tkdkid, since you mentioned that you were religious, I will presume you're a Christian, so I thought I would give you the perspective of another Christian on the issue. If you are not a Christian, please forgive me for making the wrong presumption.
First of all, I cannot begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling right now. I would probably be entertaining some pretty crazy thoughts if I were put in your position, but as an outsider who believes in his God, I can tell you that God always provides comfort, especially in times like this. God also provides the strength to forgive myself and others, no matter how badly I have been hurt, which in turn enables me to make the right decision. Forgiving will of course not ease the pain instantly, but it will open up the path to reconciliation, redemption and healing. Your wife needs to know, of course, how much she has hurt you. Forgiveness does not mean playing down the seriousness of her sin. But, and under the current circumstances this might sound insensitive, but you also should try to communicate with her somehow that you have not given up on her completely and that you forgive her. Our God never stops forgiving his children, and so his children, who are led by his spirit, are also capable of forgiving even the gravest of sins.
Ultimately, I am sure you will be able to forgive her, whether your marriage survives this tragedy or not - although I hope it will. When I married my wife, I knew I was marrying the right person, the one and only woman for me, but I was also aware that she was not perfect and that she MIGHT make some mistakes that could cause me pain. However, I also know that her love for me is 100% real, and that she would never desire to hurt me. Conversely, I am acutely aware of my own imperfections and can only hope that no matter how much I may hurt her in the future because of my weaknesses, she will always be willing to forgive me, remembering that I do really love her and I am striving to be a loving, caring husband for her. If she does ever cheat on me (which I seriously doubt, but so have many others...), I hope that God will then give me the strength to forgive her and help her overcome her weakness, because even if she did commit adultery, that still would not change the fact that she IS the right person for me. I believed this when I married her, I believe it now, and I know my belief will not falter.
If you are indeed a Christian, I very highly suggest talking to a pastor or another strong, mature Christian you can confide in. I would also recommend first seeking counselling through your church, they will most likely know a good marriage counsellor other couples in your congregation have gone to in the past.
Originally posted by: tkdkidOh so many people have asked but I forgot to respond, no we don't have any kids.
Please do not let this affect your decision. No kids should not mean that the marriage can be broken up with less consideration.
We've been talking and it's kind of the same old story. She feels unappreciated.... That we don't flirt much with each other anymore, or that we don't act like crazy teenagers in love apparently bothers her. We do have a fair share of that, but when you get older, it's just different, you know? She has very poor self esteem...she never thought anybody else would ever like her like I did when we started going out, and this guy did and she just went with it.
Being married myself I am very aware of how important it is for my wife that I show her my love and appreciation in any way possible. It might be something as simple as giving her a big hug for no reason, to telling her very often how beautiful she is, to asking her how her day went and then listening - with honest interest - to her account of daily challenges, even when I have no strength left in me after a busy day. My observations might be incorrect due to my limited life experiences, but I think it's generally true that women are more generous with showing their affection, which men end up taking for granted (but would sorely miss if not receiving enough of it), while men tend to think there is no need to tell their wives how much they are loved since that is a given seeing how they are married and all, so wives usually end up shortchanged and feeling underappreciated. It IS the same old story, except that the same old story holds quite a bit of truth. I am in no way trying to imply that you are partially guilty for her affair by not showering her with love. Far from it, she is fully responsible for her infidelity. But you said you really loved her, so I presume that if you knew it was possible, you would want to work on fixing your relationship. In that case, it is very important to remember that by making an extra effort in showing your love to your wife, you WILL give her self-esteem a bigger boost than any self-help book or counsellor ever could, and she will never be in a position where she might be tempted to look elsewhere. Sure, you have to put extra effort into the relationship, but there's no question whether the effort is worth it or not. It is a sacrifice all men should be willing to make for their wives. And as a Christians we ARE called to hold up the weaker brother/sister.
Again, if you aren't a Christian, please disregard the irrelevant bits.
God bless you and your wife.