Originally posted by: cjchaps
If you don't mind getting too personal why don't you post some specifics about what you guys fight over and then see if any AT'ers have any useful suggestions. They probably can't mess things up more than they already are.
that's a tough one ... so many things at this point it's hard to know where to start. there are the usual little things - she doesn't seem to be able to close a drawer to save her life (i'm always almost running into an open drawer in the bathroom or kitchen); i'm a neat freak and she isn't, i love classical music and literature, she love's pop music and trash tv, she loves pets and i'd be happier without 'em, etc, etc, etc. but that's really all surface stuff. a big part of the deal is that i have issues. like i said above, i've been diagnosed bipolar. i constantly struggle with depression despite the meds. i have anger problems (this can be the manic of bipolar) - when i get pissed, i can get really pissed. i've never hit her or the kids, but i can yell pretty loud, and i used to cuss alot (i've toned it way down). i also have a lot of insecurity problems, which leads to jealousy, which leads to an argument, which leads to me getting mad, see above. when it comes down to it, i'm a real mess. but, like i said, i'm working on it, and i think i'm improving, if slowly. she has her own issues that i won't divulge here, but overall i feel that i am the least important person in her life, and that she is very hypocritical in the expectations/demands she makes of me, vs. the way she thinks she can behave towards me. i also feel she often disrespects me in front of the kids, and undermines my childrearing methods.
one more thing. i have a real issue with our "roles" within the marriage. while she never attempted to learn a skill that could pay to support a family, i did. so i have become the defacto bread winner. so i do the 9-5 thing in cube land, which is really 8-6. i do very well and we have a very comfortable lifestyle. in exchange for the many sacrifices i make to do this (only see the kids for a few hours at night, very little choice/control over my daily life, 40+ hours/week stuck doing something i don't particularly enjoy or feel good about), i think she needs to contribute too. since she is home all day i think it's fair for her to do the cooking/cleaning type stuff. frankly, i don't see how this can take as long as the time i spend at my job - we used to have a couple of cleaning women come in and clean the entire house in a few hours! this isn't sexist - i'd be thrilled to stay home and cook and clean and let her stress out in the work world, as i've told her many times, but her response is always that she could never earn enough to support our family. so i'm stuck. but the rum deal is, when i get home, i'm expected to keep right on working doing house work. so, i work all day, then when i get home i'm supposed to work more, so she can go to lunch/tea/excersize with friends, watch tv, etc etc etc. i think that's bullshit. and i think there isn't nearly enough appreciation for the huge contribution (my salary) that i bring to the table. she always saying she earns that money. bullshit again! i earn the money at great personal sacrifice. when it comes home it becomes a shared asset, but she does not earn it any more than i baked that cake - i earned it, and i deserve credit for it, just like she gets credit for the cake.
ok, rant mode off. you can see that's a real sore spot with me!