YAGT: problems...married couples only

[Journer]

Not trying to be an ass...but i would prefer that only married/unionized (whatever the ****** u wana call it) people chime in, or those who have been in a relationship for a long time and are over 25....again, not being an ass...but i am young and ignorant and dont need any more advice from people from my same age bracket and level of ignorance...

so...just a simple (well, not too simple i guess) question...not trying to debate or whatever, just a straight yay or nay...

Can people with different religious views survive a marriage? I'm not talking just a little dif, like, presbyterian (sp?) and Baptist...so lets use my example. I am non-religious...she is christian (AoG...aka pennicostal, somewhat non-denominational (sp))

On to poll #2....do you think it is likely that in my situation, a marriage would last?

So, we have been dating for 4 1/2 years. I met her when she was, eh, not the greatest girl in the world, and at the time i was a devout christian (AoG). We began dating, I suppose i influenced her into my beleifs, so she became a re-dedicated christian, so to speek. Well...people change over time, and i am no longer a christian and am non-religious. I guess you COULD say i am atheist...because i lack a belief in god, but i don't believe we can truely know if there is one or not. But, beside that, i have always expressed to her that i am not out to convert her to my beleifs and i support her having her own personal views. So, she is upset because she thinks i am partly to blame because now she doesnt go to church and considers herself a failure and a backsliden christian (sex, no church, etc. etc.). Well, i am ok to take some of the blame, because i used to urge her to be a good christian, etc. and now i dont, but she does realize it is her own choice and not mine, so she admits it is her fault, but is upset because she feels i am a bad influence or at least not as good as i used to be. She explained some situations and i told her to talk to my mom (very devout christian, same beleifs as her...and my mom cares a lot about her) because i could not provide her with input that would satisfy her beleifs, whereas my mom could, but she wont do it....she will only talk to me about it even though i explain to her that the way she is seeing it i am part of the problem and why the hell would you consult the the person who is the partial cause of a problem? she just said she was only comfortable talking to me...

So, for an example; lets say we are older, have kids, etc. She wants them to go to church...i dont have a problem with this, let them go...church did me a lot of good, i will not deny it. But, when they dont want to go, and want to make their own choice, i wouldnt have a problem letting them believe what they are inclined to, but she would want to make them go to church...well not exactly FORCE them...but pursaude. If i am not mistaken, for children to not get confused they have to have reinforcment from mom and dad. So, if she is asking them to go to church and i am telling them to do what they think is right...they are like...wtf? Keep in mnid i would only ask them to ask themselves when they of mental capacity and maturity...when that age is, i dont know yet...but i assume i would eventually find out...

anyways...sorry it is so long...and i understand we are young (im 20, she is 19) and stupid...so dont beat me to hard

edit: i suppose i should mention that i believe the one main, and possibly only, thing needed for a marriage to stay alive is commitment...i feel like she is giving up and i dont like to give up on anything...

 

[RCN]

Its only a problem if you make it one............

My dad and mom seem to be ok.....same with the grandparents......in fact I thought most marriages were this way.

 

[EightySix Four]

I know you're looking for advice from people older, but yes, I think givien you guys situation that you two could survive. On the account you can both be understanding of your differences. On the kids thing I think that they should be "persuaded" to go to chucrch until you believe they have reached a level of maturity at which they may make their own decision.

 

[Journer]

yah but in order to persuade them to go to church, i would have to go. and i would gladly do that for my kids, BUT...i would not lie to them. wtf do i do when they ask me qeustions about god and why i dont sing in church and pay attention, etc. etc.

 

[RCN]

Originally posted by: Journer
yah but in order to persuade them to go to church, i would have to go. and i would gladly do that for my kids, BUT...i would not lie to them. wtf do i do when they ask me qeustions about god and why i dont sing in church and pay attention, etc. etc.

Why would you have to go?

 

[EightySix Four]

Originally posted by: Journer
yah but in order to persuade them to go to church, i would have to go. and i would gladly do that for my kids, BUT...i would not lie to them. wtf do i do when they ask me qeustions about god and why i dont sing in church and pay attention, etc. etc.

Lie to them until they are mature enough. Honestly that's the only way that situation could be averted very easily. You said you used to be devout, so you could answer questions.

 

[Journer]

RCN: because then they will always ask mom why dad doesnt go to church...and that will just piss her off even more...

crazy: i will not lie to them...i hate lying to people, i would assume i would hate lying to my children even more. The easy way isnt always the best. Yes, i could easily answer most questions they had...but i would have to say "well some people beleive, etc etc."
they would be like...well wtf do you think? lol

 

[Whoozyerdaddy]

So you were a christian when you met this girl and she wasn't. After meeting you she bacame christian and you left the faith and became agnostic. And now she's wondering what happened to the nice christian boy she fell in love with. And when she asks you, you point her toward your devoutly christian mother who is probably wondering the same thing.

"Bait and switch" is a phrase that comes to mind.

I hate to burst your bubble, but I think you're going to lose this one. (Re: the girl)

 

[EightySix Four]

Originally posted by: Journer
RCN: because then they will always ask mom why dad doesnt go to church...and that will just piss her off even more...

crazy: i will not lie to them...i hate lying to people, i would assume i would hate lying to my children even more. The easy way isnt always the best. Yes, i could easily answer most questions they had...but i would have to say "well some people beleive, etc etc."
they would be like...well wtf do you think? lol

Don't lie then, just don't give them reason to ask why you don't participate at all. They have Sunday school and things they'll be off doing most of the time anyways.

 

[RCN]

So what you are saying is you would make it a problem?
Just playing DA?

 

[jagec]

Not married, so I didn't vote. However, it seldom works out.

 

[DainBramaged]

I'm 23 and not married. However, please listen. Depending on how faithful she is to her religion, there is the concept of being "unequally yoked" that you are going to have to deal with. It forbids someone who is Christian from marrying a non-Christian. Even if she doesn not accept this as part of her faith, there is going to be a lot of head-butting that will have to be resolved with one side or the other compromising. Do you want her to compromise in what she believes in so that she can be with you? Are you going to compromise and claim to believe in something that you don't in order to be with her?

You should google "unequally yoked" and read up on some of the more stringent Christian teachings on this issue.

 

[Journer]

whooz:expand on bait & switch...its not like i did it on purpose..
crazy: it is inevitable
rcn: no, i just know it will become a problem
jag: thnx
dain: i am very familiar with th concept, but i think she thinks it is likely i will again become a christian...possible, but doubtful. i cant force myself to believe something i find so unbelievable, so as much as i want to, i couldnt bring myself to comprimise...i assume the same for her. its not i dont care about her enough, its like...even though you love your child...if he believes 4+4=20...you cant just comprimise and say thats ok or no it is more like...if he is wrong he is wrong...i know that isnt the best example because it is math, but you get the point...i dont feel like going into a religious debate to explain...

thanks ppl for ur input

 

[dmcowen674]

No way in Hell would you two make it.

 

[KK]

I'm going thru basically the same thing. Wife wants to take the kids to church, I don't have a problem with it, but she's dragging my ass too. Good thing I work every other sunday, so I don't have to go every sunday. Now if I can only find a way out of the other sundays.

Now if in the future the kids don't want to go, then I won't force them. She may, but I won't. But for right now, they like going and it's all good.

 

[JS80]

I don't understand how you can accept Christ as your savior your whole life and all of a sudden have a epiphany that you no longer believe that. What happened that made you choose this?

 

[kranky]

Honestly, I don't think it is for the best.

Could it work? It could. But it will never be the relationship that it needs to be. That is a big area to not see eye to eye about. Neither one of you will be really satisfied.

FWIW, my wife was like you - at your age she questioned her beliefs and turned away from the church. It's pretty common for people at that point in their lives. But I could tell that she still had her faith and she was really just dissatisfied with the particular church she had attended. After some time, we tried a different church and when she honestly re-evaluated how she felt, she wanted to get reconnected.

During the time when I was going and she wasn't, it definitely put a strain on things. To minimize the conflict we tried not talking about it. It didn't help, it just kept the problem simmering.

I think both people need to share similar beliefs to have a healthy relationship.

 

[Red Dawn]

Yeah my first wife found religion and became a fscking hypocritical bitch. Dumped her sorry church going ass and met up with another gal who doesn't believe in that nonsense and we get along great!

 

[imported_goku]

**insert obligatory advice regardless of martial status**

 

[sao123]

Eventually its going to be difficult, because she is going to want to tithe money to the church, or become involved in other ways and tensions could arise. Once you're married there will be no guit about sex, but there will be other little things. Eventually she'll probably stop going to church and blame you.

Whether you believe in God or not, it would be supportive and beneficial to her if you even just went with her to church.

To make a marriage work is to be sacrificial of yourself to further her cause.

 

[theknight571]

I suppose it could work out... my mom goes to church every week, ran the Sunday School at one point, is heavily involved in the womens groups etc. My dad, went to church when he was a kid, and attended religious schools until college, but hasn't been to church since he moved out of his parents house. (Other than for special occaisions like weddings, baptisims, etc).

Religion never seemed to be a problem for them, unless they just hid it well.

We (the kids) all went to church until we were confirmed (6th/7th grade roughly) then it was left up to us.


Oh and for the not lieing to your kids..... All I'm gonna say is wait until you have them. LOL

 

[JulesMaximus]

My wife and I both think that religion is a load of horsesh!t so we don't have those discussions.

Personally, I think you're too young to be married. Wait until you're 25 and for god sake don't have children until then either.

<--39 years old, been married for 14 years this September.

 

[jjones]

I'm not religious, my wife is catholic. It's worked fine. She goes to church every sunday and takes our daughter with her; on the rare occasion I'll go with them. And she's even more involved than just sunday church-going; she helps with the church's administration and events. My wife has already agreed that when our daughter is old enough to decide for herself, she'll have the opportunity to make that decision. Fortunately my wife, although a pretty religious person, is open-minded enough to realize that each person will have to decide about religion for themselves. It definately helps to discuss these things with your wife/partner and we are both open-minded and accepting about each other's view. She doesn't try to force religion upon me and I don't ridicule her for her christian activities - we even have occasional in-depth discussions about religion.

 

[ValkyrieofHouston]

Ok, just letting you know, I'm a mother of two teenagers. Was married for over 10 years, presently divorced (still have a very good, amicable relationship with the ex), presently in a 2 yr relationship with current SO. I'm in my mid 40's ... hope that qualifies me to answer some of your questions here. LOL

First and foremost when children are involved you and your spouse must always back each other up when it comes to your children. You may not always agree with your spouse on how things are handled, but don't argue in front of your children about it. When it comes to her views on church, and them going... you may not necessarily agree... given your beliefs, but regardless of how you feel, as a parent you must back your wife up. Children will find any and all ways to pit one parent against another. Parents have to stand united as a unit in decisions when it comes to children. Talk with your spouse about issues you don't agree with privately somewhere out of sight from your children and come to a conclusion if you can, and then stick with it. You nor your spouse should never talk negatively about each other or your beliefs in front of your children.

On the second issue of whether you can maintain a relationship with diversities and such wide differences including your religious beliefs, of course you can! That is what makes a relationship so wonderful. It is the differences between you that probably attracted you to each other. So long as you both can respect each others differences and support one another despite those differences, you can both grow together in the relationship. It is not about tolerance but acceptance of each others uniqueness and the ability to share different perspectives on these life experiences. My ex was and still is a devout christian, and I was and still am an agnostic. Our divorce did not come about from any of the religious factors. Ours was a unique case... we still do care very much about each other. Believe me you can have a happy relationship in your marriage despite the religious aspect.

Good luck to you!
Hugs,
Val

 

[Lazy8s]

I think you guys are way too young to get married at this point. It doesn't sound like you have lost your religion or anything but you are going through a natural part of life. When you hit college you question religion and have serious doubts. Why? Because for the first time it's truly your decision. When you live at home even if your parents "let you choose" they give their opinion at every turn because they love you and want you to choose "right" when you leave home for the first time you realize that you have to decide for yourself what you believe. Give it a couple years and the situation will work itself out one way or another. Jus my 2c.