Live together before marriage?

[Scarpozzi]

1. Most unmarried couples that move in together are renting
2. Most unmarried couples that move in together are not necessarily financially stable
3. Most unmarried couples that move in together are relatively inexpreienced in relationships *(at least 1 of the 2 in the relationship)

Having said all that, statistics can't indentify what happens when the relationship starts hitting hardship as responsibility increases. For example, buying a house and having to deal with finances is what usually causes the most fights. Second is living conditions and doing house chores. Both of these are very hard to deal with as each person in the relationship gets past their 20s and has to start being an adult.

I guess you can compare it to when you're in your 20s looking back at your prior self from high school. Most people look back at their past and say, "wow....I've really changed a lot in 5 years." 5 years later, after college, it happens again.....then you get married....it happens again. How we react to these changes is what defines whether or not we'll be able to continue relationships from one period in our lives to the next. Those who are stable survive....unless their significant other changes....then they must be able to adapt.

 

[GeorgiaBadger]

4 years cohabitation before marriage. It will be 20 years of Marriage in June. No religion. Just some shared values.

 

[IGBT]

Originally posted by: iamwiz82
Perhaps it is because the people who live together before marraige are more open-minded and won't stay in a relationship simply because it's 'god's way' and such?

..if your not down for the struggle be damn shure you and you ilk have no kids.

 

[BoomerD]

You wouldn't buy a pair of shoes without trying them on, would you?

My wife and I lived together for about 8 months before we got married...33 years ago next month.

 

[Xavier434]

Originally posted by: Scarpozzi
1. Most unmarried couples that move in together are renting
2. Most unmarried couples that move in together are not necessarily financially stable
3. Most unmarried couples that move in together are relatively inexpreienced in relationships *(at least 1 of the 2 in the relationship)

Having said all that, statistics can't indentify what happens when the relationship starts hitting hardship as responsibility increases. For example, buying a house and having to deal with finances is what usually causes the most fights. Second is living conditions and doing house chores. Both of these are very hard to deal with as each person in the relationship gets past their 20s and has to start being an adult.

I guess you can compare it to when you're in your 20s looking back at your prior self from high school. Most people look back at their past and say, "wow....I've really changed a lot in 5 years." 5 years later, after college, it happens again.....then you get married....it happens again. How we react to these changes is what defines whether or not we'll be able to continue relationships from one period in our lives to the next. Those who are stable survive....unless their significant other changes....then they must be able to adapt.

I disagree with all 3 of those statements. While they might be true for many couples, times are changing rapidly. More and more unmarried couples are buying property, have reached a point in their lives of at least moderate financial stability, and many are experienced through previous relationships. It sounds more like you are referring to college students living together rather than couples who have been out of college for at least a couple years in which case all three of those statements are very true.

 

[jonks]

Originally posted by: thomsbrain
That statistic, which is as old as dirt, BTW, makes the logically bogus mistake of insinuating causation from mere correlation.

 

[mattocs]

Originally posted by: iamwiz82
Perhaps it is because the people who live together before marraige are more open-minded and won't stay in a relationship simply because it's 'god's way' and such?

Ding ding.

 

[nakedfrog]

Originally posted by: mb
How about:
Engaged, lived together (not yet married), then split up?

Cause that I might know something about. Maybe.

Then you didn't live together before marriage, because there was no marriage

 

[nakedfrog]

Originally posted by: mugs
Couples who cohabitate AFTER marriage also have a higher rate of divorce than couples who don't.

:laugh:
Can you produce any links to back that up?

 

[MaxDepth]

Originally posted by: Savij

Originally posted by: rh71
*The above poll questions are not necessarily aimed at finding the truth behind the following statistic.* We are mostly in our 20s & some 30s and obviously wouldn't be the proper representation of most real-world statistics anyway.

For the married couples (or those close to it), did you live together before getting married?
I found this interesting:

Highest Risk Factor?

The highest risk factor for divorce may be surprising, since it is often seen as a way to promote stability and security in a relationship. Couples who move in together prior to marriage have a far greater chance of divorce than couples who do not. How much higher is that risk? Some studies suggest couples who co-habitat before marriage, divorce at a rate as high as 85 percent.

Ha, If you read the entire study, you would see that people who got married because they got pregnant in highschool had a significantly higher rate of divorce. The media focused on the cohabitation, but there were better indicators listed in the study. It's not PC, but race was a significant indicator listed in the study also. I seem to remember that the study's findings implied that your chances weren't looking too good if you were a poor, black couple that got married because they got pregnant in highschool then your chances of staying married were slim to none.

OMG! Where is Oprah? Save us, Oprah!

 

[sdifox]

Originally posted by: rh71
*The above poll questions are not necessarily aimed at finding the truth behind the following statistic.* We are mostly in our 20s & some 30s and obviously wouldn't be the proper representation of most real-world statistics anyway.

For the married couples (or those close to it), did you live together before getting married?
I found this interesting:

Highest Risk Factor?

The highest risk factor for divorce may be surprising, since it is often seen as a way to promote stability and security in a relationship. Couples who move in together prior to marriage have a far greater chance of divorce than couples who do not. How much higher is that risk? Some studies suggest couples who co-habitat before marriage, divorce at a rate as high as 85 percent.

how is that surprising? you started the bickering even before you got married.

 

[dullard]

I've read many studies on the subject. And, yes, on the surface cohabitation appears to increase the rate of divorce. Most studies found the increase is somewhere between 20% and 80% higher (depending on how you measure it - ie how long after marriage do you look: 5 years, 10 years, 50 years?). The divorce rate is roughly 45%-50% for non-cohabitation and roughly 60%-65% for cohabitation.

But, there are significant things to learn in those numbers. Don't just judge a book by its cover, or judge a decision by one unadjusted statistic.
1) Many people who do cohabitate don't divorce and many people who don't cohabitate do divorce. It isn't a on/off switch like so many people say on forums.
2) If you understand the reason for cohabitation, and account for that in the study, then the divorce rates are not worse.

Let me focus on #2. There are several reasons why someone may cohabitate. Some reasons are good to the couple, some reasons are severely detrimental. It is these detrimental reasons that we have to consider. These detrimental reasons share a common thread: the couple is doomed from the start, which skews the data towards higher divorce rates.
A) Couples may cohabitate to make ends meet. These couples are financially unstable and poor finances are one of the major causes of arguments. Thus, this couple is bound to have more severe arguments on a whole than the average couple.
B) Couples may cohabitate because one or both don't want to be married. When they do marry, guess what, the marriage rarely lasts. I've seen it first hand several times. Usually the man never wants to be married, so they cohabitate. After several years he gives in and marries her. Guess what? He still doesn't want to be married and they usually end up divorcing.
C) Couples may cohabitate because their friends/family is against their relationship. Again, the couple will have a more difficult time than a couple with full societal support.
D) Couples may cohabitate because they are still too young. Guess what, if you are too immature, your marriage won't work. Living together 6 months or even a year or two won't change it. The relationship is still doomed until both are mature, and usually they don't cohabitate long enough to reach that point.
E) Etc. I can go on and on.

So the data above (say a 87% higher chance of divorce from the OP) is comparing a typical couple to a couple with a fundamental flaw. It isn't at all surprising that the couple with the fundamental flaw has a higher divorce rate.

Try comparing married couples without those fundamental flaws. For example, some people may cohabitate SHORT TERM and AFTER getting engaged just to further confirm that their partner is correct for them. If they truely evaluate each other and end the wedding if they are not right for each other, then we weed out the fundamentally flawed couples. Now, in this limited case, I guarantee the divorce rates are on par or even better for the cohabitators. Unfortunately, this type of study has never been done to my knowledge.

 

[sdifox]

Originally posted by: Descartes
It's going to depend wildly on the culture. In the US, I'd imagine these statistics will be very accurate; however, in Asian countries, whether they lived together or not, divorce rate is going to be extremely low relative to the Western world. In some cases, these married couples literally hadn't even spoken a word to one another before they got married. That doesn't mean they're happily married of course...

no longer true. They are catching up.

 

[jai6638]

Originally posted by: sdifox

Originally posted by: Descartes
It's going to depend wildly on the culture. In the US, I'd imagine these statistics will be very accurate; however, in Asian countries, whether they lived together or not, divorce rate is going to be extremely low relative to the Western world. In some cases, these married couples literally hadn't even spoken a word to one another before they got married. That doesn't mean they're happily married of course...

no longer true. They are catching up.

Maybe because they are getting more Westernized and adopting Western methods..

 

[w3stfa11]

Originally posted by: jaqie
There is no place in that poll for "lived together prior to mairrage, broke up before mairrage". That is where I am. Lived with X fiance for 6 months to see how things work, they didn't.

I think this is still the wise decision; to live with your partner before getting married to see if you're compatible living together, almost like a trial marriage. I hope no one here just decides to straight to marriage just because of this study.

 

[sdifox]

Originally posted by: jai6638

Originally posted by: sdifox

Originally posted by: Descartes
It's going to depend wildly on the culture. In the US, I'd imagine these statistics will be very accurate; however, in Asian countries, whether they lived together or not, divorce rate is going to be extremely low relative to the Western world. In some cases, these married couples literally hadn't even spoken a word to one another before they got married. That doesn't mean they're happily married of course...

no longer true. They are catching up.

Maybe because they are getting more Westernized and adopting Western methods..

yeap... they don't take shit anymore

 

[Jeff7]

Huh, when my parents were looking at getting married, my dad's grandmother gave them this advice, in a kindly PA Dutch accent of course :
"Oh no, no, no, why do you want to do that already? Live together while, really get to know each other!"

I don't know how long they've been married now; I'm 26, so it's definitely been longer than that.

 

[BurnItDwn]

You need to add an option for "live together, might marry them."

 

[jai6638]

Originally posted by: sdifox

Originally posted by: jai6638

Originally posted by: sdifox

Originally posted by: Descartes
It's going to depend wildly on the culture. In the US, I'd imagine these statistics will be very accurate; however, in Asian countries, whether they lived together or not, divorce rate is going to be extremely low relative to the Western world. In some cases, these married couples literally hadn't even spoken a word to one another before they got married. That doesn't mean they're happily married of course...

no longer true. They are catching up.

Maybe because they are getting more Westernized and adopting Western methods..

yeap... they don't take shit anymore

This is true but the con of this would be the fact that they could be taking the easier way out since divorce is an option. My original statement was not meant to be entirely positive.

 

[imported_Lothar]

Don't see much benefit in cohabitation.
But hey, whatever works for people.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: Lothar
Don't see much benefit in cohabitation.
But hey, whatever works for people.

well it requires a g/f first.

 

[alkemyst]

Originally posted by: BurnItDwn
You need to add an option for "live together, might marry them."

why not a 'might ask them out, might move in with them' too?


IMHO these types of statistics are skewed as most of those collecting them are anti-cohabitation.

What I find the biggest problem now that I am getting older is say a couple live together 5+ years. Everything was great and then they decide to get married. What usually happens is some mini-battles break out over the wedding...which is normal, but then both people think that marriage will somehow magically transform their relationship and make it better.

I don't know why half the people out there rush into marriages now-a-days. There is practically no stigma on being sexual anymore. There is no real upside in getting married outside immigration and one in a couple trying to split their tax burden a bit. I can see if you have kids as that is sort of still frowned upon outside marriage.

If my wife wasn't facing the end of her H1B, we'd probably not have gotten married. She was here 3+ years and the job ended abruptly. We have been together 5 years now. In the beginning I had real doubts, I wasn't really monogamous even near the end.

I have grown a bit with this relationship and have focused on different priorities. She doesn't nag, isn't demanding. She can keep herself busy and not need me to be constantly around her. Still I miss the freedom most of all.

 

[imported_Lothar]

Originally posted by: alkemyst

Originally posted by: Lothar
Don't see much benefit in cohabitation.
But hey, whatever works for people.

well it requires a g/f first.

My parents didn't cohabitate.

Many cultures get by just fine in their marriages without cohabitation.
Has little to do with religion, or God as many others seem to be suggesting in this thread.

 

[shortylickens]

Never been married.
Am 28.
Firmly hold the opinion that NOBODY should be married before age 30, if the observance of friends and associates is any indication.

After 30 it seems to help a little to live with each other for a little bit, but thats not the determining factor.

 

[Chaotic42]

I'd like to see that with age taken into account.