joke thread... 18+ only pls

[Freshgeardude]

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad
had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow
plow and follow it".
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She
followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.
She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow,
to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with Wal-Mart; now you can
follow me over to K-Mart."

 

[Freshgeardude]

What did the egg say to the boiling water?


"I just got laid and now you want me to get hard?!"

 

[Freshgeardude]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of aircraft's electronic navigation and communication
equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his
position or course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritted
sign and held it in the helicopter's window.
The sign said "WHERE AM I"? in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign an held it in a building window. The sign said, "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER".
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer
to SEATAC ( Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "
I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer".

 

[quackagator]

SEX BEFORE Dieing!


Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife

That the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to
live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch

And realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,

"Honey, please... Just one more time before I
die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love
for the
third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep..
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses
and turns,
Until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4
more hours.
Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen
Morris,
I have to get up in the morning... You don't."

 

[richardycc]

my fave gay joke....why are gay couples are always the first people to check out of a hotel?




because they've already packed their shit the night before...

 

[IronWing]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Control freak. Now you say "Control freak who?"

 

[Shawn]

Originally posted by: Sabot
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

NACHO CHEESE

 

[IronWing]

Why can't Napoleon play the piano?













He's dead.

 

[GoingUp]

How do you circumsize a hillbilly.
















Kick his sister in the jaw.

 

[Freshgeardude]

Originally posted by: Gobadgrs
How do you circumsize a hillbilly.

Kick his sister in the jaw.

lol

 

[eplebnista]

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?'' Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and
blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see.'' Well, what the heck? She does it. The next day her neighbor asks
how it worked. "So-so,'' she answers, "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.''

 

[eplebnista]

Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party". He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."

 

[Mizugori]

Originally posted by: eplebnista
Morris wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his bath robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party". He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "Please, if there's a God, please let this be a teabag."

lmfao oh god...

 

[jagec]

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?








Two...but how do you get them in there?

Originally posted by: richardycc
my fave gay joke....why are gay couples are always the first people to check out of a hotel?




because they've already packed their shit the night before...

I heard it differently:

Two gays and two lesbians have to drive from New York to LA. Who gets there first?



The lesbians, because they went lickety-split while the gay guys were packing their shit!

 

[eplebnista]

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50 the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

 

[Garet Jax]

A man and his wife were playing golf. On the ninth hole, the man drove and dropped his ball directly in front of a barn built on the side of the fairway. After realizing he was too close to go around or over it, his wife suggests that he go through it after she opens the front and back doors. The husband agrees.

He waits for her to open the back door, takes his shot and hits her square in the forehead killing her instantly.

A few years later the man and his new wife are playing the same course and the man hits the same shot off the ninth tee leaving his ball in almost an identical spot. When his new wife suggests that he go through the barn, he flatly refuses saying:

"I can't do that - last time I tried I bogied the hole."

 

[Garet Jax]

This man dies and goes to hell. Instantly he meets the Devil and is told that he has to choose a room from the three he is about to be shown. Once his decision is made, he will be forced to endure the result for 10,000 years before he can choose again.

The devil shows him the first room. Inside is a gorgeous woman torturing the man by slowing inserting burning rods into every one of his orifices.

The devil shows him the second room. Inside is another gorgeous woman torturing a man by stringing him up by his balls and whipping him with the cat of nine tails.

At this point the man looks to the devil and says "10,000 years?" to which the devil replies "Yes, choose wisely" and proceed to the third door.

When the man looks in, he can't believe his eyes. Inside is a gorgeous woman torturing the man by blowing him. Without hesitation, the man says to the devil "I want this room."

The devil walks into the room and says "Your time is up, your 10,000 years are done." and taps the girl on the shoulder.

 

[Garet Jax]

This young, gorgeous woman is driving along an old dirt road in a large hick town when her car breaks down. In the distance she sees a dim light. After making her way to it, she realizes it is a house. She knocks on the door. Two hick farmers answer the door. She explains her situation and asks for help. The two farmers agree to help as long as she will have sex with them.

She agrees but insists that they wear condoms so she doesn't get pregnant or worse.

6 months later the two farmers were sitting on their porch. One said to the other:

"Did you really care if the girl we helped 6 months ago got pregnant?"
The other responded saying "No."
"Then why the hell are we still wearing these stupid condoms?"

 

[Garet Jax]

These two sperm were swimming along and one says to the other: "How much further to the ovaries?"

The other responds: "No idea, but I know we just passed the esophagus."

 

[Garet Jax]

This rookie cop pulls over a red, convertible mustang for speeding. As he approaches the car, he notices the driver is a gorgeous blond. When he asks her for her driver's license, registration and proof of insurance, she looks stumped.

He calls his sergeant and explains the situation. His sergeant starts laughing and tells him to go back to the side of the car and to drop his pants. The rookie relunctantly agrees.

When he does, the blond frowns and says: "Oh god, not another breathalizer."

 

[Garet Jax]

What does a hockey goalie and a polish woman have in common?

They both wait until after the 3rd period to change thier pads.

 

[Garet Jax]

What's the difference between a bowling ball and a polish woman?

If you had to, you could eat a bowling ball.

 

[Garet Jax]

Why does a blond wear panties?

To keep her ankles warm.

____________________________________________________________

What does a blond say after sex?

You guys all on the same team?

____________________________________________________________

How does a blond turn on the light during sex?

She opens the car door.

____________________________________________________________

What does the blond mom say to he blond daughter before she goes out for the night?

If you're not in bed by 10pm come home.

 

[Garet Jax]

How does the greek father know his daughter is on the rag?

He can taste it on his son's cock.

 

[Garet Jax]

This gorgeous blond virgin (an oxymoron I know but go with it) is on an airplane when the pilot comes on and explains that they have lost an engine and will inevitably crash likely killing everyone aboard. He further explained that they only had a few minutes left.

When hearing this the woman stood up and franticly exclaimed "I can't die a virgin, will some man please show me what it means to be a woman?"

To this, a handsome well muscled man stood up and started walking towards her. As he approached, he starting slowly unbuttoning his shirt. As he got closer and closer, he undid more and more buttons. When he finally reached her, he was removing his shirt. As it came off, he threw it at her and said: "Iron this bitch."