Oh boy.
OK look. Put your family history aside for a moment.
I'm a drinker. I admit it. I don't apologize for it. I don't make excuses for it. It worries my wife a bit, but as it stands right now she doesn't appear to be OVERLY concerned. Now, I don't drink because i'm unhappy. I don't drink because I hate life. I don't drink because my daddy didn't buy me that ice cream cone I really wanted when I was four years old.
I like to drink because I like being intoxicated, and drinking is the most legal and socially accepted way to BE intoxicated.
Some tips on how to be a good drinker:
1. The cardinal rule: Get drunk earlier so you have more time to sleep it off. Why? Well, if you're like me, you have obligations. If drinking interferes with your everyday obligations, guess what. You've got a drinking problem. If you make it to work on time, remember to pick the kids up/drop them off/get them dressed, and fulfill all the obligations your significant others expect of you and STILL manage to tie one on at night while maintaining a sunny disposition and without beating on your wife/kids/pets/walls, congratulations. You're a good drunk.
2. Stick to one thing. If beer's your thing, go for it. If liquor is your thing, keep it to the most CLEAR variety you can find. Hard liquors with a color tinge mean a bad hangover the next day. My favorite: Bacardi light rum. I can drink 2/3rds of a liter and still be fine the next morning. But I'll get dry heaves just from reading a tequila label. If you're swilling beer and start doing shots, chances are you're going to be very very drunk and very very useless the next day.
3. NEVER let your children see you drunk. NEVER EVER EVER. This requires no explanation, but for those of you who have the IQ of a small kitchen appliance, take heed: Your kids will resent you. If not now, definitely later on. It's ok to have a beer or three around them, just DO NOT get drunk until they're in bed.
4. Be responsible about it if you and your wife/husband are team drinkers. If your wife doesn't drink, hey, you're good to go. If little Timmy does a belly-flop onto the glass coffee table and requires more stitches than Frankenstein, at least your wife will be able to get everyone to the emergency room assuming an ambulance isn't required. Two drunks should never supervise children.
5. Try not to smoke excessively if you drink. I'm not a smoker, but I love having a cigarette or two when i'm drinking. If you gasp down half a pack of Marlboro reds during your little drinking stint, you're going to wake up the next morning wondering who dumped the ashtray in your mouth. And no amount of mouthwash in the world is going to fix it.
6. We all know that the liver is evil, and MUST be punished. However, it does not deserve to die. It needs a break from flogging. I have a very serious autoimmune disorder that requires I get regular blood tests. I've experimented a lot with how much time it takes for your liver to recover from a drinking binge. 4-6 days appears to be the common thread for me, and I drink about half a liter of rum 4-5 days a week. If I stop drinking for 4-6 complete days, my liver panel comes back perfect. If I wait 3 days, slightly elevated. If I drank the night before 2 nights ago, my liver panel comes back really wacky.
7. Chant the mantra: "A good drunk is a happy drunk." Being an angry, combative drunk will only ruin your drinking experience at a minimum and give you jail time at a maximum. It's much more difficult to drink when you have handcuffs on.
8. Never drive after you start. If you need to make a choice between staying home and getting sloshed or going out to a bar without a designated driver, invite some buddies over and get sloshed at home. It's that simple. You know why. Again, at a minimum - being caught means a suspended license and horrid insurance costs. At a maximum, vehicular homicide or suicide. You can't drink as effectively when you're broke from lawsuits, and you DEFINITELY can't drink when you're dead. So do yourself a favor. If you gotta drive, limit yourself to 2 drinks, and let the first one burn off over the course of an hour.
And oh yeah. I'm in the Northern NJ area if you're ever in town and want to stop by for a few drinks