joke thread... 18+ only pls

[Garet Jax]

How do you fix the dishwasher?

Hit the bitch.

____________________________________________________________
What's the definition of a woman?

A life support system for a pussy.

____________________________________________________________
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

I done told you twice.

____________________________________________________________
Why do men get so little air to their brains.

Because their dicks only have one hole.

 

[eplebnista]

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left..

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that There were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you." (Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney.)

 

[CKent]

A cowboy riding in a desolate area of the desert comes across a beautiful naked woman tied to a stake in the ground.

"Thank god you're here!" she screams, "A gang of indians tied me up and had their way with me! For 7 days I've been lying here tied up, raped hundreds of times and I'm dying of thirst."

The cowboy starts unbuckling his belt and says "Ma'am, it looks like this just isn't your week"

----

Did you hear the one about the blonde who locked her keys in her car? She got soaked when it started raining, but the worst part was so did her car, since the top was down.

----

A priest gets a flat tire. No sooner does he pull over than a huge bodybuilder pulls in behind him and offers to help. The beast lifts the corner with the flat with one hand and undoes the lugnuts barehanded with the other. He puts on the spare and tells the priest "All set, tighter than a nun's wise and beautiful woman". The priest hesitates a moment, then says "The tire iron's in back, one sec while I pop the trunk..."

 

[KeithTalent]

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.

It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says ?what are you doing?? - and they say ?we?re saving it for later!?

Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says ?What size? small, medium, or large?? She said ?I dont know? one to fit a camel??

KT

 

[KeithTalent]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a local gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked her to undress, afterwhich the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, ?Do you know what I?m doing?? ?Yes,? she replied, ?you?re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.? ?That is right,? said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. ?Do you know what I?m doing now?? he asked. ?Yes,? the woman said, ?you?re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.? ?Correct,? replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, ?Do you know what I?m doing now?? ?Yes,? she said. ?You?re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place.?

KT

 

[zebano]

Q: What's the difference between apathy and ignorance.

A: I don't f'ing know and I don't f'ing care.


Q:How did the turtle cross highway without getting hit?
Hint: Take the word freeway, remove the f in free and the f in way.

 

[Freshgeardude]

bump!

 

[vshah]

Originally posted by: zebano
Q: What's the difference between apathy and ignorance.

A: I don't f'ing know and I don't f'ing care.


Q:How did the turtle cross highway without getting hit?
Hint: Take the word freeway, remove the f in free and the f in way.

hehe

i like the other version of the 2nd one

How do you fit an elephant in a safeway shopping cart?
hint: take the S out of safe and the F out of way

 

[eplebnista]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally sh*ts in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides"

 

[coldmeat]

Originally posted by: vshah

Originally posted by: zebano
Q: What's the difference between apathy and ignorance.

A: I don't f'ing know and I don't f'ing care.


Q:How did the turtle cross highway without getting hit?
Hint: Take the word freeway, remove the f in free and the f in way.

hehe

i like the other version of the 2nd one

How do you fit an elephant in a safeway shopping cart?
hint: take the S out of safe and the F out of way

Ok, can someone explain these to me?

 

[cKGunslinger]

Originally posted by: coldmeat

Originally posted by: vshah

Originally posted by: zebano
Q: What's the difference between apathy and ignorance.

A: I don't f'ing know and I don't f'ing care.


Q:How did the turtle cross highway without getting hit?
Hint: Take the word freeway, remove the f in free and the f in way.

hehe

i like the other version of the 2nd one

How do you fit an elephant in a safeway shopping cart?
hint: take the S out of safe and the F out of way

Ok, can someone explain these to me?

Me: ...you remove the 'F' in way.
You: Wait, there's no ''F' in way!
Me: That's right! There's no F'in way!

/rimshot

 

[coldmeat]

Originally posted by: cKGunslinger

Originally posted by: coldmeat

Originally posted by: vshah

Originally posted by: zebano
Q: What's the difference between apathy and ignorance.

A: I don't f'ing know and I don't f'ing care.


Q:How did the turtle cross highway without getting hit?
Hint: Take the word freeway, remove the f in free and the f in way.

hehe

i like the other version of the 2nd one

How do you fit an elephant in a safeway shopping cart?
hint: take the S out of safe and the F out of way

Ok, can someone explain these to me?

Me: ...you remove the 'F' in way.
You: Wait, there's no ''F' in way!
Me: That's right! There's no F'in way!

/rimshot

oh... haha

 

[danzigrules]

What do blondes and railway tracks have in common?

They've been laid all over the country.


What's a prostitute with a runny nose?






Full.

 

[Nik]

Originally posted by: MichaelD
Ooohh. Well...um. I WAS going to post a joke but being the thread started on a racial joke note...and this is still ATOT (the land of pissed-off Liberal Equal Opportunity Alternate Lifestyle Because Everyone Is Beautiful Mod Smackdown b/c he feels like it)... I won't post any jokes.

/slowly backs out of thread

Don't worry, you're still my hero MichaelD :beer:

PS. You can PM me all the dirty jokes you want :evil:

 

[WaTaGuMp]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying, to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

 

[Knight7]

a man tells his son: go ask your mother if she would fuck a guy for 1 million dollars, the kid comes back and tells the father Dad she said yes she would fuck a guy for 1 million dollars, then the father says: ok now go ask your mother if she would fuck a guy for 1 million dollars, after a while the kids comes back says, dad mom say yes she would fuck a guy for 1 million dollars. the father tells his son see son, in theory we are millionaires, but in reality we live with two Whores.

 

[RadiclDreamer]

Originally posted by: Knight7
a man tells his son: go ask your mother if she would fuck a guy for 1 million dollars, the kid comes back and tells the father Dad she said yes she would fuck a guy for 1 million dollars, then the father says: ok now go ask your mother if she would fuck a guy for 1 million dollars, after a while the kids comes back says, dad mom say yes she would fuck a guy for 1 million dollars. the father tells his son see son, in theory we are millionaires, but in reality we live with two Whores.

I believe this was already posted, and you butchered it

 

[Knight7]

lol i was trying to see all the posted jokes, by the time i got to page 9 i was like F!@# this id just write it and wait for someone say it was written already.

 

[MixMasterTang]

Originally posted by: Knight7
a man tells his son: go ask your mother if she would fuck a guy for 1 million dollars, the kid comes back and tells the father Dad she said yes she would fuck a guy for 1 million dollars, then the father says: ok now go ask your mother if she would fuck a guy for 1 million dollars, after a while the kids comes back says, dad mom say yes she would fuck a guy for 1 million dollars. the father tells his son see son, in theory we are millionaires, but in reality we live with two Whores.

I don't want to scare you away from posting, since you've had a whopping 38 posts in 3 years, 4 months and 7 days, but please refrain from posting anymore jokes.

 

[eplebnista]

You might be an engineer if . . .

* Choosing between buying flowers for your wife and upgrading your RAM is a problem.
* You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room and communications facility.
* In college, you learned Spring Break was not metal fatigue failure in a corrosive environment.
* The salespeople at the local computer store don't understand any of your questions.
* At an air show, you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
* For your wife's birthday you gave her a new Blu-ray Burner or a Netbook.
* You can type 70 words per minute but you can't read your own handwriting.
* You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
* You sit backwards on Disney rides so you can see how they do the special effects.
* You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
* You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
* You know exactly what "http://" stands for.
* You look forward to Christmas so you can put together the kids toys.
* You see a good design, and have to change it.
* You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
* You still own a slide rule and know how to use it ! ! !
* You think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
* You window shop at Radio Shack.
* Your laptop computer cost more than your car.
* Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
* You've already calculated how much you make per second.
* You've tried to repair a $5 radio.

 

[Lalakai]

where do they send worn out prostitutes??
























back to the Virgen Islands for recycling.

 

[Mizugori]

what did the leper say to the prostitute?




...keep the tip

 

[3chordcharlie]

I love nursery rhymes!

Little boy blue
he needed the money

 

[eplebnista]

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

The third piggy said, "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!?

 

[Mizugori]

must...not...let...thread..........die.......................

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