YAGT: Sex problems

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SouthPaW1227

Golden Member
Aug 4, 2004
1,863
0
0
Dude I go through the same thing. Except it's kinda both of us....

we're both Christian, and thus we wanna save sex for marriage (debate as you wish, it's just how we feel), and though we've never had "sex" we've came dang close and even though it;s madddd hot while going on, guiltly feelings rush on after the crazy feelings are removed from your brain. Dunno what the say except attempt to hold off......crazy tho, I went all out for Val. day and my woman did the same thing, came on so strong Billy Graham couldn't have said no.
 

Stark

Diamond Member
Jun 16, 2000
7,735
0
0
Originally posted by: Gurck
Originally posted by: Stark
Originally posted by: mehmel
Two Options:
1. Her Daddy (Or Uncle) Touched Her
2. She Cheated on you and feels bad about it (Can't believe no one said this yet)
Taking it to the next level with not fix anything, just make it worse. Good luck my friend.

or

3. she has morals and wants to live by them.

That's pathetic... "what, she won't put out? That must mean she was either molested or cheated on you"

atot logic at its finest.
I wouldn't call that morals. Keep in mind, not everyone's religion stigmatizes sex...

ok, so what religion in the world tells a girl that it's a good idea to get it on before marriage?

Judaism? no
Buddhism? no
Hinduism? no
Islam? no
Catholicism? no
Protestant Christianity? no
Mormonism? no

gurckanity/moral relativism/agnosticism/atheism/hedonism? yes
 

SouthPaW1227

Golden Member
Aug 4, 2004
1,863
0
0
^ You forgot Hedonism as a yes (though whether it's a RELIGION is debateable). Watch "Eyes Wide Shut", if you can make it....
 

kranky

Elite Member
Oct 9, 1999
21,019
156
106
Gave this a lot of thought before replying.

First, I'd completely discount all the responses of "dump her". As an earlier poster mentioned, there sure are a lot of people who can't think about anything beyond weenies and p00n. And that attitude would be the way to a long-lasting relationship? Um, OK. You already mentioned that dumping her is not an option, so good for you. You're right - you'd be a fool to do that.

I don't think there's any reason to believe that her being conflicted about it indicates a thing about your sex life down the road, assuming that the molestation angle can be ruled out. She doesn't really want to have sex now but lacks the self-control to stop. That's not a sign of being wacked. Lots of people struggle with things they know they don't want to do but do anyway. For some it's sex, for others, crack, etc. Geez, what normal person in their 20's would be able to fool around for four hours and NOT want to have sex? Seems perfectly normal to me.

What I would consider an indicator of a problem is if she begs for it then stops you in the middle, or freaks out screaming during the action, or doesn't respond at all. Seems like she has perfectly normal sexual desire and response, it's just that she isn't comfortable about doing it at this point in the relationship.

I would suggest not worrying about therapy for now. As far as you know, when and if you get engaged everything will be fine. So wait until you get engaged, and see where things stand then. If there's a problem, you can deal with it then.

Until then, I think you both ought to discuss how you can eliminate these episodes from your relationship. Is having sex even worth the "recovery period" where she is upset and depressed? If not, how do you continue to have a healthy relationship without going through another episode? That's something only you guys can work out. It's unrealistic to expect two people in love at your age to have the superhuman willpower to stop things before they go too far when you are 90% of the way there. (I'm referring to the jacuzzi suite, champagne, the fooling around, etc.)

I guess what I'm saying is romantic dinner + a few drinks + two people very much in love + hotel suite + lots of fooling around that ends up in having sex != "Oh, I just got carried away -- it just happened!" Very few people could resist at that point!

Don't know what the right solution is for you guys, but you need to agree ahead of time how you are going to avoid these situations, assuming you are willing to respect her wishes to wait until engaged.

I honestly believe she's perfectly normal and things will work out just fine for you both.
 

SandInMyShoes

Senior member
Apr 19, 2002
887
2
81
Something that a lot of ATOT doesn't seem to understand is the fact that a lot of people have a distinction in their mind between postmarital sex and premarital sex. It's also not anyone's place to decide that that distinction is wrong.

To the OP, I applaud your analysis and efforts in this situation... You've recognized that two options are to force yourself to wait, even when she's feeling horny, (which you've attemted, to some degree), or just do it and let her live with the guilt. My advice would be to keep trying with the first option, but that's not really anything new to you. I'm just offering my perspective.

I would only recommend counseling if you in fact determine that she DOESN'T mentally draw a line between premarital sex, and postmarital sex. If she's going to have issues with postmarital sex... Well, do everything you can to work through that issue with her.
 

Gurck

Banned
Mar 16, 2004
12,963
1
0
Originally posted by: Stark
ok, so what religion in the world tells a girl that it's a good idea to get it on before marriage?

Judaism? no
Buddhism? no
Hinduism? no
Islam? no
Catholicism? no
Protestant Christianity? no
Mormonism? no

gurckanity/moral relativism/agnosticism/atheism/hedonism? yes
People interpret religion in their own way, and as societal norms change the interpretations are changing and becoming more varied. A good example of this is the fact that the vast majority of christians and catholics in the US do not wait for marriage to have sex. Most of these people would define morals as a set of values which prevents them from doing things which would adversely affect others; a category sex doesn't fit into.

The main reason sex before marriage was likely frowned upon in the first place was that without sex education and readily available, inexpensive birth control, it could bring a child into an unfavorable situation. Times change though, and this is no longer the case.

Edit: I was unnecessarily rude and apologize.
 

Stark

Diamond Member
Jun 16, 2000
7,735
0
0
a set of values which prevents them from doing things which would adversely affect others; a category sex doesn't fit into.

so having sex before marriage has no possble adverse effects, specifically for a woman in her early 20s?
 

Gurck

Banned
Mar 16, 2004
12,963
1
0
Originally posted by: Stark
a set of values which prevents them from doing things which would adversely affect others; a category sex doesn't fit into.
so having sex before marriage has no possble adverse effects, specifically for a woman in her early 20s?
Adversely affect others.
 

ThePresence

Elite Member
Nov 19, 2001
27,727
16
81
Originally posted by: kranky
Gave this a lot of thought before replying.

First, I'd completely discount all the responses of "dump her". As an earlier poster mentioned, there sure are a lot of people who can't think about anything beyond weenies and p00n. And that attitude would be the way to a long-lasting relationship? Um, OK. You already mentioned that dumping her is not an option, so good for you. You're right - you'd be a fool to do that.

I don't think there's any reason to believe that her being conflicted about it indicates a thing about your sex life down the road, assuming that the molestation angle can be ruled out. She doesn't really want to have sex now but lacks the self-control to stop. That's not a sign of being wacked. Lots of people struggle with things they know they don't want to do but do anyway. For some it's sex, for others, crack, etc. Geez, what normal person in their 20's would be able to fool around for four hours and NOT want to have sex? Seems perfectly normal to me.

What I would consider an indicator of a problem is if she begs for it then stops you in the middle, or freaks out screaming during the action, or doesn't respond at all. Seems like she has perfectly normal sexual desire and response, it's just that she isn't comfortable about doing it at this point in the relationship.

I would suggest not worrying about therapy for now. As far as you know, when and if you get engaged everything will be fine. So wait until you get engaged, and see where things stand then. If there's a problem, you can deal with it then.

Until then, I think you both ought to discuss how you can eliminate these episodes from your relationship. Is having sex even worth the "recovery period" where she is upset and depressed? If not, how do you continue to have a healthy relationship without going through another episode? That's something only you guys can work out. It's unrealistic to expect two people in love at your age to have the superhuman willpower to stop things before they go too far when you are 90% of the way there. (I'm referring to the jacuzzi suite, champagne, the fooling around, etc.)

I guess what I'm saying is romantic dinner + a few drinks + two people very much in love + hotel suite + lots of fooling around that ends up in having sex != "Oh, I just got carried away -- it just happened!" Very few people could resist at that point!

Don't know what the right solution is for you guys, but you need to agree ahead of time how you are going to avoid these situations, assuming you are willing to respect her wishes to wait until engaged.

I honestly believe she's perfectly normal and things will work out just fine for you both.
I completely agree with everything you just said.
She is probably 100% normal. If her reaction is caused by religious feelings, all the therapy in the world will do absolutely nothing but confuse her more. Chances are she doesn't need the therapy.
 

Stark

Diamond Member
Jun 16, 2000
7,735
0
0
Originally posted by: Gurck
Originally posted by: Stark
a set of values which prevents them from doing things which would adversely affect others; a category sex doesn't fit into.
so having sex before marriage has no possble adverse effects, specifically for a woman in her early 20s?
Adversely affect others.

so she should ignore any risks of adverse effects to herself and her future.

since her bf is horny and it doesn't hurt him, she should suck it up and boink his brains out. :roll:

i suppose it is a nice thought...
 

spidey07

No Lifer
Aug 4, 2000
65,469
5
76
wow, the amount of people defending psychotic behavior and dysfunction is pretty astounding.
 

illustri

Golden Member
Mar 14, 2001
1,490
0
0
Originally posted by: Stark
Originally posted by: Gurck
Originally posted by: Stark
a set of values which prevents them from doing things which would adversely affect others; a category sex doesn't fit into.
so having sex before marriage has no possble adverse effects, specifically for a woman in her early 20s?
Adversely affect others.

so she should ignore any risks of adverse effects to herself and her future.

since her bf is horny and it doesn't hurt him, she should suck it up and boink his brains out. :roll:

i suppose it is a nice thought...

hey no ones suggesting she shut up, wince, and take it
some are suggesting that the drama isn't worth maintaining a relationship
 

Stark

Diamond Member
Jun 16, 2000
7,735
0
0
Originally posted by: Gurck
You're misreading me, the difference is that it's her choice to make.

well, since the op doesn't state any reasons for her making the choices she has made (i.e. to not have sex right now), it seems a little presumptuous to assume that someone or something is forcing her to do (or not do) anything.

i've been in a similar situation twice... once the girl had major issues stemming from past mistakes that came back to haunt her, the other time (with another girl) it worked out and i ended up getting the best nookie in my life... on my honeymoon... and on valentines day... and our anniversary... actually she keeps on getting better every year!
 

imported_waldo

Golden Member
Aug 30, 2004
1,076
0
0
Originally posted by: Stark
Originally posted by: Gurck
Originally posted by: Stark
Originally posted by: mehmel
Two Options:
1. Her Daddy (Or Uncle) Touched Her
2. She Cheated on you and feels bad about it (Can't believe no one said this yet)
Taking it to the next level with not fix anything, just make it worse. Good luck my friend.

or

3. she has morals and wants to live by them.

That's pathetic... "what, she won't put out? That must mean she was either molested or cheated on you"

atot logic at its finest.
I wouldn't call that morals. Keep in mind, not everyone's religion stigmatizes sex...

ok, so what religion in the world tells a girl that it's a good idea to get it on before marriage?

Judaism? no
Buddhism? no
Hinduism? no
Islam? no
Catholicism? no
Protestant Christianity? no
Mormonism? no

gurckanity/moral relativism/agnosticism/atheism/hedonism? yes


Mormonism isn't a religion!!
 

Cruez

Member
Dec 7, 2004
155
0
0
Originally posted by: mehmel
Two Options:
1. Her Daddy (Or Uncle) Touched Her
2. She Cheated on you and feels bad about it (Can't believe no one said this yet)
Taking it to the next level with not fix anything, just make it worse. Good luck my friend.


DING DING DING DING....

I've been in that situation before... and the guilt ended up being the bold reason above..
 

mehmel

Junior Member
Nov 1, 2004
18
0
0
Originally posted by: Stark
Originally posted by: mehmel
Two Options:
1. Her Daddy (Or Uncle) Touched Her
2. She Cheated on you and feels bad about it (Can't believe no one said this yet)
Taking it to the next level with not fix anything, just make it worse. Good luck my friend.

or

3. she has morals and wants to live by them.

That's pathetic... "what, she won't put out? That must mean she was either molested or cheated on you"

atot logic at its finest.

Last time I checked, she IS putting out. I know of plenty of girls who are religious, and have succesfully waited till marriage to have sex (Hell, Jessica Simpson did it).
If she has such strong morals, shouldn't she be able to keep them in check, or keep herself out of situations in which she would risk doing something she regrets?
These explanations are completely logical. Please read the posts before you reply to them. Obviously no one knows what the hell is going on with this girl, were all just giving possible explanations.
 

meltdown75

Lifer
Nov 17, 2004
37,548
7
81
Originally posted by: spidey07
wow, the amount of people defending psychotic behavior and dysfunction is pretty astounding.

the amount of people classifying any of the behaviour mentioned in the OP as psychotic or dsyfunctional is much more astounding.
 

Nitemare

Lifer
Feb 8, 2001
35,461
4
81
Shag her rotten, baby....

After she realizes how good it could be, she won't be feeling so guilty afterwards.
 

Gunslinger08

Lifer
Nov 18, 2001
13,234
2
81
I'm in a similar situation.. only not sex. We fool around, and she feels guilty everytime, due to religious beliefs.
Leaves you with 2 options:
1. Keep doing it, and deal with the guilt
2. Don't let her get horny. Don't touch her/talk to her sexually.

I do a combination of both.. I'm only human.
 

DougK62

Diamond Member
Mar 28, 2001
8,035
6
81
If two people don't have similar sex drives it's just NOT going to work.

 

Peetoeng

Golden Member
Dec 21, 2000
1,866
0
0
Originally posted by: DougK62
If two people don't have similar sex drives it's just NOT going to work.

But they are both horn dogs! The problem is her regret afterward.
 

kranky

Elite Member
Oct 9, 1999
21,019
156
106
Originally posted by: meltdown75
Originally posted by: spidey07
wow, the amount of people defending psychotic behavior and dysfunction is pretty astounding.

the amount of people classifying any of the behaviour mentioned in the OP as psychotic or dysfunctional is much more astounding.

Agreed.
 
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