NetMeeting has built-in support for Messenger to connect, and vice-versa.
The video quality between your DV cam and a regular net cam will NOT be the same because of the software...they will be the same because they have the same specs, are made by the same manufacturer, etc. You will find that picture quality depends exclusively upon hardware quality. I've tested literally dozens of different cameras with NetMeeting. Some are great, some are mediocre, and some are worth the price of "free". My favorites were VideoLabs and Sony goosenecks (which require a capture card) followed by Intel USB (all-white...not blue/white) and 3Com HomeConnect USB.
Both parties do NOT have to have the same bandwidth. That is a myth. Plus, NetMeeting has a setup wizard which allows the user to specify his/her bandwidth settings, and it is also located in the Options menu. NetMeeting handles the bandwidth...it doesn't matter if you're T1 and the other person is 14.4. It will adjust. But it will have its best results with the fatest pipe you can give it.
The best capture cards for your cam would probably be an ATI Radeon AIW or Matrox Marvel. I personally use a Marvel. But I would also suggest you try using your current setup again, see if you can't get it to work (some people can). Head on up to ms.com, or got to
www.netmeet.net and look around for pointers. Good luck.