wife just had an affair

[m2kewl]

twice and not drinking? dump the boyeetch...

 

[Red Dawn]

Before you dump her make sure you exact somje revenge from the wanker who was putting the screws to her. Let your imagination run wild

 

[dababus]

ditto red dawn , i said that earlier and say that again too.

 

[aircooled]

Unless she is willing to let you sleep around also, it's time to move on...

 

[Red Dawn]

Originally posted by: dababus
ditto red dawn , i said that earlier and say that again too.

Really, some guy doing your wife is one of the biggest disses that can happen to you by someone.

 

[dababus]

tkdkid bro, I believe you need to find some empathetic listener, not a sympathatic listener in this situation, a counselor or any person you always trusted. you need someone who can understand what are you exactly going through not some one who view your situation for his or her personal frame of reference.

If I posted something disturbing, I apologize. But my hopes and prayers are with you to get your situation resolved peacefully.

 

[iwearnosox]

Ask to give her a dirty sanchez as forgiveness then once you're finished change your mind and leave.

 

[edro]

Did you ask her what all happened? Like, did they have sex? Intercourse? Un protected? protected? just playing around? just kissing?

That would make a difference in my book.

 

[iwearnosox]

Originally posted by: edro13
Did you ask her what all happened? Like, did they have sex? Intercourse? Un protected? protected? just playing around? just kissing?

That would make a difference in my book.

He mentioned tea bagging about 40 posts ago I think.

 

[dababus]

lol sifl over dirty sanchez. hahahah.

 

[Christoph]

It's interesting how most people here recommend dumping her, yet in real life the majority of marriages do not end after an affair.

Some sites with articles and forums dealing with affairs:

Emily Brown's Affairs Help. She would probably categorize this as a "conflict avoidance affair"

Willard Harley's http://marriagebuilders.com/. Lots of talk about emotional needs.

Peggy Vaughan's Dear Peggy. Articles based on her research, practice, and own experience.

 

[edro]

Giving him mental images of different positions probably isn't helping much...

 

[Haps]

How much of that crying is guilt caused and how much of it is fear of losing her living situation. She might be paranoid now and saying anything she can because she needs you. But 6 months from now when she has a new better joib and can break free she just might do so.

What would bother me about the whole situation is not really the sex but the emotional stuff and the fact that I obviously know nothiong about my wife. Who the hell is she that she could bring herself to this. I can't picture my wife even doing this. If she did it wouldn't be someone I know.

I have asked myself if what I would do in the situation. I have said and thought that I would leave. But there is so much at stake if the relationship was good. I suppose I won't know how I would react until I was in that situation.

 

[bozack]

Sorry Tk to hear about your situation, while I am in no way learned enough to give you a truly helpful suggestion I felt I would at least chime in with the rest of the crowd and push for professional counselling and also legal assistance and fast.....

Also with regards to a few other posts, I saw some question Twinkle's mention of transferrence of guilt when the wife told her husband what was going on, sorry all but this is a case scenerio and has been thoroughly reasearched...the wife was not telling him because she was a great person, or just wanted to be honest, or had sincere moral convictions...if this were the case she would have come forward before the affair and discussed the situation with him, instead she was transferring her guilt, she was living with a lie and couldn't deal with it, told him which absolved her of keeping her secret and freed her from having to hold it in....do a few net searches and you will come up with tons of info.

I think TK that is you do truly *love* her then you will ultimately forgive her as love cannot be undone and if you do love her then you cannot be without her...however with that said even if you do love her and are ready to forgive you have to see what your situation is and what the chances are of a repeat scenerio and also how you will be able to handle it....from what you are saying it sounds as if while she does feel bad, she is still trying to justify her actions by blaming it on the flame leaving the relationship...I agree with another poster when they say that chances are high she will do the same again when the next guy comes around who shows interest, especially due to her low esteem issues...

I also agree with Skroob with re. the whole butterfly bs issue, I think media, movies and the like give people are truly distorted view of love and or working relationships...heck watch any chick movie and you will see the people are automatically in love and everything rocks all the time....IMHO this couldn't be further from the truth than anything for most....

Personally I would distance myself from her now, don't let her potential situation effect your decisions with regards to living accomodations....she decided to cheat so now she should pay a little not you, she is more than capable of getting a hotel room or something for the time being even if it is on your dime....either that or you go move out and get some space, air and time to think...honestly you are really really lucky that you don't have any kids as that would make things far more difficult....

Also try to work at the councelling and see how it goes, at least for the fact that it will look good on your behalf in divorce court if it ever comes down to that...good luck.

also a great site for this kind of question is:

www.consciousloving.com

Also if you do stay together I fully agree with getting the "free sex pass" x2 for you ....on a personal note were you two married before having sex? or were you both experienced before? if the former then I could somewhat more easily understand her actions, if the latter then I still understand but would have an easier time forgiving if it was a matter of experimentation.

they have some good forums with people who are really willing to help

 

[AMCRambler]

You guys have been together for 8 years, thats a long time. It's probably even been longer since you went out before you got married. You can't just throw all that away because she slept with somebody else. Yeah it hurts like hell, but you have to realize she didn't go sleep with the guy because she loved him. She obviously loves you because she told you. She slept with someone else out of physical need and that's not nearly as bad as if she didn't love you anymore. I think you guys can work through it. You've got to deal with her physical needs though. Are you guys going through a dry stretch in the bedroom? If so you gotta remedy that. She shouldn't be looking elsewhere for this kind of attention. I think you need to forgive her and then sweep her off feet, take a nice vacation with her some place like Aruba, something exotic, romance her, make her realize that even though she did what she did, nothing is going to change how you feel about her. I can only imagine how bad you feel right now, but you've got to get past it and move on. Don't lose a good thing.

 

[Alexadi]

I hope you too find a way to make up. 8 years really should amount to something more than two nights.

 

[y2kc]

Originally posted by: Red Dawn
Before you dump her make sure you exact somje revenge from the wanker who was putting the screws to her. Let your imagination run wild

Not worth it. Of course the desire to do such a thing is understandable, but realistically speaking what is accomplished by confronting or attempting to harm this person? The need to feed an ego that has taken a hit because you were cheated on? I don't care what you do to the guy it doesn't change the fact that he slept with her.

Keep in mind that his wife was not raped, she was a willing participant, and quite frankly if his anger is directed towards anyone it should be his wife (I am not saying he should hit or abuse her in any way). She broke the wedding vows, she allowed herself to be seduced, and ultimately she voluntarily dropped her panties and assumed the position knowing all the while that she had a husband at home.

I am not absolving the guy here, he could have walked away, but why the hell should he care (about her marriage) if she doesn't. In the end you still have to deal with the pain and suffering and try to pick up the pieces of your life (whether you opt out or stay). To compound that with having to deal with the backlash of getting some (misguided) "revenge" (arrest, possible lawsuit) is, in my opinion, ludicrous.

 

[JEDI]

Originally posted by: tkdkid
Happy new year, huh? Well she just told me that two weeks ago she screwed some guy from work. Got off early and went to his place. Then did it again another day. I never considered that she would do something like that. She's never been that kind of person. We've openly criticized other couples for sleeping around. Our relationship has been great for over 8 years. We're very religious and very honest with each other. I have no idea what to do.

She says she sorry and she doesn't know what she was thinking. She still loves me very much. I'm lost.

divorse the b1tch

 

[StageLeft]

How much of that crying is guilt caused and how much of it is fear of losing her living situation. She might be paranoid now and saying anything she can because she needs you. But 6 months from now when she has a new better joib and can break free she just might do so.

Very true. Also, she is still working with this guy, right? Eitherway, that would HAVE to stop. That goes without saying.

 

[badmouse]

Hi, sorry :beer: . I've been there.

Like it or not, you've stepped into a new reality in your marriage and you can never go back. The question now is NOT dump or forgive. It's what is important to you, what is important to your wife, what is important to both of you. You both now have to live with the reality of what happened.

The fantasy of the perfect marriage is very strong. It's over for her and she thought she was trying to recapture some of that early excitement. It's over for you now because of what happened. Oh well, perfect marriage is a fantasy anyway - real marriages weather all sorts of storms.

Change is inevitable. Things have changed in a big way, and it will take you some time to sort out your feelings and priorities and decide what is important to you.

Trust/not trust is important, but it's not everything. Is trust the ONLY thing you like about her? I hope not! The other things you love are still there. Imagine if you found out she had cancer - would you dump her because she's not the same person she had been before? This isn't the same thing as cancer, but it's as much of a change.

Only you can decide what to do, and it won't be easy to figure out. Find someone comfortable and non-judgmental to talk to and get this stuff out of your head and into your heart. It WILL get better but it takes time.

You have to accept that things happened. Only then can you start working out what to do next.

You DO have to get to a Dr. right away.

 

[NetGuySC]

First of all, when she told you she transferred guilt from herself to you ... that is why it should not be told .. if you play then carry the burden on your own back don't put it on your spouses back.

If you did decide to stay with her, she would definetely have to find another job

but being that it happened twice .. with the same fellah i assume... then she appears to be falling for him.

That's my guess

 

[StageLeft]

Anybody ask if they used protection?

 

[Hammer]

it sounds like you're not ready to give her up from what you've said. if you do forgive her, make counseling a condition.

 

[y2kc]

Originally posted by: AMCRambler
You guys have been together for 8 years, thats a long time. It's probably even been longer since you went out before you got married. You can't just throw all that away because she slept with somebody else. Yeah it hurts like hell, but you have to realize she didn't go sleep with the guy because she loved him. She obviously loves you because she told you. She slept with someone else out of physical need and that's not nearly as bad as if she didn't love you anymore. I think you guys can work through it. You've got to deal with her physical needs though. Are you guys going through a dry stretch in the bedroom? If so you gotta remedy that. She shouldn't be looking elsewhere for this kind of attention. I think you need to forgive her and then sweep her off feet, take a nice vacation with her some place like Aruba, something exotic, romance her, make her realize that even though she did what she did, nothing is going to change how you feel about her. I can only imagine how bad you feel right now, but you've got to get past it and move on. Don't lose a good thing.

Correct me if i'm wrong but it sounds like you're saying that it's his fault. He neglected her and she only acted out of a need left unfulfilled? now he should wine and dine and sweep this woman off of her feet?

wrong.

This is not his fault. If she had needs that were unfulfilled she should have expressed them to her husband and if he chose not to fulfill them she should have left the relationship.

 

[Gooberlx2]

Originally posted by: dababus
kick that guy's a$$ who take your wife to his place. Some people don't care about stepping over other people's territory and need to be taught a lesson.

I have to agree with this. Would it fall under the whole "act of passion" kind of defense?