My HONEST thoughts on marriage

[Alphathree33]

A lot of my friends are getting married. And that's great -- I'm really happy for them. All of us are approaching "that stage" in our lives where we're supposed to become Boring Old Guys (TM), buy a house and have kids.

But there is something that I simply cannot come to terms with, and it is really shallow, but it is also the truth.

I've become accustomed to dating attractive girls -- you know, thin, nice skin, nice hair. Not supermodels, but 8s and 9s.

That's the *primary* thing that attracts me to a woman. Once a girl has that, then other things DEFINITELY come into play: are they sweet? caring? active? interesting?

But WITHOUT that primary attraction, none of those other things matter.

A fact of life is that women get old and they loose their looks. There's nothing that can be done to prevent it. Another fact of life is that marriage is supposed to be forever. I know that isn't the case in reality, but I also couldn't possibly go forward PLANNING to divorce.

Now, I know a lot of people say they get married and they've never been happier.

But she will get older and then I will no longer be attracted to her. I've never met a woman over 35 that I have the slightest bit of attraction for.

I wish I could *choose* otherwise, but unfortunately it's built into my biology.

There's that old quote from the 70-year-old man who likes 19-year-old girls: "When I was 19, I preferred 19-year-old girls. My preferences simply haven't changed since."

I don't expect my desires to change.

I'm not denying the value of a life-long partner. But I might as well just move in with my best friend and get the same effect -- seriously. We can adopt kids and watch movies together, just without the cuddling.

There are several "solutions" in my mind:
-- Marriage just isn't for me
-- I could attempt to remove all younger women from my life when I get older so that I don't even remember what it's like to feel attracted to a girl, but this seems silly
-- I could go through a cycle of marriages and divorces with really good pre-nups?

I *DO* want the family experience. I want to be settled and have kids and be married and have all of those things. But I also KNOW for a fact that I am never *fully* satisfied unless I have a hot young woman in my life.

 

[Finns14]

Way to long and no one cares

 

[Lola]

Ah, you forgot one specific idea.... YOU will get older and wrinkled too... What makes you think a young girl (19 or 20) would want an old guy, short of being a sugar daddy?

It is your life, and if you don't want marriage, that is fine, but keep in mind the hands of time will slowly take over your physical body too.

Edit to say: i guess you are one step ahead of others that think this way, at least you accept how you really feel and do not deny that.

Maybe the issue is you have not truly found someone who you like/love enough to want to spend a long time with?

Someone said... "time erodes all such beauty, but what it can't take away is your ideas, personality and humor"... its true to both males and females... there is always plastic surgery though.

 

[Roguestar]

Cliffs?

In before OP dies alone.

 

[krunchykrome]

I hate to break it to you, but you're going to get old and ugly as well.

 

[nageov3t]

bad news: you're going to get old and ugly too.

so unless you're super rich, prepare to be celibate after 40 if your view doesn't change.

 

[Roguestar]

Originally posted by: Alphathree33
I also KNOW for a fact that I am never *fully* satisfied unless I have a hot young woman in my life.

Chronic Internet Male Syndrome?

 

[kranky]

It certainly sounds like marriage is not for you, as long as you feel the way you do.

You can't have the "family experience" if you know your attraction is only temporary without hurting her, and your kids, and that would be selfish.

 

[FoBoT]

cliffs:

i am shallow and selfish

 

[nakedfrog]

So you've never been in love and/or don't understand it. Meh. Sucks to be you.

 

[dullard]

Originally posted by: Alphathree33
I'm not denying the value of a life-long partner. But I might as well just move in with my best friend and get the same effect -- seriously. We can adopt kids and watch movies together, just without the cuddling.

The difference between what you want there and marriage is a piece of paper. Get over your fear of a piece of paper and you'll still live life.

Of course men are attracted to women in their lower 20s. Most of us are, and most of us will be even when we are 70, 80, or 90 years old. We just get over it. That is what porn is for.

For a life-long partner, though, you need more than looks. Sure, you really should be attracted to her. But as you both age, she won't be as attractive. However, you'll have a life of memories, good times, and she'll know EXACTLY how to please you. You'll have similar tastes, interests, favorite music, etc.

Just like you probably have nothing in common with someone who is 80 years old now, when you are 80 you'll have nothing in common with the 20 year olds. You'll hate their clothes, you'll hate their hair, you'll hate their attitude. All of that will make them less attractive to you (but they'll still be attractive). But you won't want to date them because you hate their music, their movies, their language, etc. There is just something special about living with a person who has been exposed to the same pop-culture as you. That, and you'll be old and unattractive to them. Thus, like people above said, get accustomed to people closer to your age or be celebate for most of your life.

Me, I just went from an 11 year long relationship with a 9 to someone who is a 7. Sure, I realized I took a cut in attractiveness. But the way she treats me makes up for it by FAR.

 

[Homerboy]

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said by the above (and likely below) responses.
Everyone has summed up the OP perfectly.

 

[SoulAssassin]

Your priorities will change as you get older. I'm not married but at some point it changes from nice pair of ta-ta's to who is going to be a good mother to my kids and who is going to be there for me when I really need someone. I didn't think it would happen to me but it does. My girl, frankly speaking, is definitely not the hottest looking girl I've been with but I'm happier w her than with any of the girls with better bodies.

 

[49erinnc]

Originally posted by: Alphathree33
That's the *primary* thing that attracts me to a woman. Once a girl has that, then other things DEFINITELY come into play: are they sweet? caring? active? interesting?

But WITHOUT that primary attraction, none of those other things matter.

To each their own but for me, I'm far more attracted, initially, to personality, intelligence, sense of humor, our chemistry, etc. When those things are present, a girl can easily go from a 5 to a 9. Sure, looks play a role when you're at a bar and see someone across the room you may like to approach. But I've known "hot" girls who I found to be far less attractive after getting to know them and "average" girls who I found to be much hotter after getting to know them.

You're right about looks fading with age but those other characteristics will stick around much longer. And they are what helps make the relationship so great, not how hot she is. I have no problem spending the rest of my life with the same person, through the aging process. My SO will always be beautiful to me but that has to do more with what lies beneath the skin.

 

[Amused]

Originally posted by: nakedfrog
So you've never been in love and/or don't understand it. Meh. Sucks to be you.

Was just gonna post this.

 

[MmmSkyscraper]

Originally posted by: Alphathree33
But she will get older and then I will no longer be attracted to her. I've never met a woman over 35 that I have the slightest bit of attraction for.

I have. You're missing out

 

[Greenman]

When you grow up it will all make sense.

 

[paulxcook]

At least you're honest. No, you and others like you should not get married. Congrats on realizing it so you don't build a family and ruin their lives when you get tired of them.

 

[Double Trouble]

Nothing wrong with your point of view, at least you're honest about it and willing to reflect on it yourself.

You haven't fully gone through the maturing process yet. For most, it happens sometime in their 20's, but not for all, and some never go to the 'settle down' phase. When you mature, you realize that while the eye candy is important, there are other factors that are waaaaay more important to your ultimate fulfillment. Nothing wrong with having high standards, just keep in mind that the hands of time don't just impact women, they'll impact you just the same. So yes, when you're 55 you might still be attracted to a 19 year old, but she'll be busy dating some 20 year old guy.

After years of having a good time as a bachelor, I realized I wanted more than just superficial relationships. I found the woman that was the complete package, got married and we now have 2 kids. You quickly realize what you've been missing out on.

The truth is, 'settling down' is not for everyone. If you want to be a bachelor for life and have a good time, that's great too. I think most people just reach the point where they realize that when you get married and settle down you are not ending your fun, you are simply moving on to other things that can be even more fulfilling, but in a different way. They are more challenging and more rewarding than just dating different girls.

 

[daveshel]

Originally posted by: FoBoT
cliffs:

i am shallow and selfish

And not very literate. 'Loose their looks?'

 

[cherrytwist]

NEWSFLASH:

Marriage isn't for everybody*.










*disclaimer: Happily married for 5 years (together 10 years!)

 

[Alphathree33]

Originally posted by: daveshel

Originally posted by: FoBoT
cliffs:

i am shallow and selfish

And not very literate. 'Loose their looks?'

Maybe I meant their skin starts to hang? =)

 

[JulesMaximus]

I got news for you genius. You're going to get old too.

 

[vi edit]

At least you understand and accept your feelings. It's better than coming to this realization after a couple years of marriage and a kid or two.

 

[Aikouka]

It sounds like you're ignoring a "fact" of marriage. I put it in quotes, because out of theory, it should always be true, but it's not.

If you decide you want to marry this 8 or 9 girl with a nice overall personality, you should have deep feelings for her. At this point, you shouldn't just like this girl because she's a model or whatever.... There's no one to say that you won't ever look at another girl and go "she's pretty."

To me, it sounds like you have never actually loved someone... because if you did, you'd transcend over this idea of looks being important over time.