wife wants a seperation

[montanafan]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You sound like a good guy who is struggling with a difficult illness and trying to do the right and best thing for your family, but looking at the big picture here and from what you've said, I've got to say that it's probably been pretty hard on your wife living with your illness over the last 12 or so years. I believe you said you have two grade school aged boys, taking care of them and a home can be a job, and it sounds like the thing that upsets you most is that she doesn't want to put enough time and effort into taking care of you as well. That does not make for a good marriage.

Someone posted earlier saying that it was wrong of her to not help you remember your medication because in a marriage you are partners and she wasn't being a good one. While I see his point of view, I think you should also look at it from her side as well. She needs a partner in this marriage too. I know you said you are the bread-winner and you probably work long and hard at your job, but a strong successful marriage is more than that. She needs someone she can lean on emotionally at times, someone to talk to, to bring her comfort and joy. Isn't that what we all want in a marriage?

Are you being her partner in that way? I know your illness could be making that difficult for you, but could that be what's missing in the marriage for her? You said that you had a lot of good times before, what was different then? Could it be that you have become tired and drained from dealing with work and your illness and you just want to be taken care of at home, but she has become tired and drained from having to care and deal with the problems from your illness and the kids and she just feels like she's doing all the giving and not getting any help from her partner?

Think about it. You also said that another one of the things that most upsets you is that you shouldn't be expected to do anything around the house when you get home from work. That's another thing that makes me think that she feels like she's missing a partner. It's probably not the chores that she minds doing, again it's the fact that you expect her to do for you. It's not the work you're not doing, it's the care-giving you're not providing. Bringing home the bacon is great, but regardless of what some of the guys on here are saying, that's not the thing women want and need most in a marriage.

This is just my opinion and I don't know what your daily lives are like, but if this makes any sense to you, maybe you could talk to her about it. Good luck with whatever you do.

 

[imported_Lothar]

Originally posted by: Fmr12B
Sorry to inform you but in the legal arena you are fvcked. You will lose your kids, house and have to pay alimony & child support. 50% of your 401K also will be liquidated.

That is insane.
I'm curious...will your IRA be touched as well?

 

[hanoverphist]

Originally posted by: Lothar

Originally posted by: Fmr12B
Sorry to inform you but in the legal arena you are fvcked. You will lose your kids, house and have to pay alimony & child support. 50% of your 401K also will be liquidated.

That is insane.
I'm curious...will your IRA be touched as well?

its not totally true. this is only the case part of the time, the other part its hers that will be liquidated and split up. in the case of both having one, they are averaged and the disparity is charged to the one owing support. apparently that guy got screwed and has a very negative outlook on it all.

 

[dr150]

Originally posted by: joecool


so, i work all day, then when i get home i'm supposed to work more, so she can go to lunch/tea/excersize with friends, watch tv, etc etc etc. i think that's bullshit.

Shouldn't a housewife be able to keep the house clean and take care of the kids?!

Every mother I knew when growing up and in my adult life who stayed at home was able to do this. Looks like you got a lame duck housewife. Seriously.

You should have moved in with her while dating. Then you'd see the real deal if she's a good householder.

 

[intogamer]

Know what you're doing before it happens. Or else you'll be a retard shelling out $$$

 

[purepolly]

 

[purepolly]

Bull.. It is a woman who's likely to jump the ship and abandon her mate in times of need, because she has "feelings" and "needs" and must be catered to whenever she feels like it.

[/quote]

What an absolute line of crap. How many years have you actually spent taking primary care of a seriously mentally ill person?

It's easy to talk bullshit about a topic you know little to nothing about.

Listen to Geekbabe and get a clue.

 

[brxndxn]

If you don't want to move out or seperate, don't. Just refuse. Tell her she can file for divorce all she wants, but you want to work things out.

The more you do to keep your family together - and if she's the one doing the yelling while you're calm - you'll look better if it does end up going to court.

 

[ForumMaster]

since she's the one that wants a temporary separation, tel her to move out. it's her idea. if you move out, you're not going to come back.

 

[bennylong]

Damn, that's fvcked! Makes me not want to get married in 2 weeks.

Can a post-nuptial agreement keep her away from my 401k and IRA? 90% of my assets are there! And don't they only get what you earn from the 401k AFTER marriage??? How does this work??

I wish I was gay!!!

http://nomarriage.com/why_men_should_not_marry.html

 

[Anghang]

if you own half the home then you don't have to move out...just sleep in separate rooms...at least for the kids it'll still be a family with both a mother and father figure

 

[Red Dawn]

Originally posted by: bennylong
.
I wish I was gay!!!

Why, being short, stupid and ugly isn't doing it for ya?

 

[KeypoX]

man that sucks ... can never trust a woman

 

[A Casual Fitz]

If she wants a separation she moves out. Enough said.

 

[chambersc]

updates?

 

[CryHavoc]

Joecool,

let me offer this bit of advice from someone who's been through it, with kids as well.

If she wants the separation, have her move out. Its your house as much as its hers.
Now I'm only familiar with WA state law, but CO may be similar in that WA state is a "no fault" state meaning anyone can get divorced for no reason at all other than its over sort of thing. WA is also a community property state, so half of hers is yours and half of yours is hers...

With regards to the kids, here's the deal.
Unless you want to become a weekend father, you have some options and choices to make. Of course retain a great lawyer. Don't go cheap here. Seriously. Spend as much as you can on a good one.

In WA state, if you file for temporary custody of the kids before she does, or at least before you are served with papers from her lawyer who has most likely already drawn up temp custody, child support request, etc etc. You can petition a court for temp custody of your children. They will allow it unless the father is a looser, ex con, criminal record, misdemeanor or worse. If the mom has any sort of record, even better. However, fathers have just as much right to raise the kids as moms do. Too many dads just roll over and take it when it comes to the custody of the kids.

Once the court hearings take place, usually in front of an Administrative Law commissioner, if you have filed for temp custody and was awarded custody at that time, the Admin Law judge will "a good portion of the time" keep the status Quo and keep the kids with the parent that has had them during the separation.

Read the above part carefully and consult a good attorney who specializes in Family Law/Divorce. YMMV in CO, but this worked for me here in WA.

If you move out of the house and leave the kids there, don't think you will be awarded more than weekend visitations. At the very least PUSH PUSH PUSH for 50/50 custody and stick with it. No child support is usually awarded in 50/50 custody situations since both parents are paying half to help raise the kids, so noone is due child support, of course unless your spouse doesn't work and has no marketable skills, things might play out differently, but then again, if you are the serious breadwinner, you have more means to directly take care of the kids, while she would need to look for work.

Don't hunt in the phone book for an attorney. Contact the local Bar association, ask friends who might have gone through the big D, etc.

I'm sorry for these troubling times you find yourself in, but believe me, once its over, and the pain has subsided, you will be better for it.

Also the old saying is true. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone new. keep your chin up.

 

[TehMac]

Did you sign one of those legal agreements that states "If we were to divorce, my property is mine, and yours is yours, and you won't get sh1t if we do divorce, and I won't get sh1t from you either" Did you get one of those?
After reading this, I am very glad I was warned to when I get married.

 

[91TTZ]

Originally posted by: EMPshockwave82
:beer


Get advice from someone with credentials though... please take any internet advice with caution (including this one)


I'm sorry.

What do credentials have to do with it? There's no guarantee that you will get good advice from them. After all, HER lawyer will have credentials, do you want to take advice from him?

 

[daveymark]

Originally posted by: Red Dawn

Originally posted by: bennylong
.
I wish I was gay!!!

Why, being short, stupid and ugly isn't doing it for ya?

sounds like someone's jealous! hey, 2 outta 3 ain't bad!

 

[bennylong]

Originally posted by: TehMac
Did you sign one of those legal agreements that states "If we were to divorce, my property is mine, and yours is yours, and you won't get sh1t if we do divorce, and I won't get sh1t from you either" Did you get one of those?
After reading this, I am very glad I was warned to when I get married.

Did you get a pre-nup or post-nup? What's the difference between those 2(other than one you sign before you get after and one you sign after marriage) under the eyes of the court?

 

[91TTZ]

My suggestion is to hide as much as your money as possible, stash it with friends, etc. Then, draw out the court case and use expensive lawyers. Even if she does win in the end, she'll get almost nothing since the lawyers took all of your money. At least the lawyers earned the money, she didn't earn anything and isn't entitled to it.

 

[91TTZ]

Originally posted by: bennylong
Damn, that's fvcked! Makes me not want to get married in 2 weeks.

Can a post-nuptial agreement keep her away from my 401k and IRA? 90% of my assets are there! And don't they only get what you earn from the 401k AFTER marriage??? How does this work??

I wish I was gay!!!

http://nomarriage.com/why_men_should_not_marry.html

Benny, sign a prenup. Seriously. You'll thank me later.

 

[bennylong]

Originally posted by: 91TTZ

Originally posted by: bennylong
Damn, that's fvcked! Makes me not want to get married in 2 weeks.

Can a post-nuptial agreement keep her away from my 401k and IRA? 90% of my assets are there! And don't they only get what you earn from the 401k AFTER marriage??? How does this work??

I wish I was gay!!!

http://nomarriage.com/why_men_should_not_marry.html

Benny, sign a prenup. Seriously. You'll thank me later.

Yea, I know. I have already told her that I would not get married unless she signs a pre-nup and she agree. But I have research this and found that even with a pre-nup under CA, the court would still rule in favor of her because a good attorney can claim I forced her to sign something she didn't understand(since she's chinese).

So it looks like a post-nup is the only thing I can do to protect myself thanks to the stupid CA court system.

 

[91TTZ]

Originally posted by: bennylong

Originally posted by: 91TTZ

Originally posted by: bennylong
Damn, that's fvcked! Makes me not want to get married in 2 weeks.

Can a post-nuptial agreement keep her away from my 401k and IRA? 90% of my assets are there! And don't they only get what you earn from the 401k AFTER marriage??? How does this work??

I wish I was gay!!!

http://nomarriage.com/why_men_should_not_marry.html

Benny, sign a prenup. Seriously. You'll thank me later.

Yea, I know. I have already told her that I would not get married unless she signs a pre-nup and she agree. But I have research this and found that even with a pre-nup under CA, the court would still rule in favor of her because a good attorney can claim I forced her to sign something she didn't understand(since she's chinese).

So it looks like a post-nup is the only thing I can do to protect myself thanks to the stupid CA court system.

If you're both Chinese, why don't you sign an agreement written in Chinese? Is that possible?

 

[bennylong]

Originally posted by: 91TTZ

Originally posted by: bennylong

Originally posted by: 91TTZ

Originally posted by: bennylong
Damn, that's fvcked! Makes me not want to get married in 2 weeks.

Can a post-nuptial agreement keep her away from my 401k and IRA? 90% of my assets are there! And don't they only get what you earn from the 401k AFTER marriage??? How does this work??

I wish I was gay!!!

http://nomarriage.com/why_men_should_not_marry.html

Benny, sign a prenup. Seriously. You'll thank me later.

Yea, I know. I have already told her that I would not get married unless she signs a pre-nup and she agree. But I have research this and found that even with a pre-nup under CA, the court would still rule in favor of her because a good attorney can claim I forced her to sign something she didn't understand(since she's chinese).

So it looks like a post-nup is the only thing I can do to protect myself thanks to the stupid CA court system.

If you're both Chinese, why don't you sign an agreement written in Chinese? Is that possible?

That's what I was going to do. I was going to have an attorney prepare something here, have it translated and notarized. Send it to China and have it translated, tell her to get an attorney to advise her before she signs, etc. But after further research on the net, I was told that the CA state law is fudged up and would still rule in favor of the female.