wife just had an affair

[StageLeft]

Originally posted by: Gooberlx2

Originally posted by: dababus
kick that guy's a$$ who take your wife to his place. Some people don't care about stepping over other people's territory and need to be taught a lesson.

I have to agree with this. Would it fall under the whole "act of passion" kind of defense?

Probably it would fall under the "pre meditated" kind of defense, considering it would have been posted here Acts of passion are spur of the moment sort of things. You can't say "That guy slighted my wife. I'm so enraged!" and then spend 5 weeks planning someone's murder!

 

[Zombie]

how do you fix something like this ? May be you should ask her what she would do if it was you who had cheated. You can forgive her but that doesn't mean you have to stay married either.

goodluck.

 

[Mookow]

Originally posted by: Gooberlx2

Originally posted by: dababus
kick that guy's a$$ who take your wife to his place. Some people don't care about stepping over other people's territory and need to be taught a lesson.

I have to agree with this. Would it fall under the whole "act of passion" kind of defense?

I think that defense gets ruled out when cut open his scrotum, deep fry his still attached balls, and feed them to him. But that's why part of the plan should be "Don't get caught". Of course, if you do get caught, who in prison is going to screw with the guy who can say "last time someone f*cked with me, I fried his balls like mozzarella sticks and fed them to him with some fava beans and a nice Chianti"?

 

[T2T III]

Originally posted by: Skoorb

How much of that crying is guilt caused and how much of it is fear of losing her living situation. She might be paranoid now and saying anything she can because she needs you. But 6 months from now when she has a new better joib and can break free she just might do so.

Very true. Also, she is still working with this guy, right? Eitherway, that would HAVE to stop. That goes without saying.

Actually, he stated that the job for his wife was seasonal - so, she doesn't work with the guy or at the place anymore.

 

[tkdkid]

Just a few things from questions that have come up. I have no idea how much of her crying is because she knows that she might lose me, and how much is because she feels truly bad about what she did.

She doesn't have the job anymore, she was seasonal. She said that she stopped talking to the guy after the second time because she realized how idiotic it was of her to do it twice. So she says that it's over and that it will never happen again with anybody else. Obviously, I think anybody in her situation would say the same, so it's really impossible to tell what might happen in the future.

 

[NFS4]

I feel sorry for you man

 

[StageLeft]

Obviously, I think anybody in her situation would say the same, so it's really impossible to tell what might happen in the future.

That's true. Only you can gauge - or try to gauge - how truthful she's being.

 

[y2kc]

Originally posted by: tkdkid
Just a few things from questions that have come up. I have no idea how much of her crying is because she knows that she might lose me, and how much is because she feels truly bad about what she did.

She doesn't have the job anymore, she was seasonal. She said that she stopped talking to the guy after the second time because she realized how idiotic it was of her to do it twice. So she says that it's over and that it will never happen again with anybody else. Obviously, I think anybody in her situation would say the same, so it's really impossible to tell what might happen in the future.

I've been where you are, I understand your pain. This is going to take a very long time to accept and get over. You are in shock still and there's quite a few more stages of grief that you are going to have to go through.

good luck.

 

[Jadow]

I'd say its time to start new. If you can't trust her after 8 years of marriage, what difference will there be at 15 or 20 years.

 

[DurocShark]

From someone who's been in the exact same position: I forgave mine, but it hurt like hell for a long time.

Is she worth the pain? That's up to you.

 

[DeadByDawn]

I couldn't live with something like that. Kick her out, tell her family what she did, burn her stuff in the front yard.

 

[Quixfire]

tkdkid, regardless of what you deicide is right for you and your wife there are a few logical things to take care of first.

1. 1) Have your wife and yourself, if you have been with her since the affair, tested for any STD.
   2) Have your wife tested for pregnancy.
   3) Have her enroll in consoling, hopefully with a Christian therapist, to help resolve her personal problems.
   4) Read what Palek said, he has a lot of good information in his post.

Understand that you are not the problem; your wife needs to solve her problems and learn to accept who she is. If you still feel the need to love her then do so, this is a very scary time for her.

What ever you decide to do, remember you did nothing wrong.

God Bless and I will be praying for you and your wife,
Quixfire

 

[Goosemaster]

Originally posted by: TechnoKid
I think it's good in a sense that she actually told [the truth to] you instead of covering it up/hiding it and what not.

Confession does not by definition justify or exonerate the guilty.

 

[SP33Demon]

Originally posted by: tkdkid
Just a few things from questions that have come up. I have no idea how much of her crying is because she knows that she might lose me, and how much is because she feels truly bad about what she did.

She doesn't have the job anymore, she was seasonal. She said that she stopped talking to the guy after the second time because she realized how idiotic it was of her to do it twice. So she says that it's over and that it will never happen again with anybody else. Obviously, I think anybody in her situation would say the same, so it's really impossible to tell what might happen in the future.

Yes, it probably is hard to tell why she was crying... more out of fear or remorse?

From experience, it seems like she was too immature to get married at 18. You two were still KIDS, and maybe you knew what you wanted in a mate, and maybe she thought she did too. But it seems that she may have questioned if she got married too early and didn't "test the waters" so to speak. She wanted to see what else was out there, if the grass was greener on the other side (if she could find someone better than you) and she got burned.

IMO, I don't think she is worthy of your love. Her love to you was not unconditional, she was weak and acted in a manner of that of someone single, completely disrespecting your vows to one another. The excitement and rush of being bad/rebellious overcame her love for you. It was an impulse that she acted on, and could do again...

I would not trust her ever again, I could not get over the fact that she desecrated the marraige in the worst way, letting a man she didn't even know, penetrate her. Kissing and touching are one thing (forgivable), but a whole other thought process has to be reached for sex. Many articles of clothing have to come off for sex, and after each one down to her panties she could have said NO I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS, I'M MARRIED. To come home and talk with you (and hopefully not sleep with you my God) and act as if nothing has happened and do it again is absolutely deplorable.

I was just recently on the other end, a married woman was pursuing me, and even though we kissed/touched my morals wouldn't allow me to have sex with her. I called the husband up and told him, and he thanked me, and they got counseling. If I had repeatedly had sex with her I don't think he would have chosen counseling and they would have been divorced.

Good luck, I hope you do what you feel is right in your heart.

 

[Rufio]

Originally posted by: AMCRambler
You guys have been together for 8 years, thats a long time. It's probably even been longer since you went out before you got married. You can't just throw all that away because she slept with somebody else. Yeah it hurts like hell, but you have to realize she didn't go sleep with the guy because she loved him. She obviously loves you because she told you. She slept with someone else out of physical need and that's not nearly as bad as if she didn't love you anymore. I think you guys can work through it. You've got to deal with her physical needs though. Are you guys going through a dry stretch in the bedroom? If so you gotta remedy that. She shouldn't be looking elsewhere for this kind of attention. I think you need to forgive her and then sweep her off feet, take a nice vacation with her some place like Aruba, something exotic, romance her, make her realize that even though she did what she did, nothing is going to change how you feel about her. I can only imagine how bad you feel right now, but you've got to get past it and move on. Don't lose a good thing.

no offense, but you are an idiot.

she cheated on him, and it's his fault? now he has to take her on a romantic vacation!???!

Hey, i cheated on my husband, we're going to Aruba now!

There should be no excuse to her cheating. so what if she doesn't feel romantic anymore? bring it up -- it's called a CONVERSATION. don't go hook up w/a dude TWICE.

anyway, tkdkid:
I've been w/my girl for almost 10 years, and i honestly don't know waht i would do in that situation. i'd turn to my friends and get professional help. you're in a tough situation...but be careful. get a lawyer at least!

 

[TommyVercetti]

Originally posted by: tkdkid
She is sorry...she hasn't stopped crying since she told me. She's been verbally chastising herself about how she's ruined her whole life. She says that 'it didn't meant anything' and that she still loves me and wants to be with me.

She won't have anywhere to go if I tell her to just leave. Her Dad is in Miami, her mother is in Panama. She won't make enough money at her new job to support herself and she says she doesn't want to live alone anyway. Does all that make a difference to me? Well.....yeah it seems like it does. If she had a well paying job or some friends to stay with, I (most likely) would have told her to just leave.

All of my goals since we met have been to make a better future for ourselves. I can't envision the future without her. We've really been a family together for quite some time. This is just the worst thing to ever happen to me.

As much as I want to just forgive and forget, I honestly don't think I can. Notice the frequent flipflopping of emotions.....I love her and want to be with her but how can I after this? Anyway, I suppose I've used up my emotional blabbering quota here at ATOT, thanks all for listening and for your advice.

If I was in her situation, I would have done the same exact thing, cry my head off so that I could get a little bit of sympathy because if I don't the easy life is up for me. You sure that is not drama?

 

[JackDawkins]

Ouch. The seven year itch strikes again. That sucks. Has she always been this selfish? Is she selfish in general? She was selfish to have the affair and selfish again to tell you about it. That's what I would be thinking about, because if she is, then I would have to think that she'll give in to her selfishness again some time. If not, then you can probably move on, but she owes you a threesome with her girlfriend.

 

[Gravity]

Dude, that's so very cold!

q]Originally posted by: NFS4
I feel sorry for you man[/quote]

 

[MikeyIs4Dcats]

Originally posted by: tkdkid
Oh so many people have asked but I forgot to respond, no we don't have any kids.

We've been talking and it's kind of the same old story. She feels unappreciated.... That we don't flirt much with each other anymore, or that we don't act like crazy teenagers in love apparently bothers her. We do have a fair share of that, but when you get older, it's just different, you know? She has very poor self esteem...she never thought anybody else would ever like her like I did when we started going out, and this guy did and she just went with it.

We're still young, 26 and 27.... I change my mind every 5 seconds. I am hurt on the deepest level possible, I just want her to leave and never see her again. At the same time, I still love her and hope to work it out.... Well, professional counseling is something we've agreed on. No idea what to do in the meantime.

I was in the exact same situation as you, except the first couple of times became many, even after she told me about it. We were together 5 years. It hurt like hell, and I didn't think I'd make it, but letting go was the best thing I ever did. Now I'm much happier and have a great girl!

 

[Goosemaster]

Originally posted by: tkdkid
Oh so many people have asked but I forgot to respond, no we don't have any kids.

We've been talking and it's kind of the same old story. She feels unappreciated.... That we don't flirt much with each other anymore, or that we don't act like crazy teenagers in love apparently bothers her. We do have a fair share of that, but when you get older, it's just different, you know? She has very poor self esteem...she never thought anybody else would ever like her like I did when we started going out, and this guy did and she just went with it.

We're still young, 26 and 27.... I change my mind every 5 seconds. I am hurt on the deepest level possible, I just want her to leave and never see her again. At the same time, I still love her and hope to work it out.... Well, professional counseling is something we've agreed on. No idea what to do in the meantime.

From you have divulged, it seems as if both are you are friends. While she did invalidate the a marriage clause by having slept around, you should attempt to keep the friendship alive.

Mariage is many times looked upon as the holy grail of relashionships because of the trust involved emotionally and physically.

Please consider the viability of divorce and a continued friendship

 

[Nitemare]

Bout time to tap her mom a time or two, preferably recorded and accidentally leaving the tape in the VCR

If her mom is fugly, do her best friend or sister.

 

[TekDemon]

Originally posted by: TwinkleToes77

Originally posted by: caitlion

Originally posted by: TwinkleToes77

Originally posted by: jjsole

Originally posted by: TwinkleToes77
So what was the point in telling you? what good did it do for you? Shes a weak person who couldnt handle her own guilt and had to hurt you to get it out of her system to make her feel better.

uhm...oh tay, the relationship would be better off a lie. That makes a lot of sense.

no i didnt say that. But the only reason she confessed was because she couldnt handle feeling guilty. If shes going to have a lapse in judgement she should atleast be able to live with the consequences.

Im sorry it happened. One time is a get it out of my system "oops i totally fvcked up" ...two times she totally knew what she was doing. Maybe she should have thought about his feelings BEFORE she did it. She didnt think shed feel guilty?

or maybe she just wanted to be honest with him. honesty is sometimes important in relationsips.

as is TRUST.. now where does that leave him?

I'd MUCH rather find out from the woman than from other people...and that's the sort of thing that eventually happens otherwise(well a lot of times anyway).

As for forgiveness...that's really a personal decision...if the marriage has been good and you've had some great times...I dunno...the scars might hurt a lot, but if there's still something worth the hurting for...

And yeah, what's with these insano threads...damn the women! =p

 

[Pliablemoose]

She said that she stopped talking to the guy after the second time because she realized how idiotic it was of her to do it twice.

Translation: She stopped talking to the guy after she realized he wouldn't leave his wife & or hook up with her on a more permenant basis (if he's single).

What's the guy's marital status?

 

[MikeyIs4Dcats]

Originally posted by: Pliablemoose

She said that she stopped talking to the guy after the second time because she realized how idiotic it was of her to do it twice.

Translation: She stopped talking to the guy after she realized he wouldn't leave his wife & or hook up with her on a more permenant basis (if he's single).

What's the guy's marital status?

Likely a case of him losing interest and her feeling guilty. Low self-esteem is very problematic. Don't expect her to change without counseling.

 

[rickn]

did they take polaroids?

anways, unless you have kids, ditch her. You'll never look at her the same way again