YAGT: Sex problems

[rh71]

Originally posted by: HomeBrewerDude
She wouldn't be the first person to be conflicted about sex. Raised being told one thing, lives in a world and has a body that says do another thing.

Thinking the same. I don't think people have to go to the extreme of calling it "baggage" or "psychotic". Some people are so quick to judge for the worst based on one person's point of view.

 

[ericb]

The only problem is this. What happens if you get married and she continues to have guilt and depressive episodes after sex. You need to find out what's causing these feelings before you get engaged or married. Premaritial sex because of a religious upbringing is one thing...psychological issues resulting from guilt or abuse is entirely different.

 

[SP33Demon]

She may have been raped in the past, although I wouldn't ask her... I once dated this chick who, while giving a BJ, said to me "What are you smiling about??" in a pissed off manner. I was like, what the fck <Dave Chappelle confused look> ? Then she started crying, saying that she was raped when she was 16 at her HS prom, and he made her blow him and was smiling. Somehow she associated me smiling with him. You never know man, have her get some therapy dude.

 

[Forsythe]

Originally posted by: Doboji
One sec... hit submit too fast... typing yagt now

ROFL

Dump the crazy religious bitch

 

[Ciber]

My theory:

This is another big evil insidious female scheme to get you to marry her!

 

[Chunkee]

if she is internalizing guilt, somwhere and somehow, either pre-marital or just sex is considered a dirty thing to her. She is having issues with her more primal instincts that take over and the institutes of morality she has personally imbibed.

if it is truly the pre-marital thing, then she is going to have to deal with her immorality according to her beliefs. if it is a sex thing, either she gets counseling to get to the truth and overcomes this, or this is a really big hint for you to look elsewhere.

i have been in the same boat at one time, and this caused major problems...most likely she has overbearing parental issues and that will be a thorn in you side for a long time. she is 22 and an adult. time for her to grow up and make her own decisions and learn to live with them and accept who she is. if her self esteem is still that fraudulent, then i would really think about the longevity of this relationship

you are young,

there will be many more

jC

 

[thomsbrain]

have you tried ASKING her why she feels guilty? has it occured to you she may have been raped or molested when she was younger? is she deeply religious, or was she raised a Catholic or something?

this isn't just going to fix itself. maybe you guys should see a counselor/shrink. i have a suspicion that she will continue to feel guilty even after you are married unless she gets some help. do not go to a pastor; they generally have no clue what the fvck they are talking about.

 

[Stark]

Originally posted by: kranky

Originally posted by: meltdown75

Originally posted by: spidey07
wow, the amount of people defending psychotic behavior and dysfunction is pretty astounding.

the amount of people classifying any of the behaviour mentioned in the OP as psychotic or dysfunctional is much more astounding.

Agreed.

you give OT far too much credit

 

[jdub1107]

I think you should call Loveline and ask Dr. Drew. I use to listen to him religiously during highschool. I have no personal experience with this, but from what I've heard on the program, people with problems like this seem to have had some type of sexual trauma in their past. Seek counseling.

 

[Nitemare]

If she is hung up about sex now, wait until you get married and ask her to stick out her butt.

 

[DeadByDawn]

I still say run. Save yourself the trouble down the road when she takes half your stuff.

 

[mikelish]

I think there is something she is not telling you, or something you're not telling us.

 

[stevty2889]

If she is really feeling that guilty afterwards there are likely some underlying issues that she hasn't told you about yet..and it may be something that will leave her emotionaly scarred for life...

 

[Ze]

Originally posted by: EGGO
I'll be looking at this thread because I'm pretty much in the same boat as the OP, except mine is Christian. =0)

Same boat you're in.

 

[Doboji]

The post by Kranky rang the most true to me so far. I feel like you really see the situation like I see it. I still think counseling may be necessary in the long run... depending on how things go after we get engaged. (right now I'm planning to pop the question in April)

She and I had a long long LOOONG conversation about this whole situation last night... and she absolutely feels she is violating her own promise to herself every time she gives in. Yes she wants me... yes she likes it... but she's pissed at herself for giving in, and pissed at me for giving in after we had a previous conversation where we decided not to.

I explained to her how hard it is for me to say no, to something that I so desperately want. We've decided to curb back our sexual contact. Require more clothing at all times... and redouble our efforts to refrain.

To answer a few questions people raised:

No she did NOT cheat on me... there is absolutely positively no doubt in my mind about this.

No she was not abused as a child...

It's not so much a religious issue as it is a family/cultural issue... her family is very goody goody... and she definitly feels like she has and is betraying the morals of her upbringing.

For the last time... I'm not going to cut and run. This is the woman I've always dreamed of... there is no way in HELL I'm going to dump her because of her moral dillema. That would be utterly insane. However to those of you who see this as problematic... I completely see where you're coming from... I've always believed that there is nothing wrong with pre-marital sex in the context of a loving monogomous relationship, I think it's an important element in a relationship at this level, and I am definitly frustrated by the lack of sex. However... I dont think this is a future of headaches scenario... she's a hornball as much as I am... which is why we're having this problem.

-Max

Originally posted by: kranky
Gave this a lot of thought before replying.

First, I'd completely discount all the responses of "dump her". As an earlier poster mentioned, there sure are a lot of people who can't think about anything beyond weenies and p00n. And that attitude would be the way to a long-lasting relationship? Um, OK. You already mentioned that dumping her is not an option, so good for you. You're right - you'd be a fool to do that.

I don't think there's any reason to believe that her being conflicted about it indicates a thing about your sex life down the road, assuming that the molestation angle can be ruled out. She doesn't really want to have sex now but lacks the self-control to stop. That's not a sign of being wacked. Lots of people struggle with things they know they don't want to do but do anyway. For some it's sex, for others, crack, etc. Geez, what normal person in their 20's would be able to fool around for four hours and NOT want to have sex? Seems perfectly normal to me.

What I would consider an indicator of a problem is if she begs for it then stops you in the middle, or freaks out screaming during the action, or doesn't respond at all. Seems like she has perfectly normal sexual desire and response, it's just that she isn't comfortable about doing it at this point in the relationship.

I would suggest not worrying about therapy for now. As far as you know, when and if you get engaged everything will be fine. So wait until you get engaged, and see where things stand then. If there's a problem, you can deal with it then.

Until then, I think you both ought to discuss how you can eliminate these episodes from your relationship. Is having sex even worth the "recovery period" where she is upset and depressed? If not, how do you continue to have a healthy relationship without going through another episode? That's something only you guys can work out. It's unrealistic to expect two people in love at your age to have the superhuman willpower to stop things before they go too far when you are 90% of the way there. (I'm referring to the jacuzzi suite, champagne, the fooling around, etc.)

I guess what I'm saying is romantic dinner + a few drinks + two people very much in love + hotel suite + lots of fooling around that ends up in having sex != "Oh, I just got carried away -- it just happened!" Very few people could resist at that point!

Don't know what the right solution is for you guys, but you need to agree ahead of time how you are going to avoid these situations, assuming you are willing to respect her wishes to wait until engaged.

I honestly believe she's perfectly normal and things will work out just fine for you both.

 

[Garion]

You know, she doesn't sound all that abnormal. She just has strong believes about sex before marriage and whenever she gives in to her hormones and does it, she feels guilty about it. If that's the way that she was raised and the beliefs that she has, that's fine. You just have to understand and accept it.

I think what you need to talk about and dig into a bit is the root of her guilt. What does she consider sinful, and can you live with it? Is it REALLY just sex before marriage, or is it sex as a whole?

I think there's one thing that you guys are missing - If she's feeling guilty about sex before marriage but is so horny that she can't control herself, what's going to happen AFTER the wedding? She's going to be able to do anything she wants to without guilt! If she can let loose.. Watch out!

Now that could be a heck of a honeymoon!

- G

 

[gshock888]

i actually have a coworker who likes to tell me all about her love life and yet she tells me she's waiting for the one until she gives it all up. i didnt know such women existed!!! and she's not even religious! i feel bad for her bf!

 

[newParadigm]

Originally posted by: schizoid
I'd pee on her.

Most girls are into the watersports if you really really ask 'em about it.

Reminds me of a certain ep of Chapelle's, R. Kelly Remix, "i'll piss on you yes i do, i'll piss on you"

Just my too nickals

 

[MisterJackson]

I haven't read this thread in it's entirety, so I don't know if you got any honest advice.

First off, you DON'T have a "Sex problem". She has a mental issue that she needs to work out. It's just manifesting itself in this way.

The sex issue is just a symptom of the underlying problem, and it sucks for you too.

If I had to guess what her deal is I'd bet money that she's been sexually abused at some point.

I don't mean that in a derogatory way. You ask what's happening, and I'm offering an idea.

If I am right then there's nothing you can really do about it. It's up to her and her alone to seek out help.