joke thread... 18+ only pls

[Mizugori]

On returning from battle in the Falkland Islands, 3 soldiers are asked to report to their commander.

The commander states that because of services rendered the army will pay each soldier a sum of £100 pound per inch on their bodies, from one point to another of their choice.

The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up.

"I'll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sahr!" replies the man of war.

"Excellent," says the commander, that's "70 inches, so here's £7000."

Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched.

"Excellent," replies the commander after measuring the marine, "75 inches, so that's £7500."

Thirdly he asks the explosives expert.

"I'll have measured the tip of my dick to he end of my balls sahr!"

The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private's privates he snaps back up saying "Where in Christ are your balls soldier?"

The soldier smiles at him and says, "Falkland Islands sahr!"

 

[Mizugori]

There's this guy who went to this camp for adults, so the owner is showing him around, and says, "You're gonna love it here, especially the barrel behind the restrooms, when you feel the need, stick you're dick in the hole for a blowjob.

"So the next day,the guy sees the owner, and says, "this place is great, I'm going to use that barrel everyday."

The owner says, "Everyday except Mondays."

"Why not on Mondays?"

The owner says, "That's your day in the barrel."

 

[Mizugori]

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.

Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback.

"$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively.

"You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

 

[KeithTalent]

^^ haha

Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he'sdrinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything insight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a Maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks. "No, what?" replies the guy."Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

KT

 

[Mizugori]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.

His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, she got fired too."

 

[Mizugori]

Two tampons are crossing the street. They both see a friend; which one waves?

...Neither, they're both stuck up cunts

 

[MovingTarget]

So a baby seal walks into a club...



















wait for it...















...

 

[KeithTalent]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the skyclouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong," and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

KT

 

[SonnyDaze]

Little Johnny had to write a paper on the difference between theory and reality for school. So he asked his dad for help when he got home that day.
"Dad" he said, "What's the difference between theory and reality?"
His dad replied, "Well Johnny, go ask your mom if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars."
Johnny came back and told his dad "Dad, Mom said yes, she would sleep with a man for a million dollars!!"
His dad then told him to go and ask his sister if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars.
Johnny came back and told his dad "Dad, sis said she would sleep with a man for a million dollars!!"
His dad told him "There you go Johnny that's the difference between theory and reality.
Johnny replied, "I don't get it?"
Dad replies, "Well Johnny in theory we're sitting on two million dollars but in reality we're living with two whores."

*************************************************************************

What does a North Carolina divorce and a hurricane have in common?

Someone's gunna lose a trailer.

*************************************************************************

Two condoms are walking down the street together and pass a gay bar. One turns to the other and says "Hey, wanna go in and get shit faced?"

 

[WaTaGuMp]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

 

[WaTaGuMp]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ?My friend is dead! What can I do??

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ?Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.? There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: ?OK, now what??

 

[KeithTalent]

^^ haha

A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again."Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?"
She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them.


After about 15 minutes the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah," he replies."Costs too much!"

KT

 

[KeithTalent]

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him
and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged in sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in
the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show
you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground
and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an
almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually
she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan

KT

 

[Fenixgoon]

Originally posted by: KeithTalent
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the skyclouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong," and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

KT

:thumbsup::laugh:

 

[Dominato3r]

Originally posted by: geno
Why do whores wear hoop earrings?




So they have a place to rest their feet.

Lol...

 

[Dominato3r]

Originally posted by: vshah
How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?



Fuck it, lets go ride our bikes.

This was bad.

 

[KeithTalent]

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach.

Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his
private parts with a newspaper.

The little girl says, "What's under there?"

So the man answers, "A bird."

The girl goes away and the man falls asleep.

When he wakes up, he was in a hospital and in great pain.

A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, "What happened?"

The man answers, "I don't know. I was at the beach and
I fell asleep after talking to a little girl."

So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the
beach to find any witnesses.

When they get there, they see the little girl the man was
talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the
man.

She answers, " I didn't do anything to the man, but while
he was sleeping, I played with his bird.

After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its
nest, and smashed all its eggs.

KT

 

[eplebnista]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

 

[Gothgar]

Originally posted by: Fenixgoon

Originally posted by: KeithTalent
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the skyclouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking.The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong," and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

KT

:thumbsup::laugh:

hahahahahaha!!!

:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:

 

[Freshgeardude]

Originally posted by: WaTaGuMp
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

it was actually 1 million bucks, but its still funny lol

 

[compuwiz1]

This guy goes up to the farmers front door.
He says I was driving by and noticed you have a trout pond out back. Can I fish it? Farmer says, son, there are no fish in there. Guy says I'd like to try it anyway. Farmer says, fine, suit yourself. About an hour later the guy comes back to farmers door with 6 nice trout. Well, I'll be damned, says the farmer. Guy says and while I was back there, I noticed you have a sandalwood tree. Farmers says come on son, that's not where they come from. About an hour later the guy appears at the farmers door with 2 nice pairs of sandals. Farmer says, why I'll be! Guy says, and while I was back there I noticed you have some pussy willows. Do ya mind if I..............? Farmer says, no hold on a minute and let me grab my hat. I'm coming with you!

 

[Freshgeardude]

BUMP!!

 

[WaTaGuMp]

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied ?I don't know, it all happened so fast.?

 

[WaTaGuMp]

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

 

[Freshgeardude]

Originally posted by: WaTaGuMp
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

hahaha