Some Jokes....

[platinumike]

Caught on tape
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."

 

[platinumike]

A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the priest pounds the wall. The drunk yells back: "There ain't no use knockin?; there's no toilet paper on this side either."

 

[platinumike]

The amazing lift makeover
An Amish boy and his father visit a shopping centre for the first time. Everything they see blows their minds, especially a pair of shiny walls that keep sliding open and shut. Having never seen a lift before, the boy asks what it is. "Son," the father says, "I have never seen anything like this in my life." At that moment, a fat woman in a wheelchair rolls up and presses a button. The shiny walls open and she enters the tiny room behind them. The walls then close and the pair watch in awe as a set of sequential numbers light up above them. They continue to stare as the numbers then light up in reverse order. When the walls finally re-open, a gorgeous blonde woman steps out. "Son," the old man tells his boy, "run home and get your mother."

 

[Zysoclaplem]

:thumbsup:

 

[dabuddha]

First ones good. The other two are reruns

 

[new2AMD]

fix your sig

 

[platinumike]

Old man avoids light-fingering
A 95-year-old man enters a bar and approaches the sleaziest woman there." Have you ever tried having sex with an old man?" "No, I haven't," she admits, and the two head home, where the woman has the best sex ever. Afterward, the old man turns to her and says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, then we'll do it again. But while I'm sleeping, I need you to hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand." Confused, she agrees, and after 30mins, the old man wakes and they go at it - this time better than before. "That was wonderful," the old man says. "But if you let me sleep for an hour, again holding my genitals, we can have the best sex yet." The woman agrees, but she's curious. "Does holding your balls in my left hand and your penis in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" The old man shakes his head. "No, but last time I slept with a girl as skanky as you, she stole my wallet."

 

[platinumike]

A Mexican is strolling down the street and kicks a bottle lying in the gutter. Suddenly out pops a genie. The Mexican is stunned and the genie says, "I will grant you one wish." The Mexican begins thinking, and finally he says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want. Make me pee tequila." Genie then grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home he grabs a glass and wees in it. He takes a taste and it?s the best tequila he?s ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Mexican fills another glass. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she?s ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night he goes home from work and tells his wife to get out two glasses. He proceeds to fill them and the result is the same, and the couple drink until the sun comes up. It?s Friday and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuela, grab one glass and we will drink tequila." She grabs it and the Mexican begins to fill the glass but his wife asks him, "Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" He raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my little chiquita, you drink from the bottle.

 

[platinumike]

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other good night at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, the girl replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us for sure! Their bedroom is right upstairs!" "Oh come on! Who?s gonna see us at this hour?" he insists grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" the girl goes on. "Oh come on! There?s nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It?s just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much!" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can?t!" "Oh yes, you can. Please?" The argument goes on for about five minutes when suddenly out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl?s sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled. In a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mum says she can come down herself and do it. But for Heaven?s sake tell him to take his hand off the bloody intercom

 

[Zim Hosein]

Nice

Cheers platinumike :beer:

 

[platinumike]

:beer:

 

[platinumike]

lost man came upon a small house owned by an old Chinese man. "I?m lost," said the young man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," he replied, "but if you touch my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
The daughter appeared ? she was young, beautiful, and couldn?t keep her eyes off the visitor. So during the night, he snuck into her room for a night of passion.

In the morning he woke to feel pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note that read, "Chinese Torture #1: Large rock on chest." "That?s pretty lame," he thought. He then threw the boulder out the window. He then noticed another note: "Chinese Torture #2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he figured a few broken bones was better than castration, so he jumped out after it. As he plummeted he saw a large sign on the ground: "Chinese Torture #3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

 

[Mucho]

Originally posted by: dabuddha
First ones good. The other two are reruns

:thumbsup:

 

[Aharami]

haha they are all good!

 

[maziwanka]

i read the last one. the first two were pretty good

 

[platinumike]

this one is my fav:

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

 

[iamme]

:laugh:

thanks :thumbsup:

 

[platinumike]

yup

 

[knyghtbyte]

LOL .....a few of them were good, the drunk in church was the best, followed by the last one about the shopping.....hehe

 

[spiderrasmon]

a guy walks into a bar.... he says "ouch"

 

[knyghtbyte]

Originally posted by: spiderrasmon
a guy walks into a bar.... he says "ouch"

i was tempted to make that joke but refrained......

lol

 

[bluewall21]

Great collection.

 

[Fritzo]

Originally posted by: Mucho

Originally posted by: dabuddha
First ones good. The other two are reruns

:thumbsup:

Change to first one's good...ALL the others are reruns

 

[venk]

Originally posted by: platinumike
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other good night at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, the girl replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us for sure! Their bedroom is right upstairs!" "Oh come on! Who?s gonna see us at this hour?" he insists grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" the girl goes on. "Oh come on! There?s nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It?s just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much!" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can?t!" "Oh yes, you can. Please?" The argument goes on for about five minutes when suddenly out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl?s sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled. In a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mum says she can come down herself and do it. But for Heaven?s sake tell him to take his hand off the bloody intercom

Post a Link to the Video!

Other than that, good thread n00b! n00b++.

 

[ace up my sleeve]

You rock...now that is a posting.
Loved them all.