wife wants a seperation

[MmmSkyscraper]

Holy crap Ausm, :beer:

 

[Miramonti]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: jjsole
Sure that's a possibility but its hardly worth assuming that's what's in her head without knowing. Whether or not the OP has psych issues or not, its mute without trying to know exactly where she is coming from as much as possible.

As for taking precautions, sure, but regarding a private investigator and recording everything right now because she says she wants a separation, I'd leave that to the paranoid schizophrenics at this point.

A whole lot of friends have been through a divorce. They never saw it coming. Turns out the woman was planning it for over a year in most cases, plotting, planning, some of them even running out and buying a new car on credit card and parking it at a friends house (husband has to pay this as well).

So you bet he should start preparing.

It doesn't work to act the fool in an effort to prevent from being played the fool.

Get her answers, find out specifics, break it all down, discuss it as thoroughly as possible, THEN act accordingly.

Maybe the OP has already done this, but since it hasn't been posted, its premature suggest a private investigator is the next step.

 

[Zysoclaplem]

I know 2, that's just 2, couples who are on their first marriage and are still married. That's out of everyone I have ever met that has been married.
Marriage used to have it's perks, but now, it's a risk. And that's sad when you have to consider the risks of marriage and divorce.

 

[AnyMal]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: MmmSkyscraper

Originally posted by: sixone
If he's slipping, there's no one closer to him than his wife, no one he trusts more (I would hope). She's right there, in their home, and will start to see the signs before anyone else. You don't have to be a parent to say, "Honey, I'm worried about you." Wives are supposed to do that, too.

DING DING DING, someone with a clue!

What makes any of you think the OP's wife hasn't been saying/doing that,probably for a very long time.

The OP says his wife wants a separation,not a divorce, she might well wish to see if the OP is going to follow thru and remain stable.

People are forgetting here that the OP is admitting to screaming fits,profanities,cruel name calling and irrational fits of jealousy, I'm guessing here that things weren't pretty probably for a very long time and that most likely people might well be afraid of appraoching the OP with concerns about his mental stabilty.

Btw, as a sidenote, women are likely to stay hang in there longer with a mentally ill or drug addicted/alcoholic men than a man is to stay with a similarly impaired woman.

Bull.. It is a woman who's likely to jump the ship and abandon her mate in times of need, because she has "feelings" and "needs" and must be catered to whenever she feels like it.

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: MmmSkyscraper

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
Ok,we're going to try to explain this yet again.

And still you fail.

1.expecting a spouse who's experiened episodes of screaming,irrational fits that were inches away from physical violence to oversee the medication of regime of a patient is not only unrealistic,it is courting disaster.When he's screaming at her that she's screwing the mailmail waving his meds at him might likely get her hurt.

Here's an idea, maybe the medication would play a part in preventing those episodes - DUN DUN DUH! If he's admitted he has a problem remembering to take his medication or is asking her to double-check that he has, who has she got to blame if she doesn't and things start to escalate? The guy needs help, not mind games.

2.Patients with mental illness have civil rights,many of them and those rights must be safe guarded. A person is deemed competant to manage their own affairs,including the right to refuse medications and treatment unless/until a court deems otherwise and that court appoints a guardian. Courts usually appoint a guardian to manage the day to day affairs and another to manage the estate.'

Not sure how this has any relevance whatsoever. The OP isn't refusing treatment, he's asking for help to ensure he doesn't neglect his treatment due to his condition.

She can encorage him to follow thru with therapy, she can be verbally supportive of his seeking/following his doctor's advice regarding meds,if she's following him around counting meds in pill bottles the relationship is seriously screwed up.

No, your view of it is seriously screwed up.

ah yes, so we can have ranting screaming fits,make our spouse's life a living hell and then we can make it all there fault because they didn't find a way to beg,pled,cajole or trick us into swallowing our pills regularly?

Sorry but I disagree. My spouse has an obligation to be supportive of my seeking treatment,he has an obligation to not attempt to thwart that treatment by doing subversive things ie: spending the money needed to pay for therapy/meds, scheduling activities that conflict with dr appointmernt's and such.He is not obligated to assume overseer responsibilty for my medication regime under the threat that if I lose control it'll be his fault.

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: AnyMal

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: MmmSkyscraper

Originally posted by: sixone
If he's slipping, there's no one closer to him than his wife, no one he trusts more (I would hope). She's right there, in their home, and will start to see the signs before anyone else. You don't have to be a parent to say, "Honey, I'm worried about you." Wives are supposed to do that, too.

DING DING DING, someone with a clue!

What makes any of you think the OP's wife hasn't been saying/doing that,probably for a very long time.

The OP says his wife wants a separation,not a divorce, she might well wish to see if the OP is going to follow thru and remain stable.

People are forgetting here that the OP is admitting to screaming fits,profanities,cruel name calling and irrational fits of jealousy, I'm guessing here that things weren't pretty probably for a very long time and that most likely people might well be afraid of appraoching the OP with concerns about his mental stabilty.

Btw, as a sidenote, women are likely to stay hang in there longer with a mentally ill or drug addicted/alcoholic men than a man is to stay with a similarly impaired woman.

Bull.. It is a woman who's likely to jump the ship and abandon her mate in times of need, because she has "feelings" and "needs" and must be catered to whenever she feels like it.

I worked in the field,have seen thousands of families and in very,very few of those cases did anybody abandone a family member so quickly or for such frivolous reasons.Living with a seriously mentally ill person can be really,really rough,I'm more amazed at the numbers of people who stick with serously impaired folks than I am at those who walk away.

 

[MisterJackson]

A lot of people in this thread seem to be dealing in black and white and absolutes. It can't be looked at that way.

As for the meds, I believe it's not a good idea to put any of that on the wife. If the marriage were HEALTHY then MAYBE it would be reasonable for her to REMIND him but he be ultimately responsible for his meds. He's of sound enough mind that he can get a pill dispenser with a daily breakdown and manage it that way. What if his wife up and died tomorrow? Are his kids supposed to remind him at that point? No?

Comparing this to an elderly person and someone reminding them to take their meds is NOT the same thing.

Putting that on his wife in this situation is only going to make her bitter. It's one thing to ask her to it, it's another for her to volunteer. If I were in her shoes and he was asking me to remind him then I'd start to think that he really isn't focusing on getting well. It can't be THAT hard to keep up with.

This isn't a matter of how much she loves him or not, so quit looking at it on an emotional level.

 

[MmmSkyscraper]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe
ah yes, so we can have ranting screaming fits,make our spouse's life a living hell and then we can make it all there fault because they didn't find a way to beg,pled,cajole or trick us into swallowing our pills regularly?

Where did he say he was refusing to take them? Stop generalising. He's admitted to being belligerent, that's part of his condition which he's trying to fix and she's either stopped helping or refuses to. Good plan!

He is not obligated to assume overseer responsibilty for my medication regime under the threat that if I lose control it'll be his fault.

It's what any rational person who cared about their spouse would do. No-one is being held at gunpoint. If the spouse refuses to get involved with the treatment, nothing good is going to come of it, no matter what the condition being treated is. That's bloody obvious.

She needs to come clean and tell him what she really wants, but that'll only happen if he leaves.

Edit: WTF formatting

 

[AnyMal]

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: AnyMal

Originally posted by: Geekbabe

Originally posted by: MmmSkyscraper

Originally posted by: sixone
If he's slipping, there's no one closer to him than his wife, no one he trusts more (I would hope). She's right there, in their home, and will start to see the signs before anyone else. You don't have to be a parent to say, "Honey, I'm worried about you." Wives are supposed to do that, too.

DING DING DING, someone with a clue!

What makes any of you think the OP's wife hasn't been saying/doing that,probably for a very long time.

The OP says his wife wants a separation,not a divorce, she might well wish to see if the OP is going to follow thru and remain stable.

People are forgetting here that the OP is admitting to screaming fits,profanities,cruel name calling and irrational fits of jealousy, I'm guessing here that things weren't pretty probably for a very long time and that most likely people might well be afraid of appraoching the OP with concerns about his mental stabilty.

Btw, as a sidenote, women are likely to stay hang in there longer with a mentally ill or drug addicted/alcoholic men than a man is to stay with a similarly impaired woman.

Bull.. It is a woman who's likely to jump the ship and abandon her mate in times of need, because she has "feelings" and "needs" and must be catered to whenever she feels like it.

I worked in the field,have seen thousands of families and in very,very few of those cases did anybody abandone a family member so quickly or for such frivolous reasons.Living with a seriously mentally ill person can be really,really rough,I'm more amazed at the numbers of people who stick with serously impaired folks than I am at those who walk away.

Well, it doesn't sound like OP is seriosly mentally ill, does it?

 

[Skunkwourk]

Originally posted by: MisterJackson
A lot of people in this thread seem to be dealing in black and white and absolutes. It can't be looked at that way.

As for the meds, I believe it's not a good idea to put any of that on the wife. If the marriage were HEALTHY then MAYBE it would be reasonable for her to REMIND him but he be ultimately responsible for his meds. He's of sound enough mind that he can get a pill dispenser with a daily breakdown and manage it that way. What if his wife up and died tomorrow? Are his kids supposed to remind him at that point? No?

Comparing this to an elderly person and someone reminding them to take their meds is NOT the same thing.

Putting that on his wife in this situation is only going to make her bitter. It's one thing to ask her to it, it's another for her to volunteer. If I were in her shoes and he was asking me to remind him then I'd start to think that he really isn't focusing on getting well. It can't be THAT hard to keep up with.

This isn't a matter of how much she loves him or not, so quit looking at it on an emotional level.

I agree with this completely. I just couldn't find the words to explain it in my last post. As for this situation possibly makeing her bitter, I almost feel like it has already happened. Goodluck.

 

[joecool]

gosh, i feel like i'm just a lurker in my own topic now ...

geekbabe, i think you aren't reading all my posts, you keep accusing me of being a raving, frothing lunatic, and that just isn't the case. i don't have screaming fits, i sometimes yell during arguements (btw, my wife is often yelling at that point too). i've never been close to violence, i've never hit anybody or thrown any thing. My jealousy has never been about her fidelty, but other issues. I'm not saying I've been a great guy, I've obviously got lots of issues, and the anger thing has been a real problem - sometimes i'm mad and i couldn't even tell you why i'm mad! but let's keep things in perspective here - i'm not a future psycho murderer or anything like it.

as far as the meds go, i'm not going to argue that here, it's really a pretty minor issue, most of the time i do remember, i just wish she cared enough to help.

 

[AnyMal]

Originally posted by: joecool
gosh, i feel like i'm just a lurker in my own topic now ...

geekbabe, i think you aren't reading all my posts, you keep accusing me of being a raving, frothing lunatic, and that just isn't the case. i don't have screaming fits, i sometimes yell during arguements (btw, my wife is often yelling at that point too). i've never been close to violence, i've never hit anybody or thrown any thing. My jealousy has never been about her fidelty, but other issues. I'm not saying I've been a great guy, I've obviously got lots of issues, and the anger thing has been a real problem - sometimes i'm mad and i couldn't even tell you why i'm mad! but let's keep things in perspective here - i'm not a future psycho murderer or anything like it.

as far as the meds go, i'm not going to argue that here, it's really a pretty minor issue, most of the time i do remember, i just wish she cared enough to help.

Don't expect a woman to understand a man's point of view. Sad, but true.

 

[paulxcook]

Geekbabe, you could probably learn something from the general advice and support offered here.

The OP says "I've yelled and cussed before during arguments", you say "you're a hair's breadth away from violence and prone to fits of rage and irrational jealousy".

The OP says he's asked his wife to help him remember and she's refused, and you imply that he's trying to force her to remember for him.

The OP says "I think you're drawing some bad conclusions", you say "you're trivializing and ignoring just how bad you are! This is the tip of the ice berg!"

It sounds like (and this is as baseless as much of the "advice" you've given) you've had a bad experience in the past with someone that was acutely bi-polar, and are projecting that experience on the OP. You obviously have some sort of professional knowledge, but you are also giving him some very backhanded, accusatory "advice" without knowing enough about the situation to draw the conclusions you have.

 

[MisterJackson]

Originally posted by: joecool
gosh, i feel like i'm just a lurker in my own topic now ...

geekbabe, i think you aren't reading all my posts, you keep accusing me of being a raving, frothing lunatic, and that just isn't the case. i don't have screaming fits, i sometimes yell during arguements (btw, my wife is often yelling at that point too). i've never been close to violence, i've never hit anybody or thrown any thing. My jealousy has never been about her fidelty, but other issues. I'm not saying I've been a great guy, I've obviously got lots of issues, and the anger thing has been a real problem - sometimes i'm mad and i couldn't even tell you why i'm mad! but let's keep things in perspective here - i'm not a future psycho murderer or anything like it.

as far as the meds go, i'm not going to argue that here, it's really a pretty minor issue, most of the time i do remember, i just wish she cared enough to help.

Jesus man, quit feeling sorry for yourself and own what's going on. If you continue with this mindset you'll lose her and your kids.

You said yourself that at certain points your yelling has caused her to be scared (I'm 99% sure I read that in one of your posts, I'm not going back through it, so sorry if I'm wrong). So your point is moot, if she's scared it matters not if you'll potentially "be a serial killer one day".

Don't think for a minute that if she leaves you and files for divorce that she won't use your illness against you, or rather her lawyer will, in order to get full custody for herself. You gotta open your eyes man. If anything, do it for yourself so she can't go into court saying you can't even remember your meds sometimes.

Your logic has no place in a courtroom, it's sad, but true. And it looks like you might find that out the hard way unless you quit seeking empathy and step up and care for yourself.

As for jealousy and you not accusing her of cheating....if you're truly acting jealous, without even accusing her directly of cheating, it's pretty much implied. It's at least implied that you don't trust her. Imagine how you'd feel if the roles were reversed.

And as for you saying I wish she cared enough to help with this......please man. Just because she doesn't do what you ask or want DOES NOT mean she doesn't care. That's your point of view, and you have to understand that you could be wrong.

What harm is there in changing these things man? You've got nothing to lose by doing so, and everything to lose if you don't.

 

[Geekbabe]

Originally posted by: joecool
gosh, i feel like i'm just a lurker in my own topic now ...

geekbabe, i think you aren't reading all my posts, you keep accusing me of being a raving, frothing lunatic, and that just isn't the case. i don't have screaming fits, i sometimes yell during arguements (btw, my wife is often yelling at that point too). i've never been close to violence, i've never hit anybody or thrown any thing. My jealousy has never been about her fidelty, but other issues. I'm not saying I've been a great guy, I've obviously got lots of issues, and the anger thing has been a real problem - sometimes i'm mad and i couldn't even tell you why i'm mad! but let's keep things in perspective here - i'm not a future psycho murderer or anything like it.

as far as the meds go, i'm not going to argue that here, it's really a pretty minor issue, most of the time i do remember, i just wish she cared enough to help.

Look,I'm not trying to argue with or bash you,I will say this,generally when a person admits to anger management issues the tendency is to minimize or rationalize things.There is also the tendency to attempt to shift blame/responsibilty.If the shoe doesn't fit,don't wear it. I will ask you to consider this though,if you experience feelings of anger and cannot understand or know when they will occur how on earth do you expect those closest to you to do so?

 

[joecool]

Originally posted by: MisterJackson

Jesus man, quit feeling sorry for yourself and own what's going on. If you continue with this mindset you'll lose her and your kids.

You said yourself that at certain points your yelling has caused her to be scared (I'm 99% sure I read that in one of your posts, I'm not going back through it, so sorry if I'm wrong). So your point is moot, if she's scared it matters not if you'll potentially "be a serial killer one day".

Don't think for a minute that if she leaves you and files for divorce that she won't use your illness against you, or rather her lawyer will, in order to get full custody for herself. You gotta open your eyes man. If anything, do it for yourself so she can't go into court saying you can't even remember your meds sometimes.

Your logic has no place in a courtroom, it's sad, but true. And it looks like you might find that out the hard way unless you quit seeking empathy and step up and care for yourself.

As for jealousy and you not accusing her of cheating....if you're truly acting jealous, without even accusing her directly of cheating, it's pretty much implied. It's at least implied that you don't trust her. Imagine how you'd feel if the roles were reversed.

And as for you saying I wish she cared enough to help with this......please man. Just because she doesn't do what you ask or want DOES NOT mean she doesn't care. That's your point of view, and you have to understand that you could be wrong.

What harm is there in changing these things man? You've got nothing to lose by doing so, and everything to lose if you don't.

you're absolutely right, i do need to change, and i do need to take more responsibility. and yes, i did say i could probably be scary when i'm mad. and you're right, i'm sure she does care for me. thanks for the reality check, man. maybe you should be the trusted friend geekbabe was talking about!

and geekbabe, i do appreciate that you are providing an alternate, perhaps tougher perspective here. i have considered that i may be minimizing things, because my perspective is of course different than my wifes. i really don't think i am quite the raving lunatic that you describe, but i know i do need to change the way i deal with things. and i am working on that, with, i think, some success, tho i know i still have a ways to go.

 

[topslop1]

Women are evil.

 

[Red Dawn]

Originally posted by: topslop1
Women are evil.

That's why you'll end up dying alone.

 

[chambersc]

please put the updates in the OP.

Originally posted by: Red Dawn

Originally posted by: topslop1
Women are evil.

That's why you'll end up dying alone.

or with men.

 

[hanoverphist]

Originally posted by: child of wonder
Sorry to hear that, man.

I think you're right. If she thinks she needs to get away from you tell her she is welcome to move out. She's the one that wants to separate, not you.

best advice you can get right now. if you dont want to leave, dont. tell her to. my wife of 14 years walked out in a similar scenario about 8 months ago, basically because i told her i wouldnt leave the kids. best thing i could have done tho, i can still afford my bills and we do a ton more fun stuff now. just try to be more stringent on the support issue, im apparently a softy and still have yet to get any help from her.


edit: im not bipolar or anything like that, but she is OCD totally. Im more a chaos kind of guy, and after 17 years together (married a month shy of 14 years) we just got to a complacent existence she decided was the last straw.

 

[MisterJackson]

Originally posted by: Red Dawn

Originally posted by: topslop1
Women are evil.

That's why you'll end up dying alone.

Vs. the rest of us dying with knives in our backs and a woman standing over us

 

[Zontor]

I'm going to throw this out:

If her lawyer is ANY good, you'll both be taking an MMPI-2 as well as other psychological evaluations. You need to realize that your existing medical records may be brought into court against you.

I can understand that you may have differences with your wife but this is now about your kids. You need to do everything you possibly can to be healthy for your kids.

I'd also quit providing details in this thread unless you're certain she or this lawyer will not see this thread.

Good luck!

 

[HomeAppraisersWife]

I'm sorry. :brokenheart:

FWIW, I know that sometimes the courts do side with the father. Some 30-odd years ago when my parents divorced, my father was awarded custody, not my mother. Seems the judge frowned on her leaving and taking up with another man. :Q As a matter of fact, all the men in my Dad's family (grandfather & uncles) won custody of their children in the divorces. Not sure what that says about the women they married....

I would strongly advise against leaving as well. If she wants it to end, let her leave. I know that's easy for us to say, but I don't think there is any legal basis she has to ask you to leave -- especially if you have not been abusive, etc. Uncomfortable as it may become (or maybe already is) stand your ground and stay in the house.

Best of luck to you. :beer:

 

[Golgatha]

Hate to say it, but one thing I overlooked is the bipolar diagnosis you have. If your wife wants full custody, she will most likely get it. It's also smart to fight the battles (aka spend money on a lawyer) you can reasonably expect to win.

 

[KarenMarie]

I am sorry that this is happening to you, joecool!

If it is to the point that she does not WANT to help you, then I would say that it is at a pretty bad point.

If you were physically disabled and forgot to wash your legs, causing bedsores, and she did not want to remind or help you, ppl would think she was an awful wife. But since it is mental, ppl see it as totally different. That really sucks.

If she no longer wants to be married to you, with all it entails, you cannot force her. Tell her that she is free to go whenever she wants.