wife just had an affair

[crt1530]

It sounds to me like the guy cut her off...not that she decided to stop. If it was me, the locks would be changed and her affects would be strewn across the lawn. All further communication with her would be through my lawyer. I hope you don't have any children.

 

[fumbduck]

What kinda guy was it that she was sleeping with? Young/same? buff?

Also, dump her and make sure she gets nothing out of the marriage.
She could just be using stall tactics on you while she gets a divorce lawyer to take you for all you are worth.


Do you have any kids?

 

[Mill]

That fact that she works with him is incredibly damaging. It would be very hard to trust her again unless she changed jobs which may not be feasible if you have kids.

 

[Pokey007]

Once a cheater always a cheater that's what I've found out. I'm sorry that something so [forbidden word] like this happened to you, but obviously cheating is the manisfestation of larger relationship problems, essentially her disatisfaction with something. If you want to stay with her, which she doesn't really deserve then go to relationship counseling immediately. However, even if you totally forgive her most people still have an unconscious resentment towards that person and may want some sort of revenge.

 

[Daaavo]

Originally posted by: Soccer55

Originally posted by: Daaavo
Dude, seriously, if it was me, I couldn't put her to the curb fast enough.

Number#1, she betrayed you. And number#2, this supposedly "very religious" person broke one of the 10 commandments. At this point, you should not be surprised to come home and find her rattling around on the floor with some guy, like an electric football set.

Yes, but if he is very religious as well, it also says in the Bible to forgive (Matthew 18:21-22 for those of you that care.....John 8:1-12 has another story about forgiveness as well). Basically what it comes down to is their commitments to each other. Clearly, trust has been broken but it is possible for trust to be regained. As for actual advice, I would second other people's suggestions about seeking professional counseling and going from there.

-Tom

I would have no problem forigiving her. But only a year or so after me yelling, "Out, out, get the FSCK OUT!!!".


Although professional help may work for him, there is no way in hell I would ever be able to trust a person that betrayed me to such a degree. But that's just me.


-edit-


Although I would forgive her, I would never take her back.

 

[BigToque]

I've thought about it quite a bit and this is the decision I have come to if this situation were to ever happen to me.

If my girlfriend cheats on me one time, there is a chance I might forgive her. I totally love her and I would find it very difficult to just dump her. I would not say say for sure whether or not the relationship would continue, but I would think about it and try to find out what can be worked out.

If it happens two times (IE, if if happens two times, then tells me - like the above situation, or if it happens, then tells me, then it happens again), as lost as I would be without my girl, I would kick her to the curb without a second thought.

 

[0roo0roo]

before confession, suffering was on her. u were blissful in ignorance.
after, she felt a certain relief, but placed suffering on you.

who would it hurt if she never told u and never did it again

 

[gUEv]

without boring you with too much information...i have been in the same place as you, it was probably one of the most painful cracks of my heart that i ever experienced, the scar is still there today.

anyways, you cannot look to anywhere but inside yourself for the true, best answer of what to do. only you can truly evaulate your relationship, your trust, your pain and if it is really worth saving or not. People are so quick to reply "Dump her! / Forgive her!" but these people do not know you, they have not seen you and your wife together for almost a decade. Your friends and family can be insightful and helpful, but the solution will come from within you. It should not be a hasty one, it might not hit you for a month, or more. It's not a trivial one, you need to think it over.

at the risk of running onto another tangent, a lot of the "advice" i see posted seems incredibly ignorant, coming from a vast collective of timid and pathetic inexperience. I'm guessing that you might want to take the average ATOT'ers girl advice with a grain (or 4) of salt. I am just guessing that the majority of people on this forum have not found and nurtured a loving relationship for as long as you, if at all.

Anyways, that is all I can tell you. The pain burns and throbs terribly now, but the inevitable hands of time will always soothe, even if you might not believe that right now. Think over, relflect. Alone, with friends, with her, or with a counselor. The right choice will come to you.


Good luck, keep your head up.

 

[tkdkid]

Oh so many people have asked but I forgot to respond, no we don't have any kids.

We've been talking and it's kind of the same old story. She feels unappreciated.... That we don't flirt much with each other anymore, or that we don't act like crazy teenagers in love apparently bothers her. We do have a fair share of that, but when you get older, it's just different, you know? She has very poor self esteem...she never thought anybody else would ever like her like I did when we started going out, and this guy did and she just went with it.

We're still young, 26 and 27.... I change my mind every 5 seconds. I am hurt on the deepest level possible, I just want her to leave and never see her again. At the same time, I still love her and hope to work it out.... Well, professional counseling is something we've agreed on. No idea what to do in the meantime.

 

[SaigonK]

Originally posted by: tkdkid
Oh so many people have asked but I forgot to respond, no we don't have any kids. We've been talking and it's kind of the same old story. She feels unappreciated.... That we don't flirt much with each other anymore, or that we don't act like crazy teenagers in love apparently bothers her. We do have a fair share of that, but when you get older, it's just different, you know? She has very poor self esteem...she never thought anybody else would ever like her like I did when we started going out, and this guy did and she just went with it. We're still young, 26 and 27.... I change my mind every 5 seconds. I am hurt on the deepest level possible, I just want her to leave and never see her again. At the same time, I still love her and hope to work it out.... Well, professional counseling is something we've agreed on. No idea what to do in the meantime.

WOW! I am sorry man, i am going through a divorce but there was nothing like this in our situation.
I would seek counseling if you want to work it out, if you dont feel like you do then now ould be a good time to seek a lawyer.

Also, does she know what she wants? Does she want to be with you or someone else? I know thats a tough question, but it is something she needs to answer for you and herself.
The worst thing is a repeat performance, are you willing to fogive her? Are you willing to change for her?
It would be allot worse to forgive her and then find out that you didnt change enough and that she did it again...it would be even worse if you didnt try to work it out.


This is a tough one, if it were me I know i would leave...but I would still love her and want to be with her. But of course looking at her every day I would think for a long time
"where is she going? What is she doing? Is she with someone again?"

 

[Gulzakar]

The bottom line is this...

will you ever be able to fully trust her again? You may be able to forgive, but you will never be able to forget...you might spend more time thinking about her cheating... who knows.

Personally, I don't put up with that stuff...but YMMV

 

[NickelTitanium]

If you don't have kids, then leave her. 8 years is a very long time and this makes it even more unforgiveable. Move on. Counseling does not work. If you stay with her, then I guarantee you that you will cheat on her...

 

[NickelTitanium]

If you don't have kids, then leave her. 8 years is a very long time and this makes it even more unforgiveable. Move on. Counseling does not work. If you stay with her, then I guarantee you that you will cheat on her...

 

[Walleye]

that sucks...

i dont know what i'd do in your situation. my best advice is to kick her ass to the curb, but i dont know if i'd have the heart to do that.

 

[jinduy]

you're still a young cat...

 

[Kadarin]

I'm waiting to see if luvly pops into this thread to analyze things and tell him it's all entirely his fault for not maintaining the spice and romance in the relationship.

In reality... His sense of trust will be broken, and possibly forever. Even if he goes the professional counseling route and tries to put things back together, he will always feel that sense of anguish, even years and years from now, and he will always feel that jealousy and mistrust when she's out with her friends or otherwise out of his sight. Even if they do stay together, unless the relationship dynamics change a lot, she will continue to feel unappreciated and will continue to miss that romance and spice. What happens the next time she meets a guy where the sexual chemistry really clicks?

 

[TwinkleToes77]

Originally posted by: Astaroth33
I'm waiting to see if luvly pops into this thread to analyze things and tell him it's all entirely his fault for not maintaining the spice and romance in the relationship.

In reality... His sense of trust will be broken, and possibly forever. Even if he goes the professional counseling route and tries to put things back together, he will always feel that sense of anguish, even years and years from now, and he will always feel that jealousy and mistrust when she's out with her friends or otherwise out of his sight. Even if they do stay together, unless the relationship dynamics change a lot, she will continue to feel unappreciated and will continue to miss that romance and spice. What happens the next time she meets a guy where the sexual chemistry really clicks?

i thought luvly quit ?

 

[tk149]

Really Sorry to hear that, tkdkid.

I'm glad you've decided to get counseling. In the meanwhile, I would suggest you get some space. Just temporarily, while you clear your head. Go on a trip and see a good friend.

Only you can decide if you can forgive her. If the same thing happened to me, I couldn't.

Also, it doesn't really sound like she's very sorry, or that she's promised that it'll never happen again. Maybe she really wants a divorce, but for whatever reasons (e.g. guilt), doesn't want to take the first step herself? Start looking for a good lawyer now, so you don't get blindsided. If you do stay together, make sure she gets tested for STD's.

Be strong, you're still young, and consider that even if she was "the One" when you married her, she may not be "the One" now.

 

[Walleye]

Originally posted by: TwinkleToes77

Originally posted by: Astaroth33
I'm waiting to see if luvly pops into this thread to analyze things and tell him it's all entirely his fault for not maintaining the spice and romance in the relationship.

In reality... His sense of trust will be broken, and possibly forever. Even if he goes the professional counseling route and tries to put things back together, he will always feel that sense of anguish, even years and years from now, and he will always feel that jealousy and mistrust when she's out with her friends or otherwise out of his sight. Even if they do stay together, unless the relationship dynamics change a lot, she will continue to feel unappreciated and will continue to miss that romance and spice. What happens the next time she meets a guy where the sexual chemistry really clicks?

i thought luvly quit ?

god i hope she did.

 

[TallBill]

heh, no way i'd stay with someone that did that to me.

 

[gUEv]

why do i get the feeling that most of the people saying "8 years or no 8 years, i dont put up with that stuff", "counseling doesnt work", "dump the tramp if you dont have kids" etc

are... antisocial virgins?!

just thought i'd throw that out there...

 

[Walleye]

Originally posted by: gUEv
why do i get the feeling that most of the people saying "8 years or no 8 years, i dont put up with that stuff", "counseling doesnt work", "dump the tramp if you dont have kids" etc

are... antisocial virgins?!

just thought i'd throw that out there...

i conceded that i might not have the willpower to throw her out.

and yes, i am an anti-social virgin.

 

[jpeyton]

Honestly, it sounds like you need some time away from your wife. If she still does love you, she'll come back. Otherwise, move on.

 

[tkdkid]

She is sorry...she hasn't stopped crying since she told me. She's been verbally chastising herself about how she's ruined her whole life. She says that 'it didn't meant anything' and that she still loves me and wants to be with me.

She won't have anywhere to go if I tell her to just leave. Her Dad is in Miami, her mother is in Panama. She won't make enough money at her new job to support herself and she says she doesn't want to live alone anyway. Does all that make a difference to me? Well.....yeah it seems like it does. If she had a well paying job or some friends to stay with, I (most likely) would have told her to just leave.

All of my goals since we met have been to make a better future for ourselves. I can't envision the future without her. We've really been a family together for quite some time. This is just the worst thing to ever happen to me.

As much as I want to just forgive and forget, I honestly don't think I can. Notice the frequent flipflopping of emotions.....I love her and want to be with her but how can I after this? Anyway, I suppose I've used up my emotional blabbering quota here at ATOT, thanks all for listening and for your advice.

 

[DaWhim]

nvm....
it is really hard to make the decision.