuck being a supporting grandma/mom). So yeah, ugly/overweight women certainly have it tougher while beautiful women can use their beauty to get stuff.
Then of course, there's all the obvious discrimination against women in the workforce. All the "old boys clubs" in law firms and other private firms. Politics is mostly men since women just recently have the right to vote. There are tons of cases where similar job descriptions have the male getting paid more. The gap is shrinking but last I read, it was women getting on average about 80% of the wages for the same job.
I have no statistics to back it up but I would imagine that women are more likely to be a victim of a (violent) crime, especially rape, sexual slavery, and similar crimes. Murders, I'm not really sure about. I guess it could go either way since there are lots of violent husbands and things like that but in the younger crowd, violent gang members tend to be male.
There's other stuff that's probably a wash. Like females probably have more complex social interactions but if you like that stuff, it's not a minus. So that part depends on the person.
Relationships is tough to quantify. CS people will know that a stable marriage algorithm will have the males generally be better off or at least will mostly get someone higher on his list. But real world is probably a little different. I'd like to think that we have more equality but it's still mostly males asking females out and the males more worried about rejection. On the flip side, turning down creepy/unwanted males gets kind of tedious.
Those are my very unscientific thoughts. Of course, it's mostly stereotypes and I'm sure there's point XYZ that doesn't hold true for this set of the population but you have to use stereotypes to compare huge groups like (male <=> female). A realistic analysis is difficult since there are too many variables in the utility function and the utility function varies so widely between different people.
All that said, I'd hesitate to call males better than females (in terms of how well off they have it) since half of the world is female and most of them are okay with it. If you're looking to be a Fortune 100 CEO or President of the US, then yeah but hey Hillary almost (well, sort of) did it and Maggie made it in the UK. But who knows? Maybe a few hundred/thousand years down the line, the job market will be more equal by then. The situation today is certainly different than that of a a few hundred years ago, when women were pretty much considered property.
Heh, and sorry for the tl;dr.
Oh and queenrobot, I hope whatever is bugging you at the moment gets resolved soon.