joke thread... 18+ only pls

[Exterous]

A guy and a girl were on a date at a restaurant. They guy thought things were going very well when she suddleny stands up and yells "No I will not have sex with you!" and stalks out.
The guy sat there embarrassed for a minute with the rest of the restaurant looking at him.
After a minute the girl comes back and apologizes "I am a student at the local university studying psychology and the effects of embarrassment on people. I hope you understand."
He nods his head and stands up shouting "What do you mean $200??!!" and walks out

 

[CKent]

Originally posted by: MichaelD
Ooohh. Well...um. I WAS going to post a joke but being the thread started on a racial joke note...and this is still ATOT (the land of pissed-off Liberal Equal Opportunity Alternate Lifestyle Because Everyone Is Beautiful Mod Smackdown b/c he feels like it)... I won't post any jokes.

/slowly backs out of thread

ATOT is the most blatantly anti-black racist forum I've ever been to. Bunch of scrawny white geeks from rural America, with a sprinkling of Asians and Indians. You should have no problem putting down blacks here, if the past is any indication.

Originally posted by: Mizugori
turin get a life. contribute something or leave the thread, sheesh

He's trying to help the thread look like it isn't written by 10 year olds taking remedial English, I'd call that a contribution.

---

A Polish guy goes to his eye doctor, who holds up a chart reading K S T Z X K S T I and asks him if he can read it.

The guy says "Read it? I know the guy!"

---

An old woman goes to her doctor with an embarassing problem. "You see", she explains, "I have an embarassing amount of gas and virtually no control over when it comes out. Luckily there's no odor or sound associated with it though. In fact I've passed gas four times already in your office and you didn't even notice."

The doctor gives her a prescription and sets up a followup appointment in 2 weeks.

Two weeks later the woman is a bit miffed as she tells her doctor "I don't know what's in those pills, but all of a sudden my gas smells horrible."

"Excellent", replies the doctor, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses we can get you fitted for hearing aids."

 

[IronWing]

Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs?














He doesn't want anyone to know he's been screwing the chicken.

 

[Turin39789]

Originally posted by: ironwing
Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs?














He doesn't want anyone to know he's been screwing the chicken.

I laughed

 

[Itchrelief]

I've seen these somewhere else, may have been here so may be reposts. They're definitely oldies, though.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to shit!"

"Aha! Little Red Riding Hood!" cried the Wolf, happening upon the girl in the woods. "Now I'm going to take off your little red cape, lift up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties and boink your little brains out!"

"Oh no you're not, Mr. Wolf!" the smirking Red Riding Hood replied, slowly pulling a gun out of her basket and pointing it at the wolf. "You're going to eat me - just like it says in the book!"

 

[IronWing]

Why doesn't Jesus eat M&Ms?


They keep falling through the holes in his hands.




What were Jesus' last words to his disciples?


Can you get me my flats, these spikes are killing me.


Jesus was up on the cross with the women wailing below.
Jesus called out "Peter".
One of the women said "He's calling for Peter, we must find him."
Jesus called again "Peter".
Martha looked up at Jesus, made up her mind, and took off running through Jerusalem to the house where Peter lay in hiding.
"Peter, you must come. Jesus is calling for you."
Peter replies that he must stay hidden or the priests will nab him.
"Peter, he is calling for you by name."
Shamed, Peter races from the house yelling "I'm coming Lord!"
Peter scrambles up the hill to where Jesus hangs in anguish.
Jesus cries again "Peter!"
Peter replies "Yes, Lord I am here!"
"Peter!!!"
"I am here with you Lord!"
"Peter, I have something to tell you."
"What is is Lord?"
Peter, I can see your house from here."

 

[Cerpin Taxt]

What's the difference between a dead baby and a peanut butter & jelly sandwich?





















You don't fuck a PBJ before you eat it.

 

[IronWing]

Skip, Phil, Bob, Eileen, IHOP, and nothing, it won't come when you call anyway.

 

[IronWing]

Why can't you go to the bathroom at a Beatles concert?










There's no John.

 

[Argo]

Originally posted by: meltdown75
What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?

Pitch to the rhino.

This was awesome. Took me a while to get it...

 

[lokiju]

Originally posted by: Kev
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"

Two sausages are in a frying pan, one says to the other "it sure is hot in here." The other one looks at him and screams "Oh my god a talking sausage!!"


Always gets me...

:laugh:

A man walks into a doctors office wearing only Saran Wrap and shouts "doc you gotta help me, I think I'm going crazy!!" The doctor replies "this is a dental office but...............................I can clearly see your nuts"

 

[anxi80]

Originally posted by: CKent
A Polish guy goes to his eye doctor, who holds up a chart reading K S T Z X K S T I and asks him if he can read it.

The guy says "Read it? I know the guy!"

what does a polish bride get on her wedding night thats long and hard?


a new last name!

 

[IronWing]

How do you pick out the bride at a Minnesota wedding?








She's the one in the clean sweatshirt.

 

[CKent]

What do West Virginians do for Halloween?
Pump Kin

A guy meets this smoking hot chick at the bar and she invites him back to her apartment. They have a few drinks and she blurts out that she's into some pretty kinky sex. The guy says it's not a problem, he is too. So she excuses herself to change into something a little bit more comfortable. 15 minutes later, she walks back into the room, clad head to toe in black spiked leather, 5 inch heels and brandishing a nasty looking whip. "Ready?" she asks tersely.
"Give me 10 minutes", the guy replies, "I just fucked your cat."

 

[Sho'Nuff]

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Anheuser Busch"
The lady next to him replies "just fine, and how's your c0ck?"


Two protons walk into a black hole . . . . . .


A polish man is worried about his son. Every day he catches his son wacking off, and he is starting to think something is wrong with him. One day, he says to his son, "son, you've got to get married, if you keep wacking off this much you are going to hurt yourself!" The son agrees, and the man sets him up with a local girl. One week later, the girl and the son break up. The father says, "son, what was the matter, didn't you like the girl?" "Sure" replies the son, "but her little arms just got too tired."

West Virginia, where the men are men and so are the women
West Virginia, where the men are men and the sheep are scared
West Virginia, where everyone is one big happy family
What do west virginians do on halloween? Pumpkin!

 

[lizardboy]

Originally posted by: Ocguy31
So my SO bets me that she can tell me something that will make me happy and make me cry at the same time.

I tell her to go for it.


"Your dick is bigger than your brother's"

winner

 

[Sho'Nuff]

Originally posted by: xeno2060
What's the definition of a Jewish dilemma?





Free Ham.

I laughed at this one.

 

[thegimp03]

Originally posted by: theblackbox
A man and his son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The dad asked him, "before or after sex?"

"Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied.

The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"

"Yeah" said the son.

"Well, what about after sex?" said the son.

His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!!

Bahahah...ohhh the image...

 

[oboeguy]

A flasher approached three little old ladies sitting on a park bench and displayed the goods.

The first little old lady had a stroke.

The second little old lady had a stroke.

The third little old lady, well, her arms were too short.

 

[WaTaGuMp]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and
heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to
wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying
here
by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

 

[eplebnista]

Originally posted by: WaTaGuMp
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and
heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to
wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying
here
by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.

:laugh:

 

[JJChicken]

Originally posted by: MIKEMIKE
Okay, so there were three midgets in this bar, it was gettin late and they had all had their fair share of drinking.

Suddenly, one midget turns to the other two and goes, you know what, i probably have the smallest hands in the world. The other two look around, and say, okay, we'll drink to that. so they each drink to it.

The second midget turns to the other two and says, you know, i probably have the smallest feet in the world. the other two look around and say, okay, we'll drink to that.

The third midget looks around, says, you know, i probably have the smallest dick in the world. the other two look at each other, then around, and say, okay we'll drink to that.

So after these revelations, the three midgest concur that they should go the next morning to the guiness book of world records and get themselves put in the record book.

come next morning, the three midgets were outside the building for the guiness book of world records

the first midget walks in, about 10 minutes later, he comes back out estatic, and says I did it, ihave the smallest hands in the world, im in the guiness book of world records.

the second midget walks in, and about 15 minutes later, he comes back out estatic and says, I did it, I have the smallest feet in the world, im in the guiness book of world records.

The third midget proudly walks up and into the building, about 2 minutes later he comes back outside piss off. The other two ask him whats wrong, he responds
Who the fvck is this Anandtech Moderator guy anyways?

Fucking AWESOME! I LOL'ed in real life.

 

[JJChicken]

Originally posted by: Sabot
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

NACHO CHEESE

:thumbsup:

 

[JJChicken]

Originally posted by: CKent
What do West Virginians do for Halloween?
Pump Kin

A guy meets this smoking hot chick at the bar and she invites him back to her apartment. They have a few drinks and she blurts out that she's into some pretty kinky sex. The guy says it's not a problem, he is too. So she excuses herself to change into something a little bit more comfortable. 15 minutes later, she walks back into the room, clad head to toe in black spiked leather, 5 inch heels and brandishing a nasty looking whip. "Ready?" she asks tersely.
"Give me 10 minutes", the guy replies, "I just fucked your cat."

:thumbsup: :laugh:

 

[SandEagle]

Sorry if it offends, but its one I heard recently:

A rabbi and a Catholic priest are standing on the corner when a little boy runs past them. "Hey, let's **** that kid!" says the Catholic priest.

The rabbi responds "Outta what?"