Joke exchange thread

[gwrober]

Originally posted by: daveshel

"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

*groan* aw man that was bad!

:disgust:

 

[Mizugori]

so a guy starts a new job, and he's a great employee, but after a while, he calls in on a monday and says "i'm sick". so, the next day he comes in totally normal and everything is fine, until next monday, when he calls again to say "i'm sick."

the third week this happens again, so on tuesday his boss sits down with him, and says "look you're a great employee, i don't want to lose you. but you can't keep just skipping mondays... what's going on? do you have a drug problem? just tell me about it, and i'm sure i can help you."

so the guy explained "well, alright. see, my sister married this asshole, and every sunday night he gets drunk and slaps her around. then she always ends up coming over to my place to get away from him, and she's always crying and so upset, and i hug her to make her feel better and, well, one thing leads to another... and the next thing you know, i'm f*cking her."

the boss, shocked, said "you f*ck your sister?!"

so the man replied "hey boss, i told you i was sick!!"

 

[gwrober]

The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................




"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!" :laugh:

 

[kranky]

A trucker needs to stop for the night and pulls into a no-name motel on a lonely highway. He asks the clerk how much the rooms are, and the clerk says, "$70, or $10 if you make your own bed."

The trucker says, "Really? I'll take the $10 rate and I'll make my own bed."

The clerk says, "OK, there's some wood and nails around back."

 

[Roguestar]

Oh no, it's dead baby joke time? Well, seeing as you're twisting my arm.


What's the only thing funnier than swinging a dead baby around your head as fast as you can?
Stopping it with a spade.

What's 12 inches long, black and purple and makes young mothers cry?
Cot death.

What's the best thing about having sex with twenty three year olds?
There's twenty of them.

What's red and screams a lot?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

How do you turn a dead baby into a submarine?
Fill it full of semen.

What's the only thing funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown suit.

What's the worst thing about having sex with a 6 year old?
Getting blood on your barney costume.


There are a couple more that are just a little bit more terrible than that that I'm not posting...

 

[Casawi]

"knock knock ... who is there heinh ? ... water .. heh ... who is there? ... water" - Ricky from TPB (trailer park boys) season 7

 

[Roguestar]

what

 

[Kev]

Originally posted by: Roguestar
Oh no, it's dead baby joke time? Well, seeing as you're twisting my arm.


What's the only thing funnier than swinging a dead baby around your head as fast as you can?
Stopping it with a spade.

What's 12 inches long, black and purple and makes young mothers cry?
Cot death.

What's the best thing about having sex with twenty three year olds?
There's twenty of them.

What's red and screams a lot?
A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

How do you turn a dead baby into a submarine?
Fill it full of semen.

What's the only thing funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown suit.

What's the worst thing about having sex with a 6 year old?
Getting blood on your barney costume.


There are a couple more that are just a little bit more terrible than that that I'm not posting...

please do.

what's the difference between dart boards and babies?

dart boards don't bleed.

 

[BAMAVOO]

I thougtht dead baby jokes lead to Bannination?

Dirty joke...

A white horse fell in a mud puddle.


Joke added only to adhere to only allow jokes to be posted.

 

[Roguestar]

Originally posted by: BAMAVOO
I thougtht dead baby jokes lead to Bannination?

No-one told me that :/.

 

[Mizugori]

want to hear a dirty joke? a boy played in the mud.

want to hear a clean joke? he took a bath with bubbles.

want to hear a dirty joke? bubbles was the girl next door

 

[bullbert]

[yells out] Joke # 87 !!!

 

[ondarkness]

no mas jokes?

 

[Accipiter22]

So 3 guys watch up on an island, and are captured by the natives. The chief tells them "we're going to skin you and use the flesh off of each of you to make a canoe. But I WILL let you choose how you die"

The first guy says: "I'll use poison." so he takes the poison, dies, and the natives skin him and use it to make a canoe.
The second guy says: "I'll use a gun" and he blows his head off. The natives skin him and use it to make a canoe.
The third guy says: "I'll take a knife"...and he starts slashing stabbing and ripping his body to shreds. He's running around spewing blood everywhere, and the chief asks "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?" and the guy replies "so much for your canoe asshole."

 

[Accipiter22]

Originally posted by: Mizugori
yes. but, since it did make you laugh:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many dead babies does it take to paint a fence? Depends how hard you throw them...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a dead baby float? Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you get 10 dead babies into one glass jar? With a blender!

How can you get them back out? With tortilla chips!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

what's the difference between a dumptruck full of bowling balls and a dump truck full of babies?


You can't get the bowling balls out with a pitchfork.

 

[Kev]

Originally posted by: Roguestar
<div class="FTQUOTE"><begin quote>Originally posted by: BAMAVOO
I thougtht dead baby jokes lead to Bannination?
</end quote></div>

No-one told me that :/.

I don't think so because I learned all my dead baby material on ATOT years ago

 

[Kev]

Originally posted by: Accipiter22
So 3 guys watch up on an island, and are captured by the natives. The chief tells them "we're going to skin you and use the flesh off of each of you to make a canoe. But I WILL let you choose how you die"

The first guy says: "I'll use poison." so he takes the poison, dies, and the natives skin him and use it to make a canoe.
The second guy says: "I'll use a gun" and he blows his head off. The natives skin him and use it to make a canoe.
The third guy says: "I'll take a knife"...and he starts slashing stabbing and ripping his body to shreds. He's running around spewing blood everywhere, and the chief asks "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?" and the guy replies "so much for your canoe asshole."

FINALLY a joke I haven't heard before :thumbsup:

 

[gwrober]

A guy walks into a bar, with a pet monkey. The bartender looks at them, and says "You can keep that monkey in here, if he doesn't start any trouble."

The man says thanks and orders a round.

A few minutes later, the monkey jumps onto the pool table, pisses everywhere, and without hesitating grabs and swallows the cue ball.

"Hey!! Your sick monkey just ate the cue ball! Get out!!!" The man pays for his drink with some extra for the ball, and leaves.

A few days later the man shows back up, with the same monkey. The bartender says, "Look, last chance, pull any stunts and you and your monkey can beat it!"

The man agrees, and orders a round. The monkey sits on the bar next to the man.

A few minutes later, the bartender watches the monkey grab a cherry from the bar, stick it up his ass, and then eat it. The monkey does this repeatedly, with all of the fruit, the peanuts, and the popcorn.

"HEY!!! I told you that any more sick stuff and you two are out of here!! Your monkey is sticking things up his butt and then eating it!!"

The man replies, "Well, ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures everything first...."

 

[gwrober]

A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T".

Examples of those days are as follows:

Tuesday

Thursday

Thanksgiving

Today

Tomorrow

Thaturday

Thunday

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father, the cop, caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too", she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is aspirin and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean, as is the rest of the house. Taking the aspirins he notices a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

In the kitchen is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3:00 a.m., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!'"

The patient says to his doctor, "Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!" The doctor replies, "Come on, pull yourself together."

Ok, last one for now!

A teacher asks the children to discuss what their fathers do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died?"

"He turned blue and sh*t on the carpet."

 

[Accipiter22]

So a man and a woman meet in a bar and after talking for a short while they find that they?re both divorced.

The woman says ?The problem with my marriage was that my husband just wasn?t kinky enough for me, he said my tastes were too extreme?. The man, surprised, says that?s the EXACT reason that his marriage ended as well, his wife just wasn?t wild enough.

So after a few more drinks they leave together, and go back to the lady?s house. The lady excuses herself for a few minutes and when she comes back she?s wearing leather crotchless panties, thigh high boots, and is holding a riding crop.

She sees that the man is getting up to leave so she says ?wait wait wait! I?m sorry! I just thought that after our conversation in the bar you were into kinky stuff. Don?t be afraid!?

The man says ?Oh, it?s not that! But I already fvcked your dog in the ass and sh1t in your purse, so I?m all set for the night?

 

[Accipiter22]

What's better than sex with a 5 year old?

Having sex with a 4 year old.

What's better than having sex with a 4 year old?

Having sex with a 3 year old.

What's better than having sex wit ha 3 year old?














Nothing.

 

[Demon-Xanth]

What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

Thier last big hit was the wall.

 

[child of wonder]

A redneck decides to go to college but doesn't know what his major should be. He tours the campus and asks a professor for advice.

"You should take some logic classes," the professor tells him.

"Logic? What in tarnation is that?" the redneck asks.

"I'll demonstrate. Do you own a rake?"

"Well, yeah."

The professor nods. "Since you own a rake I can deduce that you have a yard. Correct?"

"Gee... yeah, that's right!" exclaims the redneck.

"And since you have a yard, I can also conclude that you have a house."

"Wow! Right again!"

"Being that you have a house, I can also say with confidence that you have a wife and kids. Is that right?"

The redneck is even more astonished. "Yup! Damn! This is amazing!"

"So therefore, you are a heterosexual male," the professor says.

The redneck is so impressed he signs up for logic classes. He then runs for the bar to impress his friends.

"Hey Billy Bob!" the redneck says as he enters the bar. "I'm taking some logic classes!"

"Logic? The 'ell is that?" asks Billy Bob.

"I'll show you," the redneck replies. "Do you own a rake?"

Billy Bob looks at him funny. "No, I don't."

The redneck proudly exclaims "Then you're a queer!"

 

[gwrober]

TRUISM PUNS

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all
right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count
that votes.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade which fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Reading all of these was Pun -ishment enough.

 

[Lalakai]

Simple yet eloquent statements:

"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND."
-US Marine Corps

"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE
GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU."
-Infantry Journal

"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT."
-Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST
BOMBED."
US. Air Force manual

"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO."
Infantry Journal

"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS."
U.S. Army Ordnance

"FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS."
-Infantry Journal

"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID."
-David Hackworth

"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH."
Infantry Journal

"NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION."
-Joe Gay

"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER....ONCE."
-Anon

"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO."
-Unknown Marine Recruit

"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU."
-Infantry Journal

"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop